I am going to attempt to type out some thoughts which I can't make the head of tail of - so if this post makes no sense to you, you are not the only one. And if it does, I'm impressed, and hope I manage to make sense of these thoughts too.

I often get branded the crazy girl. I guess I get lost in my own head a lot, and I'm not going to lie - sometimes maybe I come across crazy. Maybe I get drunk (not in an alcoholic drinking myself on the street corner way, in vodka shots on a night out with friends kind of way) and text a little too much, or I'm too open about my feelings too early on - and that's what makes someone crazy, right?

Obsession.

But we obsess over lots of things, let's be honest. I obsess over anything from Harry Styles to Harry Potter. But nobody is ever like fuck that girl is crazy, she really likes Harry Styles - they might politely disagree and say his hair is stupid (which it's not, by the way), but that disagreement usually comes as an insult to what I'm obsessing over, rather than my obsession. There are many things I obsess over - but they don't make me crazy, they make me human. Everyone has their things.

However, when we seem to really like a person, the person in question often thinks we're crazy for liking them. Which, personally I think is utterly bizarre. It may be a little irritating when somebody wants to speak to you - but take the compliment, baby.


But I'm not crazy for reading Harry Potter over and over again, I am however bloody bonkers for texting a boy that I fancy too much. I just don't understand this notion.

When we are attracted to a person, we do obsess over them, it weird, I agree, but humans are weird, and it's human nature to think a little too fondly of somebody who you really wanna kiss. It's normal to see them in a somewhat unnatural light because your idea of them is tainted by your attraction toward them.

What I wonder, is why does that make me less attractive? Why does somebody like me less because they're aware I like them? I'm sure to an extent, this is human nature too, but I just think it's a little fucked up. I don't want feeling curiosity about someone to leave me counting kissing on a text, or feeling like I should hold back. I've always felt curiosity is something I should follow - but what about when I'm curious about another person? Because it is socially unacceptable to try too hard. And, yes, I think it's always crystal clear when someone doesn't feel the same and it's time to put down the phone. However, different people bring different things to your life. So, sometimes, you might just be about figuring out where to place a person and your emotions towards them. That initial confusion, of course, leads us to curiosity.

I feel as though I am not the only one to look through my drunken night out text from the night before and really cringe, usually about how forward I've been. I probably then feel anxious about seeing that person until the next time I do see them because I'm aware, there is a likelihood they think I'm crazy, and there is also a chance if, they are a really rubbish person, they've laughed about what I've said with their friends, and I am so aware that is not the person I want in my life. Yet it's always a worry because you never know with that situation before it's too late, and of course, if somebody wants to portray you as crazy, no matter who you are, it's not that difficult to do.

 But seriously, if someone drunkenly texts you, just clear the air the next day, because if you did just think, fuck they had too much to drink last night, oh well as they just wanted to chat or whatever - which I have always thought when I've received a drunken message, the text sender is probably feeling very anxious about how poorly you must think of them, for simply not holding back when they wanted to talk to you. And then, text sender is in a lose-lose situation, because you're always concerned they think you're crazy, and you're so anxious about it, it's playing on your mind so much that you're thinking fuck maybe I'm crazy, and you're too concerned with being 'crazy' to clear the air yourself - but as I said there is nothing crazy about being attracted to a person.


I think I misconception behind drunken messages is in the weight behind them. Just to confirm, no my drunk texts, do not mean I spend my evenings making a scrapbook of our future wedding or choosing names for our children - it simply means, in that vodka fueled moment, I would quite like attention, and preferably yours. It does not mean I have a shrine of you in my bedroom, or I've begun telling people you're my boyfriends, it just that maybe, I fancied a drunk snog, or possibly I feel like chatting shit to you whilst eating some cheesy chips. Also, that who drunken mind, sober heart saying, is indeed bullshit.

Another thing, which I think may factor into the crazy vibe, is funnily enough - that I'm female. Yes, that. I have received a drunken text from guys, and the next just have been like don't worry about it - however, I might drunken text someone, who has previously done this to me and have woken up with a fuck I'm crazy paranoia, which to confirm - I'm not. Why do I feel assured they're not crazy, but question myself? I've never got the impression that the men who have drunkenly text me have felt ashamed or embarrassed about their behaviour - yet, I show the same behaviour and it feels completely unacceptable the next morning. And it's a bloody two-way street when they've done it to me, yet I am red with embarrassment thinking about it and I'm the only one who is.

And now let's get to self-respect and desperation. I am going to keep this points short because although I want to touch on this, it is not something I feel a strong desire to shove down your throats. Just because someone may perceive me as crazy, that does not mean I am desperate or lack self-respect. What somebody else thinks of me, is a reflection on them, not of me. I do fully believe if someone doesn't make an effort to you, you sure as hell stop using your energy on them, because you should get out what you put in. However, in the early days of meeting someone, when you are just placing what you want from them, the lines are a little more blurred. Those lines also can blur more as you decide what you want from them, as a 25-year-old woman, I don't want a relationship with everyone one I fancy - however I think that's easily forgotten.  And again, when alcohol involved lines blur even more, and you don't text because you lack self-respect - you text because you wanna say something, and honesty is something I neither perceive as desperate or disrespectful of yourself.


 On a side note - I'm not sure the poem in the image completely relates, but I liked it nonetheless, it's from Milk and Honey by Rupi Kaur.

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After have to squeeze all my new books on top of the rest, because I am a slight book hoarder, I decided it was probably the time to rearrange my bookshelf, and clear a bit of space so everything could fit nicely - so I cleared a shelf, rather than having 2 shelves for books, I now have three. I spent a bit of time putting them in colour order, because uh, it looks great.

Today, I thought it would be nice to share a makeup look I've been enjoying recently, as it's been a while since I've posted beauty, and I've definitely been enjoying my reflection in the mirror when I've to finish carefully smearing it across my face.

This is a pretty classic look with an orange-red lip and winged liner. It is also very simple and doesn't use too many products.


Products used (all of which are linked!):
IT Cosmetics Your Skin but Better CC Cream in Light
Bourjois Healthy Mix Concealer in Light
Hourglass Ambient Light Powder in Luminous Light
Tanya Burr Beautifully Defined Palette Champagne Shimmer Highlight and Caramel Kiss Bronzer (now discontinued, sorry!)
Maybelline Master Brow Pro Palette in Soft Brown
Marc Jacobs Brow Tamer
Nars Smudge Proof Eyeshadow Primer
Becca Champagne Pop as eyeshadow
Tom Ford Eye Defining Pen
Maybelline Lash Sensational Mascara
Kiko Lavishly Intense Lip Pencil in 03 (no longer available, sorry!)
Mac Lady Danger
What do you think?

I thought I'd throw a little positivity into the blogosphere today, and share some of my favourite people of the internet with you. This is going to be the first part in a little series, beginning with my favourite blogs. I've got to be honest I struggled to narrow it down, but these are the ones I've found myself reading most recently.

Wish Wish Wish -The Photography on Carrie's blog is stunning, she has got her style down. Carrie travels plenty,  so you're sure to feel that wanderlust when scrolling. Not only is the photography flawless, but her writing is relatable. I recently read this post on Instagram and loved every single thing she said.

Grace Francesca - I think Grace is one of the most real, honest people I have come across in the blogosphere, she such a  girl boss. I love everything about her blog, the raw honesty and relatability. She is just very inspiring. Her recent post,  'Why I Started Blogging' was such a positive reflection on the world of blogging, and I found it really interesting to hear why somebody so successful started out!

Jaynie Shannon x - Jaynie is my BFF IRL, and she also has a great blog. If you're into reading beauty, it's the place to go. Her pictures a crisp and her she writes the best beauty pieces. Her writing also really just sounds like her, reading Jaynie's blog, I feel like I am just having a chat with her.

Madeliine Grace Blogs - Madi is someone else I know IRL. I love reading her blog, her style of writing just sits well with me, it's easy and interesting to read. Her blog has a diary feel to it, which I love.

The Cornish Life - I don't live in Cornwall, but this blog has given me some serious envy of those who do. Just looking at Anna's blog brings a calmness over me, the photography is full of beautiful blue landscapes. Anna is so relatable and in general a really nice girl. The Cornish Life is a great lifestyle blog where you can read everything from places to visit in Cornwall to leading an eco-friendly life. I loved her recent post 'Summer. This is it', it was such a great reminder to not let time slip away.

Wonderful--you - I love Megs writing for wonderful you, there is a true honesty to it, which makes it so relatable, and all of Megs writing is very heartfelt. Meg works with her friend Alexandra to get the most amazing, editorial style photography for the blog. Along with the sleek layout, this gives it a real profession magazine feel.

What are your favourite blogs?

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It is the start of July, so we are officially over halfway through the year. I'm sure, like me, you're all freaking out about where 2017 is going.

I decided to refresh my brain and look at my New Years Goals which I set for myself at the start of the year, to see if any of them are actually happening and which ones have gone out of the window completely. Hopefully, this will give me some focus for the remainder of the year.

1) Be Better at Replying to Text and Emails - this has definitely gone out of the window, I'm still completely rubbish at it

2) No more social breadcrumbing - I do think I've improved slightly on this one, I'm getting better at not saying 'let's go for coffee' in passing, although I definitely do it sometimes.

3) Be more proud of my blog and youtube - This one is actually happening. I've got some pride in the things I create now. I've even made a Facebook page for my blog (here), so the people I know IRL can see the stuff which I was once embarrassed to talk about too!

4) Take better care of my belongings - I feel like I'm improving on this one. I'm definitely a lot tidier which tends to come hand in hand with looking after things.

5) Save some money - uhh about that...

6) Go to life drawing classes - I've not done this, but there is still time.

7) Post spoken word on my youtube - I technically did this, and then took it down. It is something I intend to do again, just when I'm feeling a little happier poetry.

8) Meet more like-minded people, make friends - I am getting better at this one. I've definitely met more like-minded people this year, but there is still room for improvement.

9) Pass my driving test - I'm still having lessons, but I can't see any reason I wouldn't pass by the end of the year.

10) Go to acting lessons - This is something I recently began doing.

11) Look after myself more - In some ways, I do this, in some ways I don't.

12) Keep doing me - I'm 100% feeling more comfortable with who I am at the moment.



I'm pleasantly surprised looking back over those, although I definitely haven't stuck to some of them, some of my goals for the year I've been putting into action! Did you have any goals for 2017?

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Sex. Am I really typing out some thoughts on sex to post online? Yes, I am. I tend to talk feel the urge to write about whatever is on my mind - and today, sex is. Not, in I am really horny and would quite like sex right now way. more like, I'm trying to work out how being single, and sex play into each other.

If you are a family member of mine, this is definitely time for you to close the tab and do something else. If you are not, grab a cuppa because I feel like this may be a long post.

If you read my post on dating, you will see I mentioned there I'm not having any sex. A little TMI, but there you have it, it has been while, to say the least.

I feel as though I go through phases with sex, and at the moment, I've pretty much taken my virginity back steered clear of any penis. That's not because I don't want sex because let's face it, everyone wants sex, everyone enjoys sex, as a society we're pretty damn obsessed with it. And it's also not as though I don't have the opportunity, a couple of swipes on Tinder and I could get lucky.
And even if I didn't want to sleep with someone from Tinder, there have been opportunities, because like I said, everyone wants sex. And there have been times I've wanted to. But I've felt the need to stop myself.

Why?
Goddamnit Chloe.

I am slut shaming myself? Will I feel like a slut if I have sex with someone I want to have sex with?Even if I were a slut, what is the issue with that? It's my body to do what I want with.

I would never judge another person depending on their sexual experiences, so why do I place such judgment on myself?

You don't have sex and you're frigid, you do and you're a slut, you come pretty close to it, but stop through fear of being called a slut, and congratulations, you're now a tease.

But does it matter which of these things you are? As long as sex is consensual on both parts, it's all good right?

And then they are feeling. I'm sure many girls have thought, if I charm him with my vagina, he might catch the feelings, and he doesn't then you feel used and stupid. Sex won't make someone fall in love with you, contrary to what the rom coms tell you.

But what if I don't want them to fall in love with me?
Why do we attach so many emotions to sex? Even if I don't want them to fall in love with me, I need to think about this, a lot.

I completely believe sex can just be sex, it came to mean nothing. If you're in the right frame of mind, doing it with the right person and know exactly where you stand. But maybe no if it becomes a regular thing, or you feel the desire to text every day for updates on their life the week after.

And then there are fuckboys. I've got to be honest, I can't help at least you know where you stand with a fuckboy, there is no confusion, you know what it is. So why not fuck the fuckboy. It's just sex after all - but then there is a worry, of that post-sex hangover, where you feel pretty crappy about yourself. Also, fucking a fucking boy is kind of shooting yourself in the foot. You're setting yourself up for disappointment.

And then there is love, is love a requirement for sex? Well, no it's not - but give it a bit of love, and then maybe I won't feel so cheap in the morning. Having said that, we've got desires, so why shouldn't we enjoy ourselves if we're not in love. I mean, we're not having those loved up butterflies, so we may as well deserve an orgasm once in a while.

We are at our most vulnerable when we have sex. Sex in an intimate thing. Which I guess in my eyes means the thought of it is a little intimidating - when it gets to actually doing it, it's fine, but the thought can make me nervous, and I don't know if that's normal.

I don't want to be a slut, I also don't know if I want a relationship, and just because I'm out of a relationship why does that restrict my rights to have sex? And why do I put so much weight in the word slut?

At the end of the day, sex is just sex, and it means different things to different people, which I guess makes it confusing and encouraged this stream of thoughts. I think everyone is completely entitled to have a little or a much or no consensual sex with whoever they wish, but my own personal preference I'm unsure of.

I'd love to hear your thoughts!
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