sex
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He kissed me, and my gut told me ‘I’m going to regret this tomorrow’ and I urgently pushed that thought to the back of my mind, because I wanted to enjoy my day with him, despite searching for my fate, I still didn't know when we’d get another.
He was a changed man...
Thoughts on Fate.
Today, I want to discuss fate, self-worth and second chances, as they are all things which have been playing on my mind, and to me, seem quite entangled in one another, when it comes to romantic relationships. Being a sucker for a rom-com, it’s no surprise, that despite how incredibly single I am, romance, is something which I often think about.
I am a big believer in fate, and soul mates, I think that when you see two people together, and the fit is right, the world feels different around them, they move differently and in a way that the world follows their pace. I think you can feel it in the air when you’re around two soulmates, and similarly, if you’re a couple who don’t belong together, you feel that too - which is why sometimes, you have a bad feeling about a friends new boyfriend, even if on paper, he’s great. They just don’t always fit right.
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| (not my picture, found on Atticus Poetry Instagram, I just love the image) |
Something that plays into believing in fate, is unintentionally searching for fate. Convincing yourself that coincidence is fate, although we all know there is no romance behind drunkenly kissing a ‘lad’ in a club.
And then there is this myth. ‘I always go back to him, so it must be fate’. For a long time, I believed this, there are two guys in particular, who never liked me enough to actually be with me. But if they called, I would answer. I would go running to them, time and time again, and I always thought, fate keeps bringing us together when realistically it was drunken texts, loneliness and not a lot else.
And then there are the opinions of friends, which sometimes, not always, will unintentionally, kind-heartedly back up the bullshit, and make you think that being dropped, and long as you’re picked back up is okay. It's not that they think that is okay, it's simply they are seeing what you see and looking on the bright side, maybe they don't necessarily want to be the bearer of somebody else off-handed rejection.
One of the two guys I mentioned previously, managed to, without trying, convince, myself and my friend, that I would end up with him. Why? Because he kept showing back up, on nights out. We’d talk on and off, for two years. Even his friend said to me “You’ve been talking for two years, you’re obviously going to end up together”… He’d been stringing me along for two years. Rejecting me, time and time again, and then kissing me while intoxicated, and telling me he wants to be with me. Did I mention in these two years, he did not once spend time with me soberly?
Eventually, he did. Recently actually. I drunkenly text him, because I felt completely gutted that my friend was meeting up with his friend on a night out, I was jealous, and haven't spoken to him in months, I felt they had stolen our fate.
The next day he asked to see me. Sober. He was a changed man, and that fate, we’d all been talking about was taking shape.
He played the guitar, and I thought, I could fall madly in love with this boy. He promised to see me again soon and explained that is also rubbish at texting.
He was a changed man...
And, he has either evaporated or lied to me.
My friend told me what she believed, "you’ll hear from him, you two always go back to each other"
And that is what it took for me to understand, that if it’s fate, there is no need to go back to people. They would want to with you in the first place. They would have you. He would be my boyfriend right now, he would have been my boyfriend for nearly two years by now.
If you have read “Bloom” by Estée Lalonde, you might be familiar with Estée’s and Aslans, love story. To shorten it, they met in an online chat room. He lived in the UK, she lived in Canada. He sent her postcards every day. Their first date was a road trip around America, she then moved halfway across to the world, to a country she’d never visited, to be with him.
If she can get a postcard each day, from a guy who lives in another country, I should be able to get so much from somebody in my own city, if it’s fate. However, I can’t even get a text back.
So, it’s time to remember, what fate really entails, if somebody won’t move across the earth for me, they are not my soulmate, they are just another person, and one who doesn' want me. If it takes two and a half years for someone to see me soberly, it will take longer than my lifetime, for them to want me to be their girlfriend. There is nothing romantic in that.
Someone wanting to see you without having 5 double vodka lemonades beforehand should never feel groundbreaking.
Someone wanting to see you without having 5 double vodka lemonades beforehand should never feel groundbreaking.
Sorry if this were too personal.
My mind has been going at its own speed, trying to figure this out, so I wanted to note it down, to make sense of it. And I thought it deserves a place on my blog, just in case it reminded a reader of their self-worth.
personal
sex
thoughts
Sex. Am I really typing out some thoughts on sex to post online? Yes, I am. I tend to talk feel the urge to write about whatever is on my mind - and today, sex is. Not, in I am really horny and would quite like sex right now way. more like, I'm trying to work out how being single, and sex play into each other.
If you are a family member of mine, this is definitely time for you to close the tab and do something else. If you are not, grab a cuppa because I feel like this may be a long post.
If you read my post on dating, you will see I mentioned there I'm not having any sex. A little TMI, but there you have it, it has been while, to say the least.
I feel as though I go through phases with sex, and at the moment, I've pretty much taken my virginity back steered clear of any penis. That's not because I don't want sex because let's face it, everyone wants sex, everyone enjoys sex, as a society we're pretty damn obsessed with it. And it's also not as though I don't have the opportunity, a couple of swipes on Tinder and I could get lucky.
And even if I didn't want to sleep with someone from Tinder, there have been opportunities, because like I said, everyone wants sex. And there have been times I've wanted to. But I've felt the need to stop myself.
Why?
Goddamnit Chloe.
I am slut shaming myself? Will I feel like a slut if I have sex with someone I want to have sex with?Even if I were a slut, what is the issue with that? It's my body to do what I want with.
I would never judge another person depending on their sexual experiences, so why do I place such judgment on myself?
You don't have sex and you're frigid, you do and you're a slut, you come pretty close to it, but stop through fear of being called a slut, and congratulations, you're now a tease.
But does it matter which of these things you are? As long as sex is consensual on both parts, it's all good right?
And then they are feeling. I'm sure many girls have thought, if I charm him with my vagina, he might catch the feelings, and he doesn't then you feel used and stupid. Sex won't make someone fall in love with you, contrary to what the rom coms tell you.
But what if I don't want them to fall in love with me?
Why do we attach so many emotions to sex? Even if I don't want them to fall in love with me, I need to think about this, a lot.
I completely believe sex can just be sex, it came to mean nothing. If you're in the right frame of mind, doing it with the right person and know exactly where you stand. But maybe no if it becomes a regular thing, or you feel the desire to text every day for updates on their life the week after.
And then there are fuckboys. I've got to be honest, I can't help at least you know where you stand with a fuckboy, there is no confusion, you know what it is. So why not fuck the fuckboy. It's just sex after all - but then there is a worry, of that post-sex hangover, where you feel pretty crappy about yourself. Also, fucking a fucking boy is kind of shooting yourself in the foot. You're setting yourself up for disappointment.
And then there is love, is love a requirement for sex? Well, no it's not - but give it a bit of love, and then maybe I won't feel so cheap in the morning. Having said that, we've got desires, so why shouldn't we enjoy ourselves if we're not in love. I mean, we're not having those loved up butterflies, so we may as well deserve an orgasm once in a while.
We are at our most vulnerable when we have sex. Sex in an intimate thing. Which I guess in my eyes means the thought of it is a little intimidating - when it gets to actually doing it, it's fine, but the thought can make me nervous, and I don't know if that's normal.
I don't want to be a slut, I also don't know if I want a relationship, and just because I'm out of a relationship why does that restrict my rights to have sex? And why do I put so much weight in the word slut?
At the end of the day, sex is just sex, and it means different things to different people, which I guess makes it confusing and encouraged this stream of thoughts. I think everyone is completely entitled to have a little or a much or no consensual sex with whoever they wish, but my own personal preference I'm unsure of.
I'd love to hear your thoughts!
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Sex.
If you are a family member of mine, this is definitely time for you to close the tab and do something else. If you are not, grab a cuppa because I feel like this may be a long post.
If you read my post on dating, you will see I mentioned there I'm not having any sex. A little TMI, but there you have it, it has been while, to say the least.
I feel as though I go through phases with sex, and at the moment, I've pretty much taken my virginity back steered clear of any penis. That's not because I don't want sex because let's face it, everyone wants sex, everyone enjoys sex, as a society we're pretty damn obsessed with it. And it's also not as though I don't have the opportunity, a couple of swipes on Tinder and I could get lucky.
And even if I didn't want to sleep with someone from Tinder, there have been opportunities, because like I said, everyone wants sex. And there have been times I've wanted to. But I've felt the need to stop myself.
Why?
Goddamnit Chloe.
I am slut shaming myself? Will I feel like a slut if I have sex with someone I want to have sex with?Even if I were a slut, what is the issue with that? It's my body to do what I want with.
I would never judge another person depending on their sexual experiences, so why do I place such judgment on myself?
You don't have sex and you're frigid, you do and you're a slut, you come pretty close to it, but stop through fear of being called a slut, and congratulations, you're now a tease.
But does it matter which of these things you are? As long as sex is consensual on both parts, it's all good right?
And then they are feeling. I'm sure many girls have thought, if I charm him with my vagina, he might catch the feelings, and he doesn't then you feel used and stupid. Sex won't make someone fall in love with you, contrary to what the rom coms tell you.
But what if I don't want them to fall in love with me?
Why do we attach so many emotions to sex? Even if I don't want them to fall in love with me, I need to think about this, a lot.
I completely believe sex can just be sex, it came to mean nothing. If you're in the right frame of mind, doing it with the right person and know exactly where you stand. But maybe no if it becomes a regular thing, or you feel the desire to text every day for updates on their life the week after.
And then there are fuckboys. I've got to be honest, I can't help at least you know where you stand with a fuckboy, there is no confusion, you know what it is. So why not fuck the fuckboy. It's just sex after all - but then there is a worry, of that post-sex hangover, where you feel pretty crappy about yourself. Also, fucking a fucking boy is kind of shooting yourself in the foot. You're setting yourself up for disappointment.
And then there is love, is love a requirement for sex? Well, no it's not - but give it a bit of love, and then maybe I won't feel so cheap in the morning. Having said that, we've got desires, so why shouldn't we enjoy ourselves if we're not in love. I mean, we're not having those loved up butterflies, so we may as well deserve an orgasm once in a while.
We are at our most vulnerable when we have sex. Sex in an intimate thing. Which I guess in my eyes means the thought of it is a little intimidating - when it gets to actually doing it, it's fine, but the thought can make me nervous, and I don't know if that's normal.
I don't want to be a slut, I also don't know if I want a relationship, and just because I'm out of a relationship why does that restrict my rights to have sex? And why do I put so much weight in the word slut?
At the end of the day, sex is just sex, and it means different things to different people, which I guess makes it confusing and encouraged this stream of thoughts. I think everyone is completely entitled to have a little or a much or no consensual sex with whoever they wish, but my own personal preference I'm unsure of.
I'd love to hear your thoughts!
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