In my 27 years, I've been in one long term romantic relationship. Aside from those 2 and a half years, I've taken on the role of the single friend amongst the couples. I'm the one who likes to shout that she doesn't need a man. For someone with an obsession with love, I've been pretty cynical about it, with my feet firmly planted in the ground of I'm not going to be sad about being single, and I'd rather be alone than with somebody because I'm lonely. In other words, my attitude completely took dating off the cards. I didn't want to be somebody who relied on a relationship for happiness. I guess I didn't feel that spending the majority of my life single was evidence enough to prove I'm not reliant on relationship hopping. The thought of romance left a bitter taste in my mouth, and for someone who reads a lot of romance novels, and watches endless romcoms, I wouldn't allow for my own love stories.

I'd written a narrative for myself which ultimately left me alone because I somehow got the impression there's was a weakness in wanting to spend your life with another person. And this rule I made up, applied to nobody other than myself. I didn't think badly of friends in relationships, although occasionally I might feel a little jealous pop-up. I didn't judge people based on their partner and they didn't lose their personality or become half of a person when they were coupled up.


Something has switched in my mind recently; I realised the way I've been looking at love is ensuring I'm alone through fear. A fear that dating will impact who I am, that I'll become weakened if I'm open to feeling.

It's time I go back, erase some of what I decided, and brave being open to romance. Nobody actually wants to go to bed alone, and people seem to glow when they fall in love. I miss the childlike butterflies of first kisses and the possibilities of where another person can take you.

When two people are in love, they don't take from each other, they compliment each other, enhance their lives.

I might not find the love of my life anytime soon, but I think it's time I drew in my claws and realised there's no weakness in wanting more, in wanting somebody. And if it all goes to shit, maybe I'll end up with some funny date anecdotes along the way.

I don't think lesser of people who are in love. Relationships are hard, it takes growth, self-awareness and compromise to keep them afloat. Those are qualities to be admired rather than afraid of.





I read this poem, and I haven't stopped wondering what it must feel like, to know, to have that security, that the one person you want to see, no matter what, who will be there when you get home.

I guess I wouldn't say no to that.

I'm learning that craving intimacy doesn't make me weak. It makes me human.


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I recently wrote this post, very reluctantly published it - I almost deleted all, but I held my breath published it, and then closed the tab pretending I never did. I can't quite put my finger on why I felt so on edge about hitting that publish button. It was personal, yes, but for somebody who carelessly published a post simply titled 'Sex' a few months back, that clearly is not an issue for me. It was about one specific person, yes, but it wouldn't hurt him, nor would he read it. I didn't want to publish it, because although I was having a bit of an "I need to be treated better by the guys I like" "I deserve all the effort" moment, both of which are true, I was also being, a bit of an asshole.


You can go ahead and read this post, or if it's a little long - I'll summarise, the post was a guy I liked, who was very on and off with me, the post was about how I deserve better, which of course, is true, I deserve the very best - nonetheless, I think there was something quite selfish in my thought process.


I was watching (500) Days of Summer when I had a bit of an epiphany. If you haven't watched that film you need to. To give you an insight into the movie - this is how the narrator opens:


Tom falls for Summer before he even really gets to know her, she tells him from the start she doesn't believe in love and wants casual. He then tries his hardest to get her back when he loses her. Although, technically he never had her. Yes, they dated, yes they had sex, but she was never his girlfriend.

I watched this film and felt like I could really relate to Tom Hansen. I am Tom Hansen. I believe in love, I believe in fate and I thought I'd found it. The other person just didn't agree with me - like Tom and Summer, and then, like a tonne of bricks, it hit me.

Tom Hansen is a dick.

He's selfish. Summer never wanted him. I mean casually yes, but for nothing more, and she did nothing to lead him to believe otherwise. Tom confronts her about the situation, he tells her:

"This is not how you treat your friend! Kissing in the copy room? Holding hands in IKEA? Shower sex? Come on! Friends my balls!"

Previously I would have applauded Tom for this (I reblogged it so many times back in my Tumblr days), however, relationships are not black and white. They should be, but there's not. Especially as a young adult, lines are slightly more blurred. I do believe if someone wants to be with you nothing will stop them. But there are those in-between relationships, where there's no future, but you can't be friends, you're more than that because you're attracted to each other in a romantic/sexual sense. And sometimes, you're not quite ready to cut them out of your life. Casual relationship are pretty common, a lot of people have friends with benefits, or have friends that are slightly more, or that person that with added vodka, you call, and kiss, and decide you'll be together forever and ignore the next morning. It's not as simple as you are single, or you are not.

So Tom is right that is not how you treat your friends, but just because you're not friends, but it does also not mean you're in a relationship when you're the only person who wants that. Sometimes it's difficult to find a label, and I think the main reason a lot of people want the label, is through insecurity of not knowing where they stand, but that being said, if you are with the person who wants to be in a relationship you will very much from the start, know where you stand, there will be no questioning whether or not you are or will ever be together, because you're in a full on relationship.

It sucks to not have the security, but Tom knew the deal from the start. Summer told Tom she wanted casual - he wanted more, and that is not her fault. He's selfish, he thought of what he wanted throughout, never what she wanted. He's kept trying to win her over, which could be romanticised, but at the end of the day, people aren't prizes. You don't get one at the fair when you manage a decent throw.

The more I realised how much I disliked Tom character, the more I couldn't help but compare him to me, my situation. I have always known where I stand with this guy, I simply read into things how I wanted to. He's told me several times he never anything serious. Soberly, he never pretended to like me more than he did, and we all know drunk minds sure as hell do not speak drunk minds (seriously, the person who came up with that saying has issues). He's simply kissed me because we've never been just friends. But we've also never been anything more - so like Tom Hansen, I'd try to get him back, although never had him. He has never belonged to me. It doesn't matter how blue his eyes are, or that my heart melts a little when he  plays guitar, that sigh of relief I feel after seeing him for the first time in a while, or how wonderful his kisses are. All of these things, mean nothing as he doesn't want to be with me. He is not my property because I fancy him.

I think in wanting, I convinced myself to read into things how I wanted, which was wrongly. I  convinced myself he leads me on. He never pretended he wanted me. I just wanted him to.

It's time to stop being Tom Hansen, the world is full of enough selfish people already.

He kissed me, and my gut told me ‘I’m going to regret this tomorrow’ and I urgently pushed that thought to the back of my mind, because I wanted to enjoy my day with him, despite searching for my fate, I still didn't know when we’d get another.


He was a changed man... 



And that is what it took for me to understand, that if it’s fate, there is no need to go back to people. They would want to with you in the first place. They would have you. He would be my boyfriend right now, he would have been my boyfriend for nearly two years by now. 





My mind has been going at its own speed, trying to figure this out, so I wanted to note it down, to make sense of it. And I thought it deserves a place on my blog, just in case it reminded a reader of their self-worth. 

This is a bit of a strange one to write, as it's somewhat personal, however as I was about to get out my notebook to jot down these thoughts, as even if it weren't on my blog I would record what's running through my mind at the moment anyway as that's how I tend to deal with my emotions, by writing about them - however I realised somebody might be able to relate, so I decided it was worth a blog post.

So I am 24 and I have been single for quite a while now, which isn't really something which bothers me, I like to be independent and to spend my time concentrating on myself - some may say I'm selfish (but at least I can admit it, eh?)

However, this hasn't always been the case. When I was growing up I was quite needy. I almost constantly found myself having crushes, and fancying people. I'm not going to lie, I used to get a bit obsessive about them and convince myself I was in love (I'm surely not the only one who's done that?) - Clearly, none of these crushes worked out as at the time I would have endlessly imagined.

I always thought having a crush is something I would grow out of as I grew up. I guess I also assumed I'd be in a stable long term relationship as I entered adult life (Have to admit I still find myself laughing a bit each time I refer to myself as an adult!) - so by now I would have thought crushes would be a thing of distant history, yet I did also think I'd be engaged living in the house I bought with my handsome financé  discussing the perfect time to start trying for our first born (there are also a lot of cats, dogs and a large garden in the image), so you might just say I am naive, and grew up to be somewhat romantic - however I do like to think that's changed. I currently think being alone has been really healthy for me, and my self-awareness and independence have grown in a way they wouldn't if I were reliant on a partner.

Yet, still, I find myself now with a bit of a reoccurring crush. I feel stupid to even admit it. It's not something I've really discussed with my friends, however, I'm sure a few of them would be able to guess who it on without even thinking twice.

Dealing with romantic feelings towards another is a lot harder as an adult because you're much more self-aware, and relationships are a lot more real than they were when you were 15. That means disappointment strikes a lot harder when the person you're crushing on isn't feeling the same, or they're in a place where nothing can come of it. And then also there is the big question of what do I want from this?

As I said this is a reoccurring crush, I have definitely felt for this person before, and I think he may have felt for me before, yet still I have been let down before, but all for reasoning I understand. The person has always been very upfront with me, and I have always respected him, but that still does not cancel out that harsh disappointment I have felt (more than once) when in this situation previously.

It's a bit of a strange one because it's something I feel like I know very well, and hardly at all, which is pretty ridiculous, I know. However I've not exactly hung out with this person this much, yet I feel somewhat of a connection with him, and things feel unfinished which is why I think I keep finding myself in the same spot of feeling for him.

But what do you do about your crush at 24 years old? It still consumes your mind as much as your 14-year-old crushes do, yet you have more understanding of the little importance of a crush (most of the people I've felt for before now, never cross my mind anymore). I'm pretty sure I will never be in a relationship with this person (although at one point, not long after meeting him, I was convinced the opposite), so what to do? What can I do? I can only to some extent control my emotions, and to some extent, it is nice to have a crush - for a minute or so, then it sucks.

It's very frustrating wanting to constantly speak to someone, who may not want to speak back, and knowing where you stand, but still wanting to ask, just in case.

I'm setting myself up for the disappointment of something I'm not sure that I want.

What do you do when you find yourself having a crush? I almost forgot how consuming they are!
I know in the scheme of things, it really doesn't matter who I'm fancying right now, but still, it's playing on my mind.

Sorry, this post is a bit all over the place, it was just some thoughts I needed to get off my mind.

Am I the only adult with a crush?