I found this piece hidden amongst the draft which never got published, and thought I'd share it two years later with fresh eyes. Here are some thoughts I had on loneliness in 2016:

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I have been considering writing this for a while now, however as it's something I've felt quite vulnerable discussing on the internet. For a few weeks now this has haunted the pages of my diary - however, I've decided to be brave and share online as I'm realising I find something quite comforting in giving people the option to read my thoughts, they don't feel so locked away then and neither do I.

I feel a cloud of embarrassment and shame as I admit this, but I feel quite lonely. I know this is an ordinary human emotion so it is not something I should feel so ashamed to state, which is partly why I want to write this blog post.

I am 24 for, and I am very single (I promise not to drone on about wanting a boyfriend throughout this blog post), when I say very single - I mean more single than I have ever been in my teen through to my adult life. I have had one serious relationship whilst I was a student which lasted just shy of three years, and although I that as real as my love life has ever got, I always had romantic interests, and guys I've been talking to and thinking about. But right now... I can honestly say there is no one at all I am romantically interested.

Now I know what you're thinking, loads of people are single, get over it Chloe, there is no need to be so desperate. However, as contradicting as this may sound, I am then happy being single - everything I have said so far is based on fact rather than emotion.

Of course, there is a but, otherwise, why would I be banging on about this. But... pretty much everyone I spend a reasonable amount of time with is in a relationship - which means a lot of third-wheeling, but why stop at third-wheeling, oh no, I've been out as a 7th wheel recently. To put it simply, it's just uncomfortable. Sometimes I feel as though I'm out with my friends on a double date, but I've forgotten to bring my date. I know, it's not my friend's fault and I am happy they're all happy and loved up, but it's hard to feel as though I belong amongst all of the couples.

Sometimes we'll have a girl night, and of course, boy chat comes up, as it always does... but where do I fit in this conversation, I am happy to listen to what my friends have to say because I understand the importance of listening, but what can I contribute, really?

Being very introvert maybe I've bought on this feeling of loneliness myself, as I have found rather than feeling awkward surrounded entirely by a couple I've been staying home instead, which obviously does not help the situation, and I'm narrowing down any chance of meeting new people and spending time with others. However when I do see my friends, even if partners aren't invited, all I find myself getting asked is if I've met anyone or if I'm interested in anyone. Although how's your work, have you written anything interest on you blog recently slips in, it doesn't always feel like that part of the conversation that valued - I guess we all love romance and gossip.

Of course, I know that's far from the truth and I will do bigger and better things than date someone cool.

When I had a boyfriend l though it was a very happy relationship throughout, still I lost a part of who I am and I feel like I've just begun to know myself and that's not something I want to lose again. I like being independent. Yet I don't like feeling alone.

I find myself feeling alone beyond romance, I have distanced from some friendships and I am unsure of how to get them back. I'm at an age now where I realise friendship ultimately changes, develop and disappear and life goes on, however, I feel like one of my closest friends has literally disintegrated in front of my eyes, and the other person either isn't aware of isn't bothered.

Either way. I have a few very close important friends at the moment, and that is it. I know that is more than some people. But I still feel sadness each night when I get home from work and sit in my own silence. I turn my phone on aeroplane mode for at least an hour every night, and when I switch it back on, I hardly have a single message.

I can hear your thoughts, mainly because I'm kicking myself thinking the same thing, why don't you make more effort with people? why don't you text people first? I do, with my few close friends, but anyone that not so close, not so much, simply because it's scary. And no, I'm not exactly been looking to find a partner. I don't want to meet someone knowing I found them out of loniless and not neccassiraly for all of the right reasons. I guess I'm leaving that up to fate. Just sometimes the silence is a little too loud in my head, and I feel like the support system is low.  There's no one I can tell everything too, someone to listen to and I miss that.

...

Although some aspects from the post still ring true today, some, not so much. I may post an update thoughts on loniliness post, to see how things have changed. 


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If you want to see the ins and outs of both my 2017 and 2018 bullet journals, I've made a full video about them which you can watch below (or on my youtube channel)

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As promised, here are my favourite books which I got lost in, in 2017.

Nina is Not Ok by Shappi Korsandi - Nina is Not Ok is one of the most intense YA fiction novels I ever have read. Nina has a drinking problem at just 17/18 and as the story unravels you see Nina deal with this, and how her relationships with her friends and sex change throughout.

Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert - Big Magic is a book about living a creative life. It gives you tips on how to embrace your creativity and talks about what creativity is. and how leading a creative life change your life.  I wrote a post about it here.

You are a Badass by Jen Sincero - This self-help style book covers everything, from taking a leap of faith to follow your dreams, the law of attraction and, to how to manage money. Honesty, after I read it I felt like the biggest badass in the best way. The writer's tone in this book is very relatable, she's very inspiring in what feels like an accidental way.

Becoming by Laura Jane Williams - This memoir begins after when Laura split with her long-term boyfriend who she ultimately thoughts she was going to marry. She finds herself feeling lost and sleeping around. Having emotionless sex, feeling powerful because she can 'have sex like a man', she travels and then vows to stay celibate for a year while she finds herself. This book is so well written.

The Secret by Rhonda Byrne - The Secret is a book on the Law of attraction. Although I take what it says with a pinch of salt, I do believe in the law of attraction, the idea that like attracts like and the universe gives back to you what you give to it. The Secret explains how the law of attraction works and gives examples throughout. Reading this put me into a very positive mindset, and I found myself wanting to test the law of attraction.

A Quiet Kind of Thunder by Sara Barnard - This young adult fiction is about a girl called Steffi who is mute due to severe anxiety She meets Rhys who is deaf and they bond as they both speak British sign language. This is just a really lovely story about how they fall in love when both dealing with their own issues. I wrote a full review of it here.

Ice Cream for Breakfast by Laura Jane Williams - Yes another one by Laura Jane Williams. When Laura published her first book, her dreams had come true and as a result of this, she became depressed, anxious and suffered from major burn out. So, to take a break from writing she found herself nannying. This memoir is about the things you can learn from children. I found myself taking a lot away from this book, it's full of wisdom.

Almost Adult by Arden Rose - Almost adulting is Arden guide to being in your early 20s when you're not really an adult but definitely not a child. That confusing in-between stage where I seem to live. It's so relatable and Arden's voice really shines through. I wrote a full review of it here.

I did a full video talking through all of my favourites if fancy watching me natter on about these books, here it is:

 Have you read any of these? Did you love them as much as me?
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As I typed this out, I can't be sure if anyone will read it, or if I empty fragments of the unfiltered brain into nothingness, however, I feel this post is kind of important. For me, it's life-changing. Despite how painfully obvious it is in hindsight - it's taken me 26 years to figure it out. I was searching in the corners of darkness, ignoring what sat flashing directly in my eye line.

- Clear the Air - there's nothing worse than having unwanted, unnecessary drama keeping your mind busy. Just clear the air with people. If you're unsure of where you stand, just ask, if you owe someone an apology, say sorry, if you holding a grudge, ask if that's serving you a purpose - if it does not drop it.

- Clear Out, Tidy Up - Having less stuff you don't want, makes life nicer. Knowing where all you're belonging are and banishing the 'I can't find this stress' is also pretty life-changing.

- Remember is okay to ditch the to-do list - the likelihood is that when you die, you'll still have a to-do list (morbid, yes, but true) so expecting the list to end when you don't put a stop to it. Don't feel guilty if you ditch the to-do list - the majority of things on it probably really aren't worth the stress they're causing.

- Don't go to the thing you don't want to go to - 'Thank you for the invite, but I think I'll give it a miss" is a sentence you need to learn. There is nothing worse than feeling stressed because you're rushing around to be at a time to a thing, which you don't to want to go to and spending money you don't want to spend. Just say no if it's not for you.

- Recognise how people make you feel, adjust the amount you let them into your life depending on this - Don't hang out with someone that makes you feel sad if you don't have to - that's a lonely party no one wants to be invited to.

- Get comfortable with what you like - When I finally started admitting I like poetry I began to feel happier. Have hobbies based on what you like, and remember it's okay to talk about things, even if other people don't necessarily love them like you do.

- Remember what other people think of you is none of your business - It's a freeing thing to know you can't control what others think of you and it doesn't matter.

- Unfollow people who make you feel bad about yourself - Seriously, no matter how pretty someone insta feed is if you fill up with bitter jealousy when browsing their beautiful bikini pictures for their 10th holiday this year, just unfollow. If someone ghosted you and you feel crap about it, unfollow them. When you unfollow them, they disappear, and so do those negative emotions.

With Christmas just gone, I've found myself enjoy some bits and bobs, with nowhere to talk about them as the December Faves got bumped to make room for the 2017 Beauty Favourites. Every time I use these products I kinda wanna shout about how much I love them, so here is me, shouting (typing) about some (unintentional) pink/red/black things which I think are ~the bomb~.
As you can see I finally got around to trying some Glossier (thank you Mum), the brand so rightly lives up to the hype, and I've thrown in some fashion/life things because I think they're great also...
(Wow, long intro considering I could have just written 'I like these things')

Glossier The Cherry Balm Dot Com - I've recently toned it down a little with the lipstick, and this has been the perfect replacement. The cherry coloured tint to your lips, while it keeps them feeling moisturised, yet not slippy or super shiny.

Glossier Super Bounce Serum - This has made such a difference to my skin in a short amount of time. It just looks plumper and healthier. It just gives your skin that extra something you didn't know it was lacking.

Glossier Cloud Paint - a little goes a long way with this, it only takes the tiniest amount to add a natural flush to your cheeks. I have the shade dusk which is, funnily enough, a dusky pink with an orange tone to it. I'm dying to give the others a try and would be interested in experimenting with mixing the colours a little. I love the formula, and using a cream blush, for a change, is great, unlike my other blushers, it does not look at all powdery (obviously, it's cream)

#GirlBoss by Sophia Amoruso - There has been a lot of talk in the blogosphere about this book, so I finally gave in and bought myself a copy. I'm going to write an in-depth post on this soon so I won't bang on about it too much in this one. I really like the tone of the writer in this, it's very relatable, it makes your dreams seem doable (which they are) and there are some useful life tips mixed in amongst my autobiographical feel to the words.

Zara Bag (similar linked) - I have fallen deeply in love with the bag from Zara. The small burgundy has filled a gap in my wardrobe. There is a removable strap if you want to wear it crossbody, or a handle for if you just fancy carrying it/hooking it on your arm. The structured boxy shape makes it look a lot of pricey than it was, it was a bargain and a half. It fit in all you need, honestly, it may look small, but looks I can be deceiving. I managed to take all of the essentials and sneak in a decent number of jelly shots into a club on NYE. I just feel great when I wear this bag, it looks great, makes enough of a statement (without being too loud) and does its job.

Next Jumper (similar linked) - This jumper is so damn cosy, the quality is great, and it's so soft. It's not too long, it's not too cropped, it sits just where I like it. I am crazy about the bright red shade, and it has pompoms knitted into the fabric which adds an extra bit of texture (and a sort of festive vibe, which I'm ignoring, as it's now January).

ASOS Beanie (similar linked) - You might have guessed by now, but I like the colour pink. So when my sister got me this pink beanie for Christmas I was pretty pleased. I love the double fur pompom, I've been after one with two fluffy pompoms for a while now. I like the knit, and I like the colour. I just think it's nice tbh.
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Bullet Journal - New Year, New Bullet Journal. I've made things a lot simpler with my BJ (~don't pretend you didn't giggle~) I am really enjoying it again and feeling pretty damn organised (video coming soon). Even if you're not into the Bullet Journal concept, I'd get it for the dotted paper, it's life-changing.

Muji 0.38 Pen - It's probably a little sad to put a pen in with my favourites, but sometimes you just gotta. I'm sure all you stationery lovers will understand where I am coming from. It writes nicely, the nib is super fine, and although it's inky, it does not smudge, which being a left-handed super smudger makes that the best pen quality ever.


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- I read 19 books

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But the world remains, pretty close to how I left it at 11.59 on December 31st, 2016.

2016 was going to be the year I got a new job, a career.
Made something of my tiny space on the interest.
The year I got a car and finally passed my driving test.
Moved out of my mum's house, and waved goodbye to my single bed.

I am still not earning my blog
and I'm yet to reach 100 subscribers on my Youtube channel.

I'm sat on my single bed. I am yet to take my driving test, and I have not changed jobs.
It wasn't the year I intended it to be, but the world has not stopped spinning.



2017 didn't turn out to be my year, I guess every year can't be the one to change the world. It was still full of laughter, friends and memories. Although I'm yet to get the whole adulting thing down. I had a good time between in unachievements, and felt joyful in the midst of disappointment.

So rather than feel sad about the year it wasn't,  I'd celebrate those memories I made which bring a smile to my face.


Drumroll pleaseee...
Here are some of the of my favourite memories from 2017:


Playing Jenga at the Pub with Jaynie and Gina...

It sounds so simple, yes, but it was so filled with joy. I had the funniest afternoon with my friends Jaynie and Georgina playing Jenga at the pub. Of course, I am terrible at Jenga and lost every time, but it was so much fun. We all got fully into it, I found a competitive streak I never knew I had, partly because everyone stared when the Jenga fell. Sometimes the small things are the nicest.






Walks with Hannah and Hannah

 Something I have fully embraced this year is going for walks. Whilst I never quite understood the fascination when I was younger, as a 26-year-old woman, I find myself feeling pretty content whilst wandering through nature chatting away with friends. It has become quite a regular thing to taking a walk with my friends Hannah and Hannah, and although I still haven't quite got the dress code right, I have been thoroughly enjoying exploring with my friends.


The Bloggers Market

 Early on in the year, I took myself to London to go to the Bloggers Markets and catch up with one of my uni friends. I wrote a full post on it here, so I won't ramble on too much. But I very much loved doing something I little different, catching up with an old friend, and of course, it was lovely to meet Liv in person after years of major blog stalking.

New Day Blogger Lunch 

Again, I wrote a full post on this which you can read here, so I won't to on about it too long. In April I headed over to Cornwall to visit my friend Stacie and get involved with a blogger event with New Day Knitwear. Whilst it was one of the first time I felt valid as a blogger, I was also reminded of the calm crochet brings me, I got to meet some other bloggers and it was so so lovely to see my friend Stacie.


Charly Cox Poetry Night

 I am the biggest fan of poetry, and Charly Cox is one of my favourite modern-day poets. So, when she put on a poetry night to raise money of MQ Mental health, I booked tickets to London. It was the perfect excuse to spend the day with my Mum and then as she abandoned me for the poetry part, I had to push outside my comfort zone and go in alone. I met some really lovely people and Charly did a wonderful job. There's a full post here, and a vlog from the day here.




Wild Place

Myself and my friend Matt spontaniously went to Wild Place for the day. It was so much fun exploring, seeing and learning about all the animals. I learnt a lot about how they are working to save animals from extinction, so it's definitely somewhere I'd like to visit more. There is a photo filled post on it here , and a vlog here.



Turning 26

My 26th Birthday was one of my best birthdays yet. I spent time with family, and friends, at great food and got thoroughly spoilt. You can read more about it here, or watch some of the highlights here.



Vienna

Myself and my friend Matt spent a weekend exploring Vienna. It's safe to say I fell in love with the city. It was a jam packed weekend where I saw so much more than I expected. We did loads in the short time we were there. I was surprised by how truly beautiful Vienna is, and I am very happy to have visited.  There's a full, lengthy blogpost on it here, and a vlog here




Ginger Bread Decorating

I had some pre christmas celebrations with a couple of friends, which included pulling crackers, exchanging gifts, eating yummy food and decorated ginger bread men. It was lovely.
Winter Wonderland and Christmas:

Of course these make the cut, but as my post on them went to so recently I'll let you pop over there (link here) to see pictures and read more about the festive time.


Looking back has made me realised, although I've not achieved all I hoped, 2017 has been pretty wonderful.

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Jumper: Next (similar linked)

As tradition on chloeharriets.com - here are my goals for 2018. Let's hope work to make them happen.

1) Write the book - I have an abandoned first draft of the first chapter of a novel on my laptop, during 2018 I'm going to dedicate time to finish writing my first book. 2018 will be the year I stop talking about writing and actually writing.

2) Save and make more money than last year - Money is often a taboo subject, however, I don't believe anything negative comes from making money, in fact, everyone wants to do it. Money gives you the freedom and there is nothing wrong with wanting to earn it. During 2018 I'd like to make more money, if I can pull my career in the direction I'd like it to go, then this is very possible. I'd also like to save more money. You never know when you might need it for a rainy day.

3) Be the planner, organise things - I'm not a planner. I'd say 90% of the time I have plans with friends, is because somebody else has picked up the phone and made the arrangement. It's not intentional, I think because I enjoy spending time at home and by myself, I forget how much I also enjoy doing things and seeing friends. I'll be the first to admit it makes me kind of a rubbish friend. I will be putting a lot more effort into organising things to do with friends and family in 2018.

4) Take better care of my body - Whether than means moisturising my beyond my face regularly, exercising more often or saying no to that last drink, or eating too many biscuits. I want to stop abusing my body and taking it for granted. I want to look after myself. Eat well, exercises,  paint my nails, maybe even shave my legs. If I took better care of myself, I'd like to think my world would improve and I'd feel like a new person, so let see.

5)  Visit more places - I'm not a big traveller, and although I'd don't plan on seeing the entire world in 2018 I'd like to see more of it. Whether that means weekends away in the UK or spending a week exploring a country I've never visited - I'd like to spend more time outside of Bristol, there's a lot to see out there after all.

6) Take steps toward buying a house - I'm 26 so having space beyond my single bedroom in my Mum house would be incredible. I love the idea of being able to play with interiors and really make things my own. During 2018 I want to have at least taken some steps towards getting my own place. From saving money to meeting with mortgage advisors, it would be great to end the year knowing that owning a home in is the near future.

7) Gain some direction and success in my career - Since having left Uni, I have been at a complete loss careerwise. I've known the kind of things I want to do, but haven't got a job in the right area and I haven't made money from the things I'd like to one day call my career. 2018 will be the year I gain a little direction. Get a new job in an area which will benefit me. Work with brands on the blog. Continue working with New Day Knitwear because that makes me feel good. Put 100% into the work that I do, and make sure the work that I do gives me purpose. By the end of the year, it would be amazing to have the start of a career which will make me proud.

8) Take YouTube more seriously - Promote my channel (you can subscribe here), stop feeling embarrassed by it. Work to build an audience. Keep up a regular schedule. Play with my creativity and explore new ideas. Do Vlogmas in some form (yes that's right. Vlogmas will be happening.)

9) Don't accept less than wonderful - Stop letting people treat me like crap because I fancy the pants off them, or because I just want them to like me. Be friends with lovely people. Call people out when they put me down. Stop trying to impress everyone. Don't do tear-inducing jobs for minimum wage. Know my worth. Mediocre won't do. I want a wonderful life.


Please let me know some of your New Years goals in the comments! I'm obsessed with New Years, and it would be great to hear what you'd like from 2018.

Let's make 2018 lovely!
Happy New Year, it's going to be a good one.

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