Well, it's been a week for me. A week of reminders that mental health ebbs and flows. That as humans we are inconsistent. Moods are changing and situations are moving, although often at a different speed than we were hoping. We've got to trust the timing, although often it seems the clock is set wrong. 

I'm an anxious person. I think everyone has some level of anxiety. But there was a day this week when it felt like my entire being was made of anxiety. I didn't know how I was going to make it through that day. Not in a morbid way, in a way that everything felt so heightened I couldn't imagine being out of it, but here we are.

I cried. I threw up, twice. I breathed, in for the count of 4. I held it for the count of 4. and I breathed out for the count of 4. One, two three, four. I lay on the floor in the fetal position and noticed my body shaking. And eventually had a somewhat normal evening. My mind wasn't switched off, but I went about the motions. I sat in front of the TV while my fiancé cooked dinner. I wasn't watching the TV but it was on. I ate carbonara, but I don't think I tasted it. And then I slept. The next day I had what I could only describe as an anxiety hangover. My head was pounding. But I'd made it to the next day, and from then the week was on the up. 

I think that day, I had what people refer to as a breakdown. I'm not really sure how you classify something as a breakdown, but it felt like I had broken. I've had panic attacks before but this felt like more, it felt like I was stuck in a loop of panic attacks. But as my week went it felt more distant, and I remember what it was like to feel joy again. In fact, I even felt joy again.

I know this was triggered by a situational thing. A build-up of a situation which crescendoed. A situation which will hopefully change. And of course, I'm going to take action to not get to this point again. Make changes where they're needed. 

This was a personal one I know. I didn't have much of a plan for today's writing session. Beforehand I'd listened to The Ravens podcast, where, Tessa was a guest, and on this podcast about One Tree Hill they spoke about mental health, and the importance of sharing it - and so when I went to write, that's where I went with it. Is spoken about my mental health online before, but I've never gone into the details. Today it felt like the details mattered. That I'd experienced something which felt so intense writing about it might dilute it. Or at least comfort someone else. 

Bad days happen, but they don't define the other days, and even when we feel feeble I think we can find the power in us to make changes, at least that's what I'm attempting.

It was only a week ago I wrote my last post, but it feels like a lot has changed. Like somehow the earth has shifted on its axis and the world has hit the reset button. I feel in a different place.

One of my goals for this year was to look after myself properly. By that I mean to invest in looking after myself. I'm fortunate enough, that if I budget correctly I am able to afford to do that. This new year's intention has changed everything.

Almost two weeks ago I started taking action on this goal. I finally saw a private dermatologist about my eczema. I've had eczema forever. But over the past few years, it's been bad. Like everything it goes through phases, it follows the pattern of my stress, and I find myself stuck in a vicious cycle, a catch-22. Stress is the cause, and what it causes. The NHS are great, don't get me wrong, but with this, they haven't provided the help I've needed to live the life I want. I won't go into how difficult living with eczema has been, I'll save that for another day. But when it's severe and covers 90% of your body, living in that body does not feel like a pleasant place to live.

So I did some googling. I rang a dermatologist and on the same day I found myself in their offices (offices... is that what they're called? Surgery maybe?)

I won't go into my treatment plan, you don't need to know that. But I will say, my life feels like it's changed. Changed in a way that no level of mindfulness would have achieved.

You see, I am a self-confessed, obsessed self-care junkie. The more cringe and cliché and more into it I am. Often I've fooled myself into thinking my mindset would change everything. It was my mindset that got me through the bad days, but I should just be dragging myself through the days, by clinging to the hope of words of affirmation, when my skin feels on fire. Life is for living after all. 

This one change made me realise I'd been doing it wrong. The self-care thing that is. Where I thought I was an expert, I was actually quite naive and narrow-minded. I'd bought into an idea of self-care that was sold to me through aesthetically pleasing Instagram feeds. Now don't get me wrong, there's a place for all of that. But I'd made the mistake of thinking that's where it started. It's not. The pretty stuff... that's sprinkles on the self-care cupcake. It's sure as hell, not the cake itself.

There needs to be a solid foundation on which you build upon

When my skin was so itchy, that I was up all night, my 10-minute morning meditation might have offered a small distraction, but it was also spent thinking about how I was itchy and tired and my skin hurt. And now I'm in a better place, I can feel the impacts of my mindfulness. 

You can't work backwards. You've got to start from the bottom. Address the problem. Face the big things. And then add the other stuff in. 

In all my years journalling, doing yoga, and picking up daily habits to become the person I aspire to be, I've noticed small shifts, and I always say if it makes you feel good, it makes you feel good it's as simple as that. But I've never felt such a difference, huge a big transformation in my energy, emotion and brain space as I have from putting my hand in my pocket and paying the money to actually see changes to the one thing that has truly made my days difficult.

And I know it won't always necessarily be like this. I know situations, circumstances, and moods change. But I will never take for granted the ease of having clear skin. 

Let this be your reminder, self-care isn't the pretty stuff. The pretty stuff, matters. The lifestyle sprinkle. But you've got to start with life. 

It has been a while. 

I lost my way with writing, I lost my way with this blog.

I felt as though I'd run out of things to say. I couldn't find words that held value, every sentence felt like too much or too little.

Life got busy. My life changed, transformed, and morphed into something new. Before I knew it I had new routines. A new home to settle into. A relationship that did the job which writing used to do, clearing the dusty corners in my mind. Life felt lighter.

And then it got heavy. In love and living in a happy home. I struggled with anxiety and found my skin angry with eczema flare-ups (severe and covering 90% of my body) making day-to-day tough. Transforming little things feel like big things, and not in a nice way. With that my mind filled with fog, and my priority was navigating each day, with only the energy to binge Netflix shows in my pockets of spare time. 

Things have moved forward as they do. And the dust had cleared and now I have space to find words again. 

I've wanted to get back into blogging for the longest time. I just no longer knew how to do it. Ideas for blog posts stopped coming to me in the middle of the night. It wasn't until I was reading Jamie Varon's newsletter that I realised why.

She said "I want to outgrow past versions of myself so completely that trying to go back is painful. I don’t want to be who I was."

And it made me so painfully aware, I'd been trying to grow by going backwards. 

I was trying to make this website of mine what it used to be. Trying to mould words to sound like a past version of myself. But I'm not her anymore, and there's value in growth. Maybe eyeliner reviews don't spark joy like they used to. The purpose of my writing is not what it once was. I'm no longer trying and failing to create a career out of sharing things I love online. I'm writing to know myself more. Play with words again, build them into stories and wanderings which might provide clarity, provoke thought, or a moment of peace. For myself and maybe for whoever else decides to read.

Now I've learned things are fluid, and there might come a time I want to use this platform to share a really great lipstick, but for now, once a week, I'm going to sit down with my laptop and write what comes to me. I might not share everything, and sometimes there might not be a lot to share, but every week, the intent will be there, and I think that's enough.

I'm ready to write again, and I hope you'll come and read what I've got to say.

Typing feels exciting again, and that's really something.

And although the style might be slightly different, after typing away, I feel light, like I used to.

Are you ready for it?!

Creativity.

And it's got me excited to feel craft-y again.

Have you set a word for the year?!

Hello, happy new year. 2022 feels good, doesn't it? 

As I do around this time every year, I've been thinking about the person I am, the person I want to be, the things I want to achieve and the kind of life I would like to lead and use this information to set my intentions and goals for the year to come (my blog post on my word of intention for the year is coming soon too, promise).

I know some people don't like thhe practice of create new year goals and resolutions, but I personally find them refreshing and exciting. They add a little extra flavour to the hope I find within a new year beginning.

So without further ado - here are my goals for 2022...

Feel like a writer again - and a blogger for that matter.

I used to feel like a writer. I used to shae poetry on my Instagram despite cringing whilst pressing post. I've written an entire finished draft of a novel, which is simply sitting on the laptop I'm typing on right now, just waiting around for me to make some edits. I used to write for the sake of writing. For how it made me feel. 

My life had transformed a lot over the past few years. It's become happier, one I'd wished for, but with that my constant desire to write somewhat faded. It wasn't that I no longer enjoyed it, more that I no longer need to feel the release it provides. I no longer feel so lost that words on the page are the only way I can find myself. But still, I miss writing. I miss the places it takes and the peace it brings me. I miss the thrill of the words just coming to me. The high of feeling like I've explained myself in a way I couldn't out loud. I stopped writing because I didn't feel so sad, so lost that I needed it. But now I'm happy and in the place I want to be and maybe it's worth writing about that too. My happiness is worth writing down, recording on paper.

I miss talking about my blog with pride. I miss showing up, sharing with my tiny part of the internet every week. In 2022, I will find the writer and the blogger within me again. 

A long time ago I wrote this blog post. Deep down I'm still that girl who dreams of being a writer. So I'd better get writing again.

Have more fun with fashion.

Complete 5 paintings

Make 5 pieces of clothing that I actually wear.

Actually, start my search for a literary agent and publisher

Go outside every day

This is such a simple thing, that makes all the difference to my mental health. I'm working from home at the moment, and sometimes before I realise it I haven't been outside for a day or two. This year I'm going to make a conscious effort to get outside each day. To breath in the fresh air, and have a moment or two to take in nature. 

Have you set yourself any goals for 2022?

I'll be sure to update you on how mine are going as the year progresses!

Hello, Hi, Hey. 

It has been a while, at least it feels that way for me. But for me, it's a sunny Sunday morning, and I found myself thinking nothing would feel quite so satisfying as tapping out a good old fashion, chatty blog post. 

I know it's been a while since I've blogged, but rest assured, I have not abandoned ChloeHarriets.com - I was working on stuff behind the scenes, you know, the more boring SEO stuff (pro-tip for any new bloggers: don't wait until you're five years into to learn about SEO), and then I got busy. But today, I fancied showing my face on here and found myself wanting to write for the sake of writing.

If you follow me on Instagram (if you don't you should, you can find me here) you'll know, there have recently been some changes in my life, big and small. 

Firstly,  a couple of months back I started a new job. My career is something I have struggled with for years. I've been in minimum wage jobs that made me feel so anxious that panic attacks became pretty common for me, I've completed unpaid internships which gave me hope. And I'd been job searching for well over a year, attended endless interviews to hear time and time again I didn't have the experience needed, despite the effort I'd put into building experience when I couldn't find somebody to employ me. But finally, I got a job offer. It's a digital marketing assistant which started a few months ago - so far, I'm really enjoying it. It's challenging in places, but I believe I am more than capable of doing a good job and seeing career growth from here. And there are other aspects of the job I could do with my eyes closed. I get to write blog posts, edit videos, and images and work on social media campaigns - all things which I do for fun in my free time.

 I am feeling very happy and grateful. I feel like finally, my career is heading in the direction I've been attempting to steer it in for years. 

I still have other dreams, other goals which I'll be working towards. I'm currently completing a life coaching course, as it's something my intuition has just been telling me to do for a while, and having been told by several friends that is something I'd be good at, I've decided to get learning - on completing my course I'll offer some sessions at low rates, or possibly free of charge to get feedback and build confidence. 

I've also begun posting to Youtube again. I missed filming longer content. I like being able to chat to a camera and watch my life back, and short content like Reels and TikToks just wasn't cutting it for me anymore. I'm also trying to make my content as helpful as possible, filming sit down video where I share the thing which has to help me head towards are more mindful, fulfilling life.  

Beyond work, life lately has also been pretty good. My new job has eased worries and diminished a feeling of purposelessness that I'd been battling for a while. 

I have officially moved in with my boyfriend. After one lockdown apart, and one together, we decided we both prefer living together and it works well for both of us. We've done some decorating around the house, so you can expect some interior posts coming soon (if you have a small home, watch this space because I've learnt a thing or two along the way). There are more exciting house things coming, but I will reveal all at a later date. 

Lately, life has been busy in a good way. It's felt exciting like things are moving forward in the best possible, way and I can wait to share this journey with you.