Well, it's been a week for me. A week of reminders that mental health ebbs and flows. That as humans we are inconsistent. Moods are changing and situations are moving, although often at a different speed than we were hoping. We've got to trust the timing, although often it seems the clock is set wrong. 

I'm an anxious person. I think everyone has some level of anxiety. But there was a day this week when it felt like my entire being was made of anxiety. I didn't know how I was going to make it through that day. Not in a morbid way, in a way that everything felt so heightened I couldn't imagine being out of it, but here we are.

I cried. I threw up, twice. I breathed, in for the count of 4. I held it for the count of 4. and I breathed out for the count of 4. One, two three, four. I lay on the floor in the fetal position and noticed my body shaking. And eventually had a somewhat normal evening. My mind wasn't switched off, but I went about the motions. I sat in front of the TV while my fiancé cooked dinner. I wasn't watching the TV but it was on. I ate carbonara, but I don't think I tasted it. And then I slept. The next day I had what I could only describe as an anxiety hangover. My head was pounding. But I'd made it to the next day, and from then the week was on the up. 

I think that day, I had what people refer to as a breakdown. I'm not really sure how you classify something as a breakdown, but it felt like I had broken. I've had panic attacks before but this felt like more, it felt like I was stuck in a loop of panic attacks. But as my week went it felt more distant, and I remember what it was like to feel joy again. In fact, I even felt joy again.

I know this was triggered by a situational thing. A build-up of a situation which crescendoed. A situation which will hopefully change. And of course, I'm going to take action to not get to this point again. Make changes where they're needed. 

This was a personal one I know. I didn't have much of a plan for today's writing session. Beforehand I'd listened to The Ravens podcast, where, Tessa was a guest, and on this podcast about One Tree Hill they spoke about mental health, and the importance of sharing it - and so when I went to write, that's where I went with it. Is spoken about my mental health online before, but I've never gone into the details. Today it felt like the details mattered. That I'd experienced something which felt so intense writing about it might dilute it. Or at least comfort someone else. 

Bad days happen, but they don't define the other days, and even when we feel feeble I think we can find the power in us to make changes, at least that's what I'm attempting.