Today, I want to discuss fate, self-worth and second chances, as they are all things which have been playing on my mind, and to me, seem quite entangled in one another, when it comes to romantic relationships. Being a sucker for a rom-com, it’s no surprise, that despite how incredibly single I am, romance, is something which I often think about. 

I am a big believer in fate, and soul mates, I think that when you see two people together, and the fit is right, the world feels different around them, they move differently and in a way that the world follows their pace. I think you can feel it in the air when you’re around two soulmates, and similarly, if you’re a couple who don’t belong together, you feel that too - which is why sometimes, you have a bad feeling about a friends new boyfriend, even if on paper, he’s great. They just don’t always fit right. 

(not my picture, found on Atticus Poetry Instagram, I just love the image)

Something that plays into believing in fate, is unintentionally searching for fate. Convincing yourself that coincidence is fate, although we all know there is no romance behind drunkenly kissing a ‘lad’ in a club. 

And then there is this myth. ‘I always go back to him, so it must be fate’. For a long time, I believed this, there are two guys in particular, who never liked me enough to actually be with me. But if they called, I would answer. I would go running to them, time and time again, and I always thought, fate keeps bringing us together when realistically it was drunken texts, loneliness and not a lot else. 

And then there are the opinions of friends, which sometimes, not always, will unintentionally, kind-heartedly back up the bullshit, and make you think that being dropped, and long as you’re picked back up is okay. It's not that they think that is okay, it's simply they are seeing what you see and looking on the bright side, maybe they don't necessarily want to be the bearer of somebody else off-handed rejection.

One of the two guys I mentioned previously, managed to, without trying, convince, myself and my friend, that I would end up with him. Why? Because he kept showing back up, on nights out. We’d talk on and off, for two years. Even his friend said to me “You’ve been talking for two years, you’re obviously going to end up together”… He’d been stringing me along for two years. Rejecting me, time and time again, and then kissing me while intoxicated, and telling me he wants to be with me. Did I mention in these two years, he did not once spend time with me soberly? 

Eventually, he did. Recently actually. I drunkenly text him, because I felt completely gutted that my friend was meeting up with his friend on a night out, I was jealous, and haven't spoken to him in months, I felt they had stolen our fate. 

The next day he asked to see me. Sober. He was a changed man, and that fate, we’d all been talking about was taking shape. 

He kissed me, and my gut told me ‘I’m going to regret this tomorrow’ and I urgently pushed that thought to the back of my mind, because I wanted to enjoy my day with him, despite searching for my fate, I still didn't know when we’d get another.
 He played the guitar, and I thought, I could fall madly in love with this boy. He promised to see me again soon and explained that is also rubbish at texting.

He was a changed man... 

And, he has either evaporated or lied to me. 

My friend told me what she believed, "you’ll hear from him, you two always go back to each other"

And that is what it took for me to understand, that if it’s fate, there is no need to go back to people. They would want to with you in the first place. They would have you. He would be my boyfriend right now, he would have been my boyfriend for nearly two years by now. 

If you have read “Bloom” by Estée Lalonde, you might be familiar with Estée’s and Aslans, love story. To shorten it, they met in an online chat room. He lived in the UK, she lived in Canada. He sent her postcards every day. Their first date was a road trip around America, she then moved halfway across to the world, to a country she’d never visited, to be with him.

If she can get a postcard each day, from a guy who lives in another country, I should be able to get so much from somebody in my own city, if it’s fate. However, I can’t even get a text back. 

So, it’s time to remember, what fate really entails, if somebody won’t move across the earth for me, they are not my soulmate, they are just another person, and one who doesn' want me. If it takes two and a half years for someone to see me soberly, it will take longer than my lifetime, for them to want me to be their girlfriend. There is nothing romantic in that.

Someone wanting to see you without having 5 double vodka lemonades beforehand should never feel groundbreaking.

Sorry if this were too personal.
My mind has been going at its own speed, trying to figure this out, so I wanted to note it down, to make sense of it. And I thought it deserves a place on my blog, just in case it reminded a reader of their self-worth.