Somewhere along the lines, I found myself choosing to give more, in order to feel like the most authentic version of myself. 

I hate small talk, I'd rather tell you my deepest darkest secret than, discuss the recent snowfall. Why? Because although there's nothing to lose from silence filling weather chat and updates which neither party has no interest in, there's really nothing to gain either. It feels pointless and forced. I find the silences which others find uncomfortable much more inviting than a conversation I'm not invested in. 

I'm all or nothing.

When I invest in someone I fully invest. I want to tell them my 2am thoughts and sit in their silence drinking in their mannerisms.  I want to tell them every detail of my existence and the weight of each emotion I feel.

I share the intricate details because it's real and anything less than real who be a mediocre version of me.

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But I do want to talk about how temporary everything feels.

Accepting that they are temporary, is what will make them bareable.

He will leave, but the world will not end. Isn't something small, and part-time better than nothing at all?

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Something's clicked for me, since I've realised that temporary, is not that bad, it's freeing to embrace a forever changing world.

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The majority of my life I have been single. With just one serious relationship under my belt, which edged on just under three years of my existence.

I've spent a lot more time out of a relationship than in one, and it seems I've been through every possible phase of being single. I've felt unlovable and inadequate, left out and sick of third wheeling. I have been in unrequited love. I've found myself fancying every almost every new person which caught my eye, and I've tried to force chemistry when I was uninterest. I have desired something casual and prayed to the gods of fate that I'd fall in love at first sight. And then there's where I am at today, which feels like something more alien than all of the hurt and desperation. I am content with my independence.

I used to think, having a relationship would complete me. I felt envious of friends who had boyfriends to go home to, and a sharp ping of loneliness offered a regular reminder, I was 'unloved'.

To fall madly in love, get married and have a family was always something I thought was supposed to happen, it was predetermined. By the 26  I expected to be further ahead with this great plan, but more than that, assumed that would be a priority of mine. It is not, it almost feels irrelevant.

If I fall into a deep love which is return, that would be wonderful, yet if I don't my life will still be wonderful just in a different way. Not falling in love, or having a relationship won't take away from the person I am, and the things I will do.

I got asked on a date recently, by somebody I like, but it wasn't until I typed out my reply, I realised, I really am not looking for anything serious right now. For once in my life, I am finding living as I am, more important than searching for love.

There's this idea, that when we get to a certain age, around the ages I am at now, it's the time to settle down with a partner. If we're not in that place we are often painted in the light of sadness and considered lacking. We desperately swipe until our finger can manage no more because heck time is running out, right? But if I am happy now as things are, why do I need to add a relationship to the mix? Love is wonderful but chasing the idea of it, isn't so much. There also something completely freeing about not having to spend time mindless scrolling passed singles on tinder and endure the cringe-worthy messages.

There's something freeing in thinking, right now, I'm my only priority. I like that I only have to really worry about myself. My problems and my joys are mine alone. I am at a point in my life, where my main concern is my career or lack of. I've got a life to build, and I'd quite like to know I did it by myself.

It's nice to be selfish. I would like children one day (whole other topic that), and with that in mind, this is the only time I have to be selfish. I like that if I decide to move cities, I haven't got a whole other life to consider, and I can read before bed until whatever time I please (let's be honest, it will be no later than 10pm but it's nice to have options). I like the space my thoughts have, and I actually enjoy spending time by myself.  All of my stuff is my stuff, I don't have to make room for anyone else, or share the moisturiser I splashed out on.

When I was in a relationship, I got too comfortable leaning on somebody else. It's good to just stand up myself. It's good to feel worthy as an individual, and not to be thought of as one of two. Half the package.

Of course, I get lonely, everybody does. Sometimes, I think it would be nice to have someone, but that's a wave which leaves as quick as it arrives. I've been close to people in search of a cure for loneliness before, and that is not a tone I want to set for my relationship with anyone, including myself. I'd rather ride the waves of lonely if that means a few tears and self-doubt than have someone replaceable to fill a hole.

Now, I know some relationships are wonderful, but for me, right now, there's joy in concentrating on me, and me alone.

I like that I'm the most important person in my life right now.
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I gave my mind the freedom to wander, and it led the way to a place of self-appreciation.  Absentmindedly I found myself thinking that I am, in fact, pretty great. It hit me that I really love myself. For a split-second, I felt paralysed with joy, and then almost immediately I scolded myself for this movement in my mind. I let it spiral into a stream of negativity. I couldn't help but think, when did I become so big headed, so self-obsessed?


Ironically. I continued to dislike myself, for liking myself. I was punishing myself, for carelessly feeling appreciative of me, when I realised I'd entered a gloomy paradox, a world of self-loathing because I felt ashamed to admit that actually, I'm alright.

Something I've been trying to remember is:

What others think of me, is none of my business. 

And although sometimes I feel like doing the ugliest crying when a boy doesn't fancy me back,  and there is an everlasting potent fear at the back of my mind that I am the friend who nobody really likes. These are things which still existed within my realm of self-love, they are things which I had found reached a point of acceptance with.

The only reason my self-love caused self-loathing, is the paranoia in my mind that echoed the mocking faceless voices of others chanting 'Chloe loves herself" 'Get over yourself".  Narcissistic, I know.

Does it really matter what the people which my mind has materialised think of me, even if there is an overlap between them and the ones who make footprints in my world beyond my head? What others think of me, is none of my business, after all.


I am not saying I am perfect, I am not saying I haven't made mistakes. But I like who I am. I am not defined by my mistakes, yet they have helped shape the woman I've become.

Every moment of my life, I spend with myself, I have to endure every thought that crosses my mind, and live with the consequences of my every action, with that in mind, I'd rather not add to the stress of ~living~ by deciding  I'm not good enough.

What defines not good enough?
I get to decide, and I'd say, I am more than enough.

I should not feel guilty for the ping of joy I feel when a thought crosses my mind that I know is mine alone, and I love that I can look in the mirror and not be filled with disgust or disregard for the person I am growing into. I feel a sense of pride in the body I walk in and the values I hold.

My happiness should not be tarnished because society offers out reminders, that perfect does not exist, although some do a great job of mirroring it what it seems like across Instagram feeds. We live beyond the squares of Instagram, and you can decide beyond the curation of perfect images is a joyful place to be.

It's freeing to wake up in the morning and to be happy with you.