I find motivation a weird one. For me, it ebbs and flows. I can wake up some days I feel like I can take over the world, and other days I can barely pull myself out of bed. 

Recently, I’ve been particularly unmotivated and taken habit in abandoning crossing off my to-do list and trading it in for seeing how much Netflix I can watch. It’s only now, I realise why. I, almost completely, gave up on myself. 

My goals felt so far from reach, that I stopped trying, I avoided admitting this by writing a well-intentioned to-do list, knowing I’d only cross off pointless things I added to the list to keep some of the guilt at bay. Everything of substance was soon forgotten, as I spent my afternoon in bed. The work I need to put into achieve the things I want, does not have an immediate payoff. It can feel as though it's all for nothing.

Why did I let all my motivation casually wander out of my life? Because I was scared. Because it seemed so unlikely that I'd ever become the person that I want to be, so it was easier to be as far from the person as possible. 

Failing is scary, and not failing, is even more so, because then what? Success can be underwhelming after working so hard, what if it doesn't live up to what I want it to be?

The book Playing Big by Tara Mohr talks about two types of fears:

Pachad is the over-reactive irrational fear that stems from worries of what could happen, worst-case scenarios we imagine. 
The other type of fear it talks about is 

Yirah which has three different meanings: 1) It is the feeling that overcomes us when we inhabit a larger space than we're used to. 2) The feeling we experience when we suddenly come into possession of considerably more energy than we had before. 3) It is what we feel in the presence of the divine. 

It was only on reading this I realised, I've stopped believing in myself because I'm afraid of taking up more space, of the new energy which success will bring to me. The fear I've been running from, winning a game of hid and seek against by snuggling beneath my duvet at 2pm on a Thursday after, is a good thing. I should be greeting it with open arms. 

I didn’t blog last week, because I didn’t want to. The realisation that I'm simply scared, wasn't the kick up the bum I needed. I still didn't feel like taking physical action to make thing happen. So, instead, I’ve been reevaluating. Figuring out what I actually want, and how to work towards that.

I realised, what I always knew: 
I want to write. For myself, for magazines, books, fiction, non-fiction. I have a love affair with words, that I'm not ready to end yet.
I want to blog. This website is my space, and I want to take advantage of that, I want more people to read it, I want to take up more space, which is, of course, scary.
and I want to Youtube, because I enjoy the process of editing videos, creating something visual, and having candid chats with a camera. I'm intrigued by filmmaking even at its most basic levels. Again, here I want to take up more space, I want my time and effort to be of value to others, not just me. 

There are all things I've done for years, spent my free time working on things, for joy. That joy seemed to dissipate somewhere along the lines recently, I think because I became aware I wanted to take up more space in these areas, it felt I was asking too much by wanting to earn a living from my hobbies. They are things I do for joy, yet so many others who get paid to these this. My chill time is somebody else 9-5, so why the hell can't it be mine?

Rhetorical or not, I've got the answer to that question. I don't believe in myself when I should. If I don't no one else will. I got scared and stopped putting the work it. 

So here is me, waving goodbye, or saying hello to that fear, facing it head-on, and saying, I'm going keep at this and one day this will be my day job.

As I said pre-youtube break, I am going to vlogmas this year so it will be great if I feel like people are watching, you can find my channel here.

I'm going to promote my work more and putting my all into blogging again. 

Sometimes I'm going to be afraid, but fear can be fuel.

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