Because we all know I love a cliché, I decided New Years would be a perfect time to relaunch my blog. I love New Years, to me, a brand new year brings hope and excitement. I've always been obsessed with this idea, I previously rattled on about it in this post (woah, this is an old one, don't judge) and this post. Sure, I get that more often New Year resolutions are probably forgotten by the time February rolls around, and often some of mine don't get achieved (still so far off those 1000 youtube subscribers I was aiming for last year, but it's always better to try). Plus. I'm all for any excuse to celebrate, reflect and hopefully better myself. But more of New Year's goals in Monday's post (9.30am,  be there or be square)

Towards the second half of 2019, something felt a bit stale with my blog, I had a few blogging breaks to try to spark inspiration, but they didn't really achieve much other than a lack of content. That's when I decided I wanted to change things up. Make this platform a place which leaves me, and others feeling inspired. I no longer want to feel invisible on the internet, I want to make myself seen. With all of this in mind, I decided to freshen things up. Get a new logo (it's coming, I promise), work on SEO so my blog actually gets seen, and make this space into what I want it to be, rather than what it has been for the past five years. I'm sure some bits will stay the same because not everything about my corner of the internet completely sucks, but mainly I want to make things better. I want 2020 to be the year I find my place in the blogging world, create content which resonates with the readers. I want this to be the year I see the numbers improve, and the year I begin to actually finally think of myself as a serious blogger, you know, one who works with brands and is proud of their content.

Chloeharriets.com should be somewhere which brings people joy, helps or excites them in some way. Somewhere with articles which will make you forget your worries, with tips on how to make the good better, and images which inspire, and words which motivate.

Maybe the content might not change too much, because as ever I'll be posting the things I love, but my attitude feels different.

chloeharriets 2.0 (possibly 3.0 by now) is going to be something special, and I'm so excited about it.

You'll be able to catch my posts at 9.30 on a Monday morning, and 6pm on Thursday. I will also be posting a new youtube video every Sunday, and sporadically (because I'm not superwomen) you can receive my newsletter in your inbox by signing up here.

For a while, I've claimed to be in search of peace and purpose, the new start on my little website feels like a piece of that purpose. I hope you'll join me while I continue the search.

I am so excited for the journey.

2020, let's do this.

All of my love,
C x

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What I've Been Up To:

Vision boarding: At the beginning of the month, I spent a bit of time vision boarding, being creative, and getting some clarity on what I want from the year.

Doing a Jigsaw Puzzle: A Christmas tradition in my house which I truly love is doing a jigsaw puzzle, so when in mid-January, my mum came home with a puzzle she'd be gifted, I couldn't help but 'waste' a couple of days completing a puzzle, pretending it was the festive period all over again.

Shooting with Madi: A day with Madi, taking photos and having a catch-up. It was great, as ever.

A Morning in Clevedon with Mum: I and Mum spent a morning wandering around the little one-off shops in Clevedon, strolling alone the Peer and having lunch in the cutest little cafe.

A Day Trip to Lacock: There's a full blog post on this one coming soon, so I'll keep this short. I and some friends explored Lacock, have a pub lunch and a muddy walk.

Bullet Journalling: The start of this year has really got me into bullet journalling again, as it's the perfect time to get organised. I've written a full blog post on it here.

The Anna Edit's Book Event: I wrote a bit about this in this Instagram caption so I'll keep it short. I went to Anna's An Edit Life book tour in Bristol.  There was a Q&A part, where Anna answered questions, which was both insightful and funny. I met many lovely girls, including Anna herself. I left the event feeling really inspired.

Reading:

Books:

The Rule Do Not Apply by Ariel Levy - I wrote a  bit about this in this Instagram caption so I won't talk too much about it here. I really enjoyed this memoir, I thought the writing was stunning and it felt very true to life.


Little Fires Everywhere by Celeste Ng: It took me a while to get into this, but as soon as I did, I was hooked. This book revolved around two families but contains lots of different stories which are all entangled. It's clever and the characters have so much dimension to them which makes them feel very real. I would really recommend this.

Articles:

What is Love by Natasha in Red magazine
Losing and Finding in Love by Gabrielle Minkey in Red magazine

Blogs:

Wonderful You - Why I Live Alone
Madeleiine Grace: Things I Learned From A Decade in Retails
The Little Plum: Little Love Rituals
Poppy Deyes: How To Avoid Feeling Overwhelmed

Watching:

Gilmore Girls: Still, I'm making my way through Gilmore Girls, I've just reached season 7 so I'm nearing the end.

Riverdale: I think probably one of the only people who is enjoying this season of Riverdale more than the others. I know, it's a bit more 'out there', but I'm finding it so more interesting than I did, back when Cheryl seemed to have a weird crush on her twin brother.

Listening:

Gilmore Guys: I am well and truly deep in my Gilmore obsession, listening to the Gilmore Guys podcast as I watch the show. It's hilarious and interesting.



I hope you have a great January!
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Some things it seems are written in the stars. Luke and Lorelai, that J.K Rowling had a dream which led her to write Harry Potter, the perfect job you accidentally stumbled across, going for coffee which turns into falling in love with the barista and facing the world with your best friend by your side.

There are those friendships which you never question. When you meet someone, and you know they are going to impact your life. There is no doubt in the back of your mind that you'll be a bridesmaid at her wedding, and the whacky 'auntie' to her children. You don't doubt that you'll still be laughing together as you grow old. You feel more complete when you hang out, no secrets are off-limits and the totally platonic relationship becomes the total centre of your universe.

What happens when these forever friendships, really aren't that? Although it seemed untouchable, it shattered. It makes no difference, how well you got along with her mum or how at home you felt in her house when you are no longer invited.

There is no guarantee friendships are forever. Sometimes we outgrow friends, they outgrow us and we don't realise we've grown apart until it's too late. And sometimes reality, hurt and miscommunications can bring that friendship to a crashing, unrepairable halt. With that. the one aspect of your future you thought could rely on, is no longer there.

Friendships end for different reasons. I've spent my nights awake trying to dish out the blame. I have lost some friends through faults of my own, and some I've passed the blame onto others. Reading Dolly Alderton's Memoir, Everything I Know About Love, I found myself underlining the words her therapist told her "'Unless someone dies,' she told me one Friday, 'if something bad happens in a relationship, you have played a part in it.'" That has become something which I've thought about again and again in relation to my two forever friendship which didn't turn out to be that. I played a part in their ending. Maybe one more so that the other - but the details don't matter. I played a part. As did they. And all that has happened, and didn't happen, is as it is.

I've felt guilt-ridden about friendships ending, I've felt hurt and in a place of disbelief. I've been in denial, I replayed memories over and over and sent endless texts which were left unanswered.

When we grieve the death of a family member, the world tiptoes around us, giving us the room to feel that pain. When a long term romantic relationship draws to a close, others shower us with sympathy and expect us to spend a few weeks crying in bed. They allow for our sadness. But when a friendship is over, it's almost completely ignored. It feels childish to talk about that suffering as if reminds everyone a little too much of primary school, playground arguments.

Yet, the loss of anyone in your life who was once important, matters. It has an impact. One of the hardest things I've gone through as an adult is accepting that a friendship is over. There's nothing more isolating than having the one person you told everything to, gone. I don't fall out with my friends often. I'm an adult after all, and I'd like to think a fairly drama-free one. The majority of my friendships I've had for over 10 years. So saying what seems to a premature goodbye to that is not something I'm used to, and there are so many memories made, that it's impossible not to dwell on them.

What happens when those forever friendships don't last?
Both everything, and nothing.
My entire world has both changed and stayed exactly the same.

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I'm a creature of habit, I'm rewatching Gilmore Girls for (I think) the 4th time, and find it so much more enjoyable now I pretty much know all of Lorelai's bits word by word. I like my routine, I find comfort in the predictable. Last-minute plans make me feel anxious, and honestly, sometimes I  would rather be in my PJs with a book than in elaborate social situation which although it might make for good stories, that doesn't mean I'll be having a good time. 

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I wanted to write a blog post to go alongside my 'vision board with me' video which I recently posted to my Youtube channel (and can be found at the end of this blog post). I found myself wanting to continue rambling about vision boards, but twenty minutes for one Youtube video is already enough.

There are a few reasons I vision board. For manifestation, for clarity, for the creative process and for aesthetics.

I initially began vision-boarding when hitting a low led me to read self-help books, which led me to the law of attraction. One day I decided enough was enough and finally created a vision board as I'd noticed them popping up all over the place in the things I was reading and watching. I felt an urgency to create my vision board at that moment, so I made do with what I could find in the house, which was an old board for artwork.


When I removed everything from the vision board at the start of the year, I'd assumed most it would go back on, however, I wanted a fresh start, so still, I proceeded to take down the magazine clippings.
I was surprised when the majority of these pieces ended up in the recycling rather than back on my new vision board.

When it comes to choosing what makes the cut, I completely trust my gut. I go for what jumps out at me, and sometimes read things in my own way. The thing with going with your gut is that you end up pulling things from magazines that you didn't know you wanted. For me, a few things which unexpectedly made my pile centred around love and romance, something I was unaware I was looking for or rather convinced myself I had no interest in.

I was intending to write, to scribble quotes and the specifics of what I was after on my vision board, but once I finished sticking, I realised it said enough. The aesthetics of this mood board were different than before, it felt calming to look at, and that reflected mindfulness I'm trying to take forward into the new year.



All in all, I enjoy the process,  I find myself feeling grounded, and centred when creating something with my hands (it's what draws me to painting, drawing and crocheting). Coming away from the process I find a new self-awareness. It's somewhere to focus my attention. When I lose direction, it's somewhere to look, a reminder of what I want, and the journey I'm on.


I thought about writing a list of what I wanted from the year before beginning the process so I had some idea what I wanted to add to the vision board, why I was creating it. I decided against that, as I flicked through endless magazines, my gut told me, and that's something I've learned to trust.


It gave me clarity on some many things which I want to bring into my life, so I knew I was looking for, others I blindly chased, here are some of those things:
a positive state of mind
love
books
writing
to find my purpose
career success
and so much more.


I just wanted to discuss why I vision board and my process a bit more as it's something which changes both everything and nothing.


If you're interested in seeing my previous vision board and reading a little about it, it gets a little mention and some pictures in this blog post, and the video I mentioned earlier is below!

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What I've been up to:

Reading

Magazines/Online Articles

Vogue: What Company gets right about being single when everyone else is married by Sophie Heawood

Manrepeller: Vintage Shopping Could Make Your Whole Dang Outfit by Pandora Sykes

ID Magazine: Harry Styles in conversation with Timothée Chalamet

The Telegraph: Joe Sugg Strictly Diary honestly the part about his head looking like a conker was that got me reading this...

The Sunday Times: The Apps That Can Replace a Relationship by Dolly Alderton

Glamour Magazine: Soft Boy is the new F*ck Boy by Samantha McMeekin

Red December 2018 issue: A Very Schhmaltzy Christmas by Dolly Alderton

Red December 2018 issue: The Gift of the Grudge by Sophie Hannah

Red December 2018 issue: Scarlett Curtis on Christmas Traditions

Blogs

Steve Booker: Highs and Lows

What Olivia Did: Five Skincare Favourites

The Anna Edit: How to Budget for the Christmas Season



Books

- When We Collided by Emery Lord:  I've written a full review on this book, here.

- Playing Big by Tara Mohr: It's taken me a while to get through it, I know. I find this book brilliant with an edge, of boring, however, I do think there's a lot I can learn from it.

Watching

Netflix
Riverdale
The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina
Gilmore Girls

Youtube
Zoella Vlogs
Jo and Dianne react to dances

Listening:

Podcasts
The Fringe of It
Nobody Panic on How To Be More Organised
Feminist Don't Wear Pink with Alison Sudol
CTRL ALT DELETE with Pandora Sykes

Music
LM5
Ariana Grande
One Direction (lol going old school)


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Recently, I’ve been particularly unmotivated and taken habit in abandoning crossing off my to-do list and trading it in for seeing how much Netflix I can watch. It’s only now, I realise why. I, almost completely, gave up on myself. 

Failing is scary, and not failing, is even more so, because then what? Success can be underwhelming after working so hard, what if it doesn't live up to what I want it to be?

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Earlier this week, I turned 27, so today, I thought I'd share somethings I've learnt along the way.

1) Nothing clears the mind, quite like a walk in the woods with friends.

2) You are the most important person in your life. I am the most important person in my own life. However selfish it might seem, always put yourself first.

3) Friendships change, and sometimes you need to let go of them. Not friendship needs to last forever

4) Not everyone will always agree with you and that really doesn't matter. Not everyone will like you, and that really doesn't matter either.

5) Kindness is always more important than it seems.

6) What you wear, who you spend your time with and the media you consume will affect how you feel.

7) Just because something looks good on paper, it doesn't mean it will be that way in reality. That goes for people, jobs and the lives of others as they're portrayed on social media.

8) If someone ghosts you, let them. There's no need to try to start a new conversation after they didn't reply. There no need to dramatically ask them what you've done wrong (nothing), and don't bother to call them out on it, you're better off using your energy elsewhere

9) The feelings can't be helped, but how you react to those feeling can be.

10) Never respond when you're angry.

11) You will make mistakes, but at some point, you've got to forgive yourself. Reliving things in your head, will not change the past.

12) You can survive without the relationship you feel dependent on.

13) It's always worth making your bedroom a nice place to be. Light candles. Make your bed every morning. Put your washing away.

14) Always pee before you paint your nails.

15) Give yourself a little longer than you think you need in the morning.

16) Mediation makes a huge difference.

17) At some point exercise stops feeling like year 10 PE lesson. You're better off to learn that sooner rather than later.

18) If you're uninspired, take a break. If you're a writer feeling uninspired, you're probably not reading enough, pick up a book.

19) Love doesn't matter as much as the romcoms make out.

20) Friendships require maintenance. You need to check in with your friends, be the one to organise meeting up. Send them flowers and let them know you appreciate them.

21) Spontaneous nights out are usually the best ones.

22) You've got to give yourself a permission slip - It's down to you, to let yourself do the things you want to, and be the person you want to be, nobody else. No one else will give you a green light to go for what you want, it's all on you.

23) No one knows you, like you. Listen to your intuition over other people

24) No feeling lasts forever.

25) Feminist are not 'hairy angry women'. They are strong, important men and women who want to make the world better for everyone.

26) What others choose to do with their body is nothing to do with anyone else. Whether somebody wants to change their gender, not shaving or say goodbye to make up. It only becomes your business when it's your body and your mind.

27) You're allowed to like what you like and want what you want.

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My mum tried to, kindly, talk to me about the big 'what next'. She told me that I need to think about it. I haven't been able to stop crying since, because it's all I've been thinking about and still I don't have the answer.

Everything I want to do with my life takes the building, and it seems people in the career paths I want to be in, have been given different bricks to me. I'm not saying they didn't work for it, because I know they did. But what happens when the work doesn't seem to be paying off? When you're completely invisible, how do you make yourself seen? The work never seems to form anything tangible. Other people just don't seem to care about it, does that mean it's time to give up?

I don't want to spend the rest of my life, in a job I dislike, I want a career I'm proud of, one which I've built with my own two hands, but maybe I'm incapable of that.

Logically, I know they haven't, but I feel the people around me have waltzed into the right careers and I've barely taken a step forward since graduating if anything I've stepped backwards.

I turn 27 soon, and I don't have a job, which for someone who reads endless career books, is heartbreaking.

People keep telling me "loads of people have jobs they don't want" I know they do, but is it really such a bad thing that I want more than that for myself? Wanting to enjoy my life, is not too much to ask for, surely.
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October has been a quiet month for me. I've not really done all that much, but I have found myself watching a little too much Netflix so this monthly round-up could be a tad TV-heavy.

What I've been up to:

- Watching too much: Somehow this has been the month I've realised I actually love binge watching new things, it's probably a sign I've had too much time on my hands. I have discovered some great Netflix series though (more details on what in the watching section of this post).

- Moving Bedrooms - My sister recently moved out, so now her old bedroom has had a spruce up, I've moved my things across the corridor, into the bigger bedroom. I've spent a lot of time organising my belonging, trying my make my new space feel like mine.

- Going for dinner with my friend Jess: My friend Jess and I have been for dinner a couple of times this month to try out new menus and catch up, so I've eaten a lot of yummy food and had many lovely, and hilarious chats.

- Taking myself for coffee: It's been nice to get out of the house and type away while sipping a delicious latte. I'm always more productive in a coffee shop, so taking myself out for coffee has been a nice way to break up my days and ensure I'm getting the work done.

- Writing. Because that's what I do.

- A Spontaneous Night Out: Dancing in a gay club with my friends, having only decided hours before that we were going turned out to be one of the best alcohol infused nights I've had in a while

- Pumpkin Carving: After complaining to my friend Matt about my lack of Halloween plans we decided to spend a Friday night carving pumpkins and drinking hot chocolates. I was over ambitious with my pumpkin design and decided to go for, so naturally, one of the bats looked like it had a broken wing - but I had a great time doing it, nonetheless.

Watching:

Riverdale: Oh, so Riverdale... I'm a little obsessed. I'm utterly confused about the genre, sometimes it is crime investigation, sometimes it's teen romance, sometimes it's supernatural and sometimes it's musical, however, this weird mash-up seems to work. As it has gone on, my opinion of Cheryl Blossom has changed and she is now my idol. Also, I think Jughead is kind of wonderful. I'll be honest, I think the new session may have gone a little too far down the supernatural route, but it's only on the second episode as I write this, so things could change.

A Typical: I love this Netflix series a lot. It's about the life of a teenage boy and his family. Sam the main character is on the autistic spectrum. They a normal family dynamic, each character with their own issues and story. It's just quite wholesome. It's funny at times and sad at other times and all it feels very real.

The Mind of Jake Paul: This series was great, unlike anything I'd ever watched on Youtube before. I know people have been complaining that it humanised Jake Paul too much... but he is a human, so why should be not be seen as one? Yeah, I get that he's messed up before and can be seen as problematic, but it was interesting to see another side to him, to find out more of what's made him, how he is. I just thought this was great tbh.

You Me Her: I have never heard of this Netflix series before I watched it, but honestly it's great. The series is based around a married couple who both fall in love with a college student. It explores sexuality, polyamorous relationships, societies expectations of relationships, family dynamics. It's just really interesting, a lot more happens in the series that you'd expect.

All I See is You: This film is starring Blake Lively tells the story of a blind woman who regains her vision and how that impacts her marriage. This film is very beautifully shot, and very thought-provoking, but also a little confusing at times.

The Kissing Booth: I rewatched this and remember how much I love this film. The is the story of how a kissing booth brings a relationship to life. It's just a feel-good teen rom-com.

Reading

Articles:
Dolly Alderton on Personality Types in The Sunday Times Style.
Dolly Alderton on Confronting the Man Who Ghosted Her in The Sunday Times Style
Sir Philip Green named in Parliament as businessman at centre of Britain's #MeToo scandal in The Telegraph
Vera Papisova on Why Breaking Up and Being SIngle is Actually the Best in Teen Vogue


Books:
Playing Big by Tara Mohr
The Start of Me and You by Emery Lord
Feminist Don't Wear Pink and Other Lies by Scarlett Curtis

Blogs:
Carly Rowena on Body Positivity
The Anna Edit: My Top Reads of 2018 so far
What Olivia Did: 5 Skincare Favourites

Listening:

Podcasts
Feminist Don't Wear Pink with Helen Fielding
On the Line with Eileen Kelly on Embracing Your Sexuality
Don't Panic on How to Host a Halloween Party


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I don't usually introduce the type of blog content I want to write, however, in this post, I want to talk a little about a blog series I've got planned before I go ahead and hit the publish button on some more personal posts.

I've always been somebody who has kept diaries. On and off through the years, I've written down my emotions. I've put pen to paper to figure out where I'm at with life. Diary writing is that it's very raw, which is exactly why I want to do a blog series on it.

Something that is very important to me writing this blog is that I'm authentic, true to myself, that I'm human and I'm imperfect and learning. Blog posts in the style of diary entries will be invasive, yes. They will be real and raw, and personally, I think that's exactly how all the writing that really speaks to me is.


I'm not 100% sure what form they will take, each one may vary, but here are some things you can have:

1) Photo diaries, something more visual, using my photography to walk you through something of my favourite days.

2) Talking about the events, and the people in my life, letting you into what my ways look like, from the boring ones to the more exciting ones.

3) How I'm feeling, honestly. At the moment that I'm writing, my worries, my gratitude. All the shadow and light that crosses my mind. I'm going to try to be vulnerable here because I think that matters. The stream of conscious posts will remain that, almost unedited as if the pages in my diary.

4) Short posts

5) Long posts

6) Exploring. my relationships, my emotions, who I am, and what shapes that.

7) Hurt that I'm feeling, happiness that I'm experiencing. Good days, and bad days.

I guess it will take a while to get into the swing to writing these, so we'll soon see how they turn out.


I want this to feel like a safe space, and this may do the opposite, but I hope by giving you a real peek into my imperfect mind, others might find comfort, and maybe I will too.


I wish I'd kept all of my old journals to look back over, but they've ended up binned, so now I'll keep them here, for anyone to read. These post I'm hoping will work well with the vlogs I've started to film (you can find my youtube channel here) as I've decided to start documenting, this very lost chapter of my life, capture my life while I'm figuring things out - the first of which will go live Wednesday.

Recently, I've found my self a little underwhelmed by my life, a little gutted that it isn't fuller. I've realised the life I'm living, is far from what I want. I've been wracking my brain endlessly, hoping for a solution to come to mind, something I can change to make everything fall into place because where I am right now, does not feel on the money.

I've considered how to put things right, what I can change. I left the job I was unhappy in. I did a whole lot of unfollowing on social media, I spent a full day 'hinching' my bedroom. Now, I'm unemployed, my social media feeds are quieter and my room is clean, and my life is still unfulfilled.


Then something hit me, the thing I need to work on changing is not my surroundings, it's me. The life I lead now is the life which I attracted. It's sort of a shit show, and that's all down to down to me.

I've been struggling lately. I've felt very alone and lost. I've been playing the victim, but now is the time I stop. It's the time I recognise a lot of this struggle is caused by the consequences of my own actions. My actions are something I can change and it's time for a change.

Of course, everything about this concept is daunting. Old habits die hard, you don't wake up one day and become a new person, it's a process.

So here are some things I'm going to work on changing:

1) Say yes, even when I'd rather spend my evening in the pjs reading my book  - I'm going to try to be more open to meeting new people, going to different places and just getting out more. I automatically sale my life short by choosing to stay in my bedroom when there is a whole world out there.

2) Run with ideas rather than putting them to the back of my mind - I tend to have loads of ideas buzzing around my head, and the majority of them get ignored, I guess mainly down to fear of trying. I'm going to try to ignore the fear, rather than the ideas and see how that works out for me.

3) Read more self-help and actually put the advice into practice - I'm a little obsessed with those slightly cringy self-help books. I tend to read them, but not actually do that much with the knowledge in them. I feel inspired for a day afterwards, and then I go back to living the same old life, rather than make the changes.

4) Practise what I preach: Meditate daily, write daily, read daily, keep a gratitude journal.

5) Fake it until I make it: Do the work I'd be doing if I already had the life I wanted.

6) Set realistic goals: Sometimes I think my goals can be over-ambitious, which then makes them scary, and leaves me doing nothing. I need to start concentrating on the next 5 minutes of my life instead of the next few years.

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The summer of 2010, I found myself in tears. I was having a conversation with my mum.  "But I don't want to go, I don't even like children," I told her.
"I know Clo, but it's only for a few months until you start Uni. It's not forever and you need some money" she replied, frustrated.

My new job wasn't as bad as I had expected. The hours were long and I hated singing to crying babies. But it was okay, working at the nursery. I needed the money, and I actually bonded with some of the children. I liked painting with them, they made me laugh, and there's something kind of wonderful about having an excuse to play as an adult.


While I was at Uni, I returned to work at the nursery between term times. When you're a student, money is money. I graduated with a BA(honours) degree in Fashion and returned to that job while looking for something new. I found a new job, it seemed perfect, it wasn't. The pay was shit, and when my probation was up, despite being great at every other aspect of the job,  I was told I not confident enough doing the one part of the job I hated. I returned to my search and the comfort of my old job, retelling the Gruffalo without one having to look down at the words. I got a job on a makeup counter. I decided it wasn't for me. I found myself, back in that familiar building, singing with Preschoolers, and changing nappies all over again.

I worked at a job I never wanted for 8 years. Sometimes I liked it.  There were days I laughed with my colleagues, my friends. The children called me pretty if I wore makeup (which was rare). They drew me pictures of rainbows, I stuck them to my bedroom wall like a proud parent displaying finger paintings on the fridge.
There were days I locked myself in the staff toilet and cried. Days parents complained, no matter how hard I worked. Sometimes the children played up, as children do. When they wouldn't listen, I felt out of control, not just of them, of my entire life. On these days, I hated myself because I dreamed of more. These days outweighed the ones I felt lucky.

Despite the hints of joy, my life felt mediocre. I felt embarrassed talking to my friends from Uni. I let go of friendships because I felt so ashamed,  my life wasn't enough for me. Despite working hard, having a job which some people love, I was always so aware it was not what I wanted. Being told I was good at it, or that I was lucky to have a job I could count on, did not change the simple fact, that it wasn't, isn't, what I want to spend my days doing.

I blogged in the background but felt foreground worthy. I wrote countless diary entries, spent my bus journeys typing poetry into the notes on my iPhone. I read books. I longed to write more, to write better. So I took a course. It made me realise, I didn't just want to write better, I want to be an actual real-life writer, you know, who earns a living from it (on realising that, I wrote this blogpost).

I wrote more. I encouraged 3 years old to eat their veg. I wrote more. I helped children master potty training. I wrote. I gave out stickers for good behaviour while daydreaming of writing more. 

I did another course  'How to Write and Pitch for (Women's) Magazine with Laura Jane Williams, although I struggle to tweet without a typo (I'm working on it folks), the feedback seemed to indicate, I'm actually pretty alright at writing, I just need to send the pitches. My sister told me I'm a very talented writer, a friend started crocheting my poetry to display at an exhibition, and my friends text me to say they connected with my blog posts. The Universe was gently nudging me and quietly whispering, that maybe, I'm not the only that can see value in my words.

I started getting dizzy spells. I'd suddenly feel overcome with a feeling of faint. One Wednesday afternoon,  I found myself, at work, laying on the kitchen floor, feet elevated, waiting for the world to come back into focus. It was as though felt my body was telling me something.

I decided something had to change. I handed in my notice, with no job to go to. I didn't give it a second thought. I made the decision something had to change, so now was the time to change something.

I couldn't build my dreams, earning little money, working long hours and a place which is tainted with my feelings of inadequacy.

So I decided to take advantage of the privilege that comes alongside being an adult living with a parent, trust my gut and get the hell out that job.

I'm 26, slightly terrified, and technically unemployed. I'm also excited.  I'm not sure what's next but my leap of faith is forcing me to keep writing, to look for people who fall in love with my words.

I'm intending on becoming a real writer. Yes, people look at me as though I'm crazy when I tell them I've left my job, but for the first time ever I feel I'm thinking clearly, I'm putting what I want first, despite the risk. I'm sick of my mediocre life, so it's time to build that career that exists in my mind.

For the first time in a long time, I'm hopeful. I'm trusting my gut, I'm trusting the Universe, and I can't wait for what's to come.

Dress: New Look (similar linked) | Tee: Topshop | Shoes: M&S | Earring: Primark (similar linked) | Bag: Urban Outfitters (similar linked) | Necklace: ASOS (similar linked)

Photography by Madeleiine Grace
*Affiliate Links used in this blogpost

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You may have noticed, I've been a little slack with my weekly blog posts recently, the reason for that being, that since returning from my holiday (more on that next week), I have finally been told why I've spent the past year or more feeling lightheaded pretty regularly. Although it wonderful to know that I'm not going insane, since being diagnosed (I'm not going to go into details of what's wrong, there's no need to share the ins and outs of my health, but is nothing serious, just something which needs managing), the lightheadedness, has escalated and I've begun fainting, a lot  (ironically it took so long to diagnose because I wasn't fainting). It's not nice. Although fainting moments after a bouncer called me dramatic for trying to sit down, made me thank my body for its impeccable timing, I've felt, to put it bluntly, like shit.

Last week was one incredibly challenging for me, both mentally and physically. To feel the world slip away, while knowing that all eyes are on you, and not having the energy to say or do a thing. To lose complete control over your body, and feel helpless knowing that's your only option until it passes. Fainting is it the strangest mixture of being unaware and aware at the very same time. You feel your eyes rolling, your head dropping. You feel it, but you can't stop it. You become aware of your blood, you can almost feel it washing down towards your toes in waves. Sometimes you've got no choice but to give in to your stubborn and say goodbye to the world for a moment. Fainting is terrifying but temporary, and when it's happening, there's no stopping it. 

The timing of this has been awful, my sisters recently moved out and my mum and stepdad are away, so I'm home alone, and yet I've never felt less capable of being independent.

It's isolating. This week has felt lonely. I was sent home from work on two days and called in sick on two other days. The people who care, have been worrying about me, rightly so. However, there is this weird line, where your friends and family begin to feel more like your babysitters as they're constantly (and kindly) checking up on you. The two-way streets of relationships can move away from their usual give and take when one person is more vulnerable.

I've also felt haunted by the fear of fainting. It's easy to cancel plans and stay at home in bed because of 1. it's scary to faint 2. it's scarier to faint in public 3. I don't want to be a liability. As much as staying home in bed can often be a wonderful thing, when overdone, it can lead to mind spirals, it can pull you into a state of sadness. when your home has become your base after being off work sick, the four walls that you live in can become kind of evil, you feel both like a prison in your home and in your head, if your mind is that way inclined. I know myself well enough to say, my mental health is very up and down. I'm either high or low, and that is the highest highs and the lowest lows. So a week of feeling poorly and alone in my own home was more than likely to send my mind on the eeriest wild goose chase with the destination being the hell of my own head.

Of course, the easy option is to accept that I'm not well, I can't do anything, and because there's a possibility of fainting I could stay home, where I'm living with sadness. But the easy option isn't always the best route.

My sister asked me about my plans for the weekend, I told her I was going to cancel my plans because I didn't feel like it and... what if I faint?!

She told me I had to keep my plans or see her, she wasn't allowing me to be home and sad (she knows me well it seems)

So after sending my friend's several stroppy texts (sorry guys) saying I couldn't make the Bristol Food Tour which had been planned and paid for, for months, I finally owned up let them know I was worried about fainting and asked if they were they okay with me going knowing it's a possibility I could faint. Of course, they wanted me to go, they're my friends, after all.

That was yesterday. Today, I still feel weak, but I feel like myself. I had forgotten how that feels over the past few weeks. Sometimes a day with friends is what you need to escape the prison of your own mind, and to find yourself. Mental Health is, of course as important as physical health, and they often walk hand in hand, but yesterday was my reminder that they don't always have to.

Outfit Details:

Dress: New Look (on sale now)
Shoes: Vans (similar linked)
Hat: Urban Outfitters (no longer available in yellow)
Glasses: Tom Ford (similar linked)




*affiliate links are used in the blog post.

As we are halfway through 2018 (how?!) I thought I'd look through my New Years Goals and see how/if they're coming along. I think we can all agree this year is flying by, so it time to regain some focus on my goals before we're counting down to 2019. 

Let's talk about where I am with those goals I blogged about 6 months ago...

1) Write the book

2) Save and make more money than last year

3) Be the planner, organise things

4) Take better care of my body 

5) Visit more places

6) Take steps towards buying a house

7) Gain some success and direction in my career

This is always a funny one. I feel I am taking steps they are just small ones. I've interviewed for jobs which I didn't get. But still, I turned up. Although I'm not earning from the blog, I'm beginning to feel less invisible in the blogging world, a step which needed to come first. I've noticed the comments on my blog become more thoughtful. I've gained a few follows from people I think are really valuable to the industry (I mean, hello Lucy Sheridan on Instagram and Emma Gannon on Twitter!). 

New Day Knitwear has been changed to something more personal for the founder Stacie Clark Knit, I had some coaching with Laura Jane Williams, decided to start sharing my poetry, and now Stacie has begun Crocheting my words, to be displayed in an exhibition! (more about that here)

My blog was mentioned on a Jessica Jade Beauty blog post. So all in all, I'm feeling a little more visible and that's seems the start of something big. I'm also planning on spending my day applying for the most perfect job, so I'm crossing my fingers and all of my other limbs. 

With my career is feels like I've moved nowhere and everywhere at the same time. Although currently working the same job I've always worked, things are falling into place, and more than ever I believe myself when I say it's not my forever job, and the career I've been in search of for all these years in heading my way. 

8) Take Youtube more seriously

This is a funny one if anything I've done the opposite because honestly, Youtube hasn't felt like a priority. I'm at a stage where I'd rather my time went into my writing. Although I still love creating videos, and will still do it whenever I feel I have something to share with my audience, I want my focus to be on building this blog, improving my writing and finishing my book. I am however trying to make the videos I am creating the best possible quality and I think this is something which is showing. 

9) Don't accept less than wonderful

Without a doubt, I've got better at this. I don't settle so much. I put my energy into making the things I already have wonderful and I don't let people walk all over me like I used to. Having said that, I'm still not perfect at this occasion I pick heart over head and make time for someone who is flaky, I'm learning when to draw the line through which is the important part. 2018 so far, I've felt pretty contented which I think is both because of this goal and making this goal more sustainable. When I'm happy, the wonderful things come my way, and therefore I don't have the time for the things which aren't. I have the self-respect now, to drop the people who are crap to me, without making exceptions.