I recently wrote this post, very reluctantly published it - I almost deleted all, but I held my breath published it, and then closed the tab pretending I never did. I can't quite put my finger on why I felt so on edge about hitting that publish button. It was personal, yes, but for somebody who carelessly published a post simply titled 'Sex' a few months back, that clearly is not an issue for me. It was about one specific person, yes, but it wouldn't hurt him, nor would he read it. I didn't want to publish it, because although I was having a bit of an "I need to be treated better by the guys I like" "I deserve all the effort" moment, both of which are true, I was also being, a bit of an asshole.


You can go ahead and read this post, or if it's a little long - I'll summarise, the post was a guy I liked, who was very on and off with me, the post was about how I deserve better, which of course, is true, I deserve the very best - nonetheless, I think there was something quite selfish in my thought process.


I was watching (500) Days of Summer when I had a bit of an epiphany. If you haven't watched that film you need to. To give you an insight into the movie - this is how the narrator opens:


Tom falls for Summer before he even really gets to know her, she tells him from the start she doesn't believe in love and wants casual. He then tries his hardest to get her back when he loses her. Although, technically he never had her. Yes, they dated, yes they had sex, but she was never his girlfriend.

I watched this film and felt like I could really relate to Tom Hansen. I am Tom Hansen. I believe in love, I believe in fate and I thought I'd found it. The other person just didn't agree with me - like Tom and Summer, and then, like a tonne of bricks, it hit me.

Tom Hansen is a dick.

He's selfish. Summer never wanted him. I mean casually yes, but for nothing more, and she did nothing to lead him to believe otherwise. Tom confronts her about the situation, he tells her:

"This is not how you treat your friend! Kissing in the copy room? Holding hands in IKEA? Shower sex? Come on! Friends my balls!"

Previously I would have applauded Tom for this (I reblogged it so many times back in my Tumblr days), however, relationships are not black and white. They should be, but there's not. Especially as a young adult, lines are slightly more blurred. I do believe if someone wants to be with you nothing will stop them. But there are those in-between relationships, where there's no future, but you can't be friends, you're more than that because you're attracted to each other in a romantic/sexual sense. And sometimes, you're not quite ready to cut them out of your life. Casual relationship are pretty common, a lot of people have friends with benefits, or have friends that are slightly more, or that person that with added vodka, you call, and kiss, and decide you'll be together forever and ignore the next morning. It's not as simple as you are single, or you are not.

So Tom is right that is not how you treat your friends, but just because you're not friends, but it does also not mean you're in a relationship when you're the only person who wants that. Sometimes it's difficult to find a label, and I think the main reason a lot of people want the label, is through insecurity of not knowing where they stand, but that being said, if you are with the person who wants to be in a relationship you will very much from the start, know where you stand, there will be no questioning whether or not you are or will ever be together, because you're in a full on relationship.

It sucks to not have the security, but Tom knew the deal from the start. Summer told Tom she wanted casual - he wanted more, and that is not her fault. He's selfish, he thought of what he wanted throughout, never what she wanted. He's kept trying to win her over, which could be romanticised, but at the end of the day, people aren't prizes. You don't get one at the fair when you manage a decent throw.

The more I realised how much I disliked Tom character, the more I couldn't help but compare him to me, my situation. I have always known where I stand with this guy, I simply read into things how I wanted to. He's told me several times he never anything serious. Soberly, he never pretended to like me more than he did, and we all know drunk minds sure as hell do not speak drunk minds (seriously, the person who came up with that saying has issues). He's simply kissed me because we've never been just friends. But we've also never been anything more - so like Tom Hansen, I'd try to get him back, although never had him. He has never belonged to me. It doesn't matter how blue his eyes are, or that my heart melts a little when he  plays guitar, that sigh of relief I feel after seeing him for the first time in a while, or how wonderful his kisses are. All of these things, mean nothing as he doesn't want to be with me. He is not my property because I fancy him.

I think in wanting, I convinced myself to read into things how I wanted, which was wrongly. I  convinced myself he leads me on. He never pretended he wanted me. I just wanted him to.

It's time to stop being Tom Hansen, the world is full of enough selfish people already.

I'm writing the post partly to benefit my readers, and partly to remind myself.

There are certain things I have recently been trying to do every day, in order to become a little more mindful, to keep learning, and feel positive.

So, here are 12 little things I'm trying to incorporate into my everyday routine...

1. A consistent skincare routine - Whether I'm intending to stay in my PJs all day or not, I need to sure my skin is being looked after. 
2. Going outside - Even if only for a second, getting a bit of fresh air makes all the difference.
3. Reading - a book, magazine, blog post or an article, whatever I choose doesn't matter, as long as I'm reading.
4. Having at least an hour with my phone an aeroplane mode - sometimes we just need to step away from technology and stop scrolling.
5. Meditating - It only takes 10 minutes and makes a huge difference.
6. Exercising  - Of some form at least, no matter how big or small, I need to make sure my body is moving
7. Clearing any phone notifications and emails - Looking at my phone is a lot more pleasant without the obnoxious red numbers everywhere
8. Drinking plenty of water - Hydrating is important.
9. Complimenting somebody - It's nice to be nice.
10. Writing in my diary - so I can read and cringe in the years to come.
11. Eating my five a day - I mean, actually, do it. Keep track of the fruit and veg I have and everything.
12. Writing 3 things in my gratitude journal - because it's important to be grateful.

He kissed me, and my gut told me ‘I’m going to regret this tomorrow’ and I urgently pushed that thought to the back of my mind, because I wanted to enjoy my day with him, despite searching for my fate, I still didn't know when we’d get another.


He was a changed man... 



And that is what it took for me to understand, that if it’s fate, there is no need to go back to people. They would want to with you in the first place. They would have you. He would be my boyfriend right now, he would have been my boyfriend for nearly two years by now. 





My mind has been going at its own speed, trying to figure this out, so I wanted to note it down, to make sense of it. And I thought it deserves a place on my blog, just in case it reminded a reader of their self-worth. 

There will come a moment
when waves of me
will come
Crashing into you
And I will abandon you
in the
Storm

as I sit in still
appreciate the calm
and breathe in
your Absence.


~~~


We have to be
either something
or nothing

I may go insane
if we stubbornly remain
barely
in between
clinging onto
something of nothing.


~~~~


That place you held
in my heart
has relocated to the
depth of my chest
And the gasp of each painful breath
Through the darkness of words unsaid
They ache and echo
Desperately
holding onto letting go


~~~~

My heart hurts
because you, don't want it.
You fail to show a single sign of respect for it.
I'm living with constant regret of this
For, I know better.
But when I get an opportunity to
gaze until your encapsulating eyes
Poppet, I smile as I eat up, each and every
lie.

~~~~

Maybe undeserved escape from you
Or the numbing feeling
will stop me feeling
inadequate
You have a habit of, encouraging to me to feel
far from enough
So, here's my tough route
to feel self-love.

Recently, I've been a little quiet in the blog world - why?

I didn't post for a while, I was ~busy~ and then somewhere along the lines, I found myself questioning, who the hell I am.

I felt like I lost myself a bit, I felt obliged to write about lipsticks, but also CBA to write about lipsticks, because that doesn't give me the same relief typing out something far too personal about my non-existent love life, that I'll probably never have the balls to publish and if I do I'll both hope that the boy never reads it, and pray he does, all at the same time. I guess sometimes lipstick feels more important than others. My world doesn't always revolve around lipstick. Sometimes I want to lose reality in focus on material things. Sometimes I couldn't care less about material things and be the more raw version of myself. I couldn't figure out which version of myself felt 'right' to write about - what part of myself did I want to share with the internet?

It became easier to post nothing, because what I felt like writing about I might regreting giving a home on the internet, and beauty simply wasn't quite floating my boat all of the time.

So my space stayed quiet while I considered who I am, who I want to be, and who I admire.

I always wanted to continue blogging, I just wanted to grow with it, and create content which sat right with me. I guess the only way to figure out how to grow was to hit the pause button for a while and reflect.

I've changed and evolved so much over the years I've had my little blog, and I think it's time this acknowledged in my content.  I am also a different person day to day, and that is something I think needs to reflect in writing, and my posts. I am not going to write something which yet right yesterday if it doesn't today.

I also felt lost beyond this. Style-wise, I realised not so sure of myself anymore, and I feel a new haircut coming on, and a couple of expensive shopping trips - maybe it's time I finally get the capsule wardrobe I've been lusting after.

I feel the need for a rebrand, both personally and online here, I'm going to be trying out different things, and looking for a fit. I'm not going to changing up layout or anything, but I am going to take some time to rediscover myself, I may even go wild, and change up my Instagram a little (crazy, I know).

Am I who I want to be? and how do I become that person?

These questions keep swirling around in my head, and they're making me want to push myself more creativity. Step outside some comfort zones.


The spaces we create on the internet, are a little odd. They are a hyperreality, they tell stories, as we want, and we can manipulate them, to reflect us in any light we choose. Of course more than likely, we want to reflect, a true yet polished version of ourselves. But when you're questioning who you are, and the purpose of your creations, it hard to make it any substantial. I feel both very aware and unaware of who I am, I'm unsure how to reflect the version of myself I want to show because she is trapped in my own head and in the admiration of others. We are surrounded by images and they imprint on our thought on ourselves. I feel more comfortable with myself than ever, but how do I show that version of myself. I feel myself on the outside, on the inside and on the internet are all different people.

This post probably didn't make all that much sense, as it is a rambling stream of consciousness.  Yet for the sake of taking time to discover what I want to post,  I'll hold my breath and hit the publish button.


A few days have passed since I furiously sat at my desk and typed out this somewhat vague, confusing stream of consciousness, and with a bit of planning and blog schedule back in place, I am beginning to feel like myself again, I think there may be a bit of trial and error as I figure where I fit in the blogging world, but that's okay.


Dress: H&M (similar linked)
Jacket: Whistles (similar linked)
Shoes: Office (similar linked)
Photography: Madeliine Grace Blogs











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2017 is coming to a close, I cannot get my head around that it's October already, but here it is.
Looking back to the start of the year, I was so excited for all of the things I would achieve during 2017,  and although I have taken steps forwards, I haven't taken nearly as many as I would like. However, there is still a couple of months until the end of the year, and as much as I would like December to hurry up (I mean, hello Christmas), I'm glad to have a bit of time to focus on some goals...  so here they are:


- Get a New Job - I've been wanting to start a new job for the longest time. I've become too comfortable where I work, although it has never been a career plan. I've been there far longer than I expected or wanted. So it's time to start sending out tonnes of CV and applications in hope that I'll find a job which makes me love Mondays (I feel like I may have accidentally stolen the reed.co.uk tagline, oops.)

- Pass my Driving Test - I feel as though I have been learning to drive for the longest time - it's taking far longer than I expected, but I am finally doing it at 25 years old, and before the end of the year I'd really love to pass my driving test, it will be one more thing ticked off of my 'be an adult' to-do list.

- Have More Grit - I am currently reading the book Grit by Angela Duckworth. There are aspects of it I am really enjoying and some of it is some painfully obvious I feel stupid I've not thought of it sooner. Grit is basically working where and whenever with passion until it pays off. I need more grit with this blog, and my youtube channel, fewer evenings with Gilmore girls and lunch breaks with the phone time, I need to put my time and passion back into blogging.

- Post to a Schedule - Similarly, I want to get back into a blogging and youtube schedule. If I have certain days which I post this blog won't get neglected if I get 'busy', I just need to be organised and dedicated. After a bit of planning,  I have decided I will be posting on this blog every Monday, Wednesday and Friday at 6pm, and posting a new video on my Youtube Channel every Sunday at 6pm, so keep you're eye peeled.

- Keep a Gratitude Journal - I love the idea of having a gratitude journal, so I'm going to start one up. Every night I'm going to write three things I'm grateful for, which I hope will bring more joy into my life.

- Go to Life Drawing Classes - One of the goals I've set myself at the start of the year which I haven't got around to achieving yet is going to life drawing classes, I need to hurry up and just do it.

- Be more Health Conscious - You know, drink more water, figure out what exercise I actually enjoy, eat more veg, eat less chocolate.

- Build Relationships with Brands - I, once again am trying to take the blogging thing more seriously, so  I really would love to start working with some brands. If you know of any who you think will interest me, who work with small (but bloody great) bloggers, please let me know!

- Read More - I neglected reading again for a while, and my to-read list is forever growing, it's time to get some books out!

- Have a Good Time, Stay Positive -  I tend to feel quite positive towards the end of the year anyway, as there is the build-up of Halloween, birthday, Christmas and New Years excitement. This year I've also got a little trip planned and it's my brothers 30th birthday too. But it's no secret we all have down days, and I've been through periods of time where my mental health hasn't been in the greatest state. I just want to make sure I'm making sure I focus on the good rather than the bad, stay positive and make the most out of everything.


Have you set yourself any goals for the remainder of 2017?
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It seems everyone is jumping on the Podcast creator bandwagon recently, and I, for one, am not complaining - there's a podcast for every mood. You cannot have too much of a good thing I like to
believe.

Today I wanted to update my podcast love list as there are a lot I have been enjoying recently, and my last podcast based post was back last June (here), so it's probably about time.

Get it off your Breast with Emma Gannon and Lliana Bird - This is one I've only recently begun listening to and fell in love with straight away. Being a big fan of Emma's CTRL ALT DELETE, I knew it was going to be another great podcast - Emma is a natural when it comes to podcasting and I love that she has a co-host on this podcast.

Get it off your breast is simply woman discussing anything they want to get off their chest. They have a different guest each week so you hear the thoughts of many women and it's just one big very open honest discussion.


The Heart of it by Estée Lalonde - When Estée originally said she wanted to do a podcast, I was excited, and after much anticipation, when I finally heard the pilot of The Heart of It (which was on protests) I've got to be honest, this was not what I expected. I expect something a lot more lighthearted - this, however, became the podcast I didn't know I needed.

In The Heart of It, Estée discusses matters which are important to her, and she brings in her own experience, alongside interviewing somebody who she thinks is valuable to the subject. This is a lot more serious than I expect, and also, unexpectedly, that's what I like about it.

This podcast is also formatted unlike any I've listened to, Estee switches between the interview to bringing in her own thoughts and experiences on the subject outside of the interview setting.



The Debrief with Tessa Coates and Stevie Martin (now Nobody Panic)  - I keep going on about The Debrief Podcast,  so I'll keep this short and sweet because it's probably getting boring and repetitive, this podcast on adulting is just hilarious, helpful and relatable.



Crash on my Couch by Will Darbyshire and Arden Rose - In this Podcast Will and Arden basically, discuss funny articles. There are different segments throughout the podcast which I love, it breaks the podcast up, and one episode can talk about conspiracy theories, cute animals, answer readers questions, Japanese culture and more. Until I listened to this podcast, I did not realise how much I needed to listen to an in-depth conversation about a treasure hunt but trust me, it's gold.

It's just a fun podcast. I also love hearing Will and Arden interact with each other, as unlike the podcast with two hosts that I've mentioned, they're in a relationship and (weirdly) I like hearing how couples interact, it makes it more enduring.



At Home With... by Lily Pebbles and Anna Newton - Season 1 of this podcast has recently ended, but if you haven't listened already, there an entire season you can catch up on. In this podcast, Lily Pebbles and Anna Newton (two of my internet favourites) go to the homes businesswomen they admire and interview them. I find this podcast very inspiring and personal to each guest. It feels like you really get to know the guest as Lily and Anna visit their homes - I'd recommend listening on the A Cast app because they usually include pictures too!



Dear Sugars by Cheryl Strayed and Steve Almond - This podcast was born from an advice column and you can tell, Cheryl and Steve both very honestly answer personal letters from listeners, and share their own experiences.

They are both very wise, honest and thoughtful. They cover a range of subjects from relationship-based problems to career struggles. You can tell Steve and Cheryl both speak genuinely from experience and are still willing to hear different opinions.


Have you heard any of these? I'd love to hear what you think! Also if you if have anymore recommendations, my ears are always open!

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Alongside the pink cord jacket, I've opted for your standard black pair of jeans, and a plain black tee, with these adorable blush suede mules (which get 10 points for comfiness) and the smallest yet cutest bag from Whistles.

My Ace and Tate specs (which, yes are prescription), Olivia Burton watch, and pink lipstick (MACs Pink Nouveau) add the finishing touches.







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