Sharper Emotions 

Sometimes I wonder
If I feel too intensely
If my heart breaks too easily
   Why I need to be handled so delicately
Desperately I desire to numb the sensitivity

The emotions that are sharper
Aren't just those darker
   My laugh echos louder
and smiles run deeper

My love creates cosmic energy
which I feel moving through each inch of me

So maybe it's a blessing
that I don't feel less

Although mostly it seems 
I'm an emotional mess.


___________

Too Sensitive

Maybe next time
before you
confidently claim
I'm too sensitive
You might
think of my feelings
before you go about
hurting them.


____________

Unsure

For a precious
perfect instant
I felt so sure

But a moon has passed
and I guess I don't
anymore.


___________

Mosaic 

I thought
   You'd changed
That the past was something
   we could rearrange.

Gentles kisses would allow me
to disengage
Instead, I'm questioning why I stayed,
mistakes I've made.

I hoped we'd make
what we'd broken
into something
     beautiful
Like a ceramic mosaic,
Sticking shards to create art, in the places it fell apart.

But there's familiar you
I see peeking through
between giggles and kind gestures.

I can't unsee
You can't unsay
So maybe it's best 
we call it a day.


______________

One Week

______________

Irrelevant 

How I strongly I feel
   for you
Is irrelevant
when it weakens
How I feel about
myself.


______________

Feeling Heavy

_____

Monochrome Kaleidoscope

It's like I'm looking through a
         cryptic kaleidoscope
Of mirrored, shattered
black, grey and white
In search of confidence, it will be alright.
When I can't see clearly
through the monochrome
Alone amongst dancing disjointed shapes
Unable to see means of
escape.


_______

Unreachable

Late twenties
longing
for a career
which I can't quite reach
Is the loneliest place,
I've ever been.


________

Happily ever after

I felt free and light and happy
and then you called me heavy
and then it hit me
the weight of us
the weight of falling back
in love
Wondering if I'm enough
or maybe I'm too much.
Of knowing I deserve better
More than the kindness you endeavour
but can't quite master.

There's Gilmore Girls and sunny days of laughter
and
occasional
coffee shop
tears
They leave you, confused. Unamused.
Brilliant, beautiful and emotional
It isn't a complete disaster
yet that's not the recipe for
happily after ever.


_________

Drunken, Dancing Souls

The music stops.
The light obnoxiously turns on.
We realise the crowd has dissolved into a few drunken souls
dancing
through the chatter-filled silence.

We're not ready to go home.


_________

Not so pretty poetry

These words entanglements
we're supposed to bear some resemblance
to poetry
   pretty poetry.

They shouldn't be means to complain
but my body and soul
I feel they've been drained
So we're left with the scribbles
of going insane.


________

I regularly post poetry on my Instagram, so if you enjoyed this post, head over there for more!

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If you follow me on Instagram, you may know I write poetry, which I used to post. Somewhere along the lines, imposter syndrome hit, and I became embarrassed of that vulnerability, so I deleted it from my feed, and like that, it went back to being my secret habit.

It's something which carries both shame and pride for me. It's often a source of insecurity, it feels like an uncool hobby, and the writing tends to be about my feelings, which although they matter, it can be pretty intense to be so raw with them. It feels cringe.

I've always loved writing poetry, despite never being particularly talented at it. I'm an over-thinker, an avid reader and a diary keeper, writing it feels natural, it slots into who I am.

I remember writing a poem with my auntie and uncle when I was younger, I think for a school project and enjoying playing with the words, laughing with them as we tried to create rhymes, and rearranged words. I remember the pride a felt when I figured the combination of those words which worked the best.

I wrote a  poem in primary school which got published in a local church book, and that was the first time I'd done something which had got recognised. I was so proud.

Once I made a tumblr, with the username Iwillbecomeawriter, where I posted poetry, but soon deleted it due to insecurity.

There have been times my head has felt like it's exploding and my heartbreaking, and finding a tangible, maybe beautiful way to put that on to paper, made it easier to cope. Despite being dreadful at spelling, I don't remember a time I wasn't fascinated with words and how we string them together. How they can carry weight and how the right combination of them, can make a person feel. Words can evoke emotion which you didn't even know was there.

I'm usually quite a closed person. I'm introverted, shy and I struggle to talk out loud about my feelings, it's not how I communicate, speaking doesn't always work for me, I stutter, and hold back, sometimes I simply can't seem to make the words move from my mind to something which comes out of my mouth. But writing down nonsense, and trying to make it something, trying to untangle how I feel amongst the words, that's what works for me.

I don't think I'm good at writing, but I long to be. I'm a great believer in practice so each day this month I'm writing a poem, whether I feel like it or not, and I'm posting it to this Instagram, whether I think it's good or not because I want to push myself. I want to teach myself to be better with words, I want to have the ability to make people feel, and I want to take in all that I feel.

It's cringe for sure, it's embarrassing, writing poetry. But some pretty cool people do it too, and I've felt nothing for than admiration for those people. Plus I'd be doing it whether I shared it or not, so it's about time I rediscovered that pride I had as a child when my poetry was published for others to see.



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Lost my mind

Sometimes I wonder 
If I've lost my mind.
Maybe she's wandering down supermarket aisles, 
 like a child in search of Mum, after a mission to fetch bread.
Sometimes I wonder if one night I simply
put her to bed,
and she's not woken from her lie in, 
like a teenager snoozing at 2pm on a Saturday afternoon
Sometimes I wonder if she got bored of me
or peaked too soon.

 But if I'm quiet, I hear her whisper,
Her voice is loud when I choose to listen.
So maybe many
 will think I'm crazy.
 She's just been busy 
- my favourite lady. 



___

Many Things 

____

Feeling Heavy

____

Lonely 

___

I regularly post poetry to Instagram, so if you want to read more of my words, follow me on there @chloeharriets


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The majority of my life I have been single. With just one serious relationship under my belt, which edged on just under three years of my existence.

I've spent a lot more time out of a relationship than in one, and it seems I've been through every possible phase of being single. I've felt unlovable and inadequate, left out and sick of third wheeling. I have been in unrequited love. I've found myself fancying every almost every new person which caught my eye, and I've tried to force chemistry when I was uninterest. I have desired something casual and prayed to the gods of fate that I'd fall in love at first sight. And then there's where I am at today, which feels like something more alien than all of the hurt and desperation. I am content with my independence.

I used to think, having a relationship would complete me. I felt envious of friends who had boyfriends to go home to, and a sharp ping of loneliness offered a regular reminder, I was 'unloved'.

To fall madly in love, get married and have a family was always something I thought was supposed to happen, it was predetermined. By the 26  I expected to be further ahead with this great plan, but more than that, assumed that would be a priority of mine. It is not, it almost feels irrelevant.

If I fall into a deep love which is return, that would be wonderful, yet if I don't my life will still be wonderful just in a different way. Not falling in love, or having a relationship won't take away from the person I am, and the things I will do.

I got asked on a date recently, by somebody I like, but it wasn't until I typed out my reply, I realised, I really am not looking for anything serious right now. For once in my life, I am finding living as I am, more important than searching for love.

There's this idea, that when we get to a certain age, around the ages I am at now, it's the time to settle down with a partner. If we're not in that place we are often painted in the light of sadness and considered lacking. We desperately swipe until our finger can manage no more because heck time is running out, right? But if I am happy now as things are, why do I need to add a relationship to the mix? Love is wonderful but chasing the idea of it, isn't so much. There also something completely freeing about not having to spend time mindless scrolling passed singles on tinder and endure the cringe-worthy messages.

There's something freeing in thinking, right now, I'm my only priority. I like that I only have to really worry about myself. My problems and my joys are mine alone. I am at a point in my life, where my main concern is my career or lack of. I've got a life to build, and I'd quite like to know I did it by myself.

It's nice to be selfish. I would like children one day (whole other topic that), and with that in mind, this is the only time I have to be selfish. I like that if I decide to move cities, I haven't got a whole other life to consider, and I can read before bed until whatever time I please (let's be honest, it will be no later than 10pm but it's nice to have options). I like the space my thoughts have, and I actually enjoy spending time by myself.  All of my stuff is my stuff, I don't have to make room for anyone else, or share the moisturiser I splashed out on.

When I was in a relationship, I got too comfortable leaning on somebody else. It's good to just stand up myself. It's good to feel worthy as an individual, and not to be thought of as one of two. Half the package.

Of course, I get lonely, everybody does. Sometimes, I think it would be nice to have someone, but that's a wave which leaves as quick as it arrives. I've been close to people in search of a cure for loneliness before, and that is not a tone I want to set for my relationship with anyone, including myself. I'd rather ride the waves of lonely if that means a few tears and self-doubt than have someone replaceable to fill a hole.

Now, I know some relationships are wonderful, but for me, right now, there's joy in concentrating on me, and me alone.

I like that I'm the most important person in my life right now.
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There will come a moment
when waves of me
will come
Crashing into you
And I will abandon you
in the
Storm

as I sit in still
appreciate the calm
and breathe in
your Absence.


~~~


We have to be
either something
or nothing

I may go insane
if we stubbornly remain
barely
in between
clinging onto
something of nothing.


~~~~


That place you held
in my heart
has relocated to the
depth of my chest
And the gasp of each painful breath
Through the darkness of words unsaid
They ache and echo
Desperately
holding onto letting go


~~~~

My heart hurts
because you, don't want it.
You fail to show a single sign of respect for it.
I'm living with constant regret of this
For, I know better.
But when I get an opportunity to
gaze until your encapsulating eyes
Poppet, I smile as I eat up, each and every
lie.

~~~~

Maybe undeserved escape from you
Or the numbing feeling
will stop me feeling
inadequate
You have a habit of, encouraging to me to feel
far from enough
So, here's my tough route
to feel self-love.

I recently spent the day in London with my Mum. I wanted to go to poetry reading which was on Portobello Road, so Mum and I decided it was the perfect excuse to have a bit of a day trip and spend some time together.

Now you decided to relive the past