On writing...

It has been a while. 

I lost my way with writing, I lost my way with this blog.

I felt as though I'd run out of things to say. I couldn't find words that held value, every sentence felt like too much or too little.

Life got busy. My life changed, transformed, and morphed into something new. Before I knew it I had new routines. A new home to settle into. A relationship that did the job which writing used to do, clearing the dusty corners in my mind. Life felt lighter.

And then it got heavy. In love and living in a happy home. I struggled with anxiety and found my skin angry with eczema flare-ups (severe and covering 90% of my body) making day-to-day tough. Transforming little things feel like big things, and not in a nice way. With that my mind filled with fog, and my priority was navigating each day, with only the energy to binge Netflix shows in my pockets of spare time. 

Things have moved forward as they do. And the dust had cleared and now I have space to find words again. 

I've wanted to get back into blogging for the longest time. I just no longer knew how to do it. Ideas for blog posts stopped coming to me in the middle of the night. It wasn't until I was reading Jamie Varon's newsletter that I realised why.

She said "I want to outgrow past versions of myself so completely that trying to go back is painful. I don’t want to be who I was."

And it made me so painfully aware, I'd been trying to grow by going backwards. 

I was trying to make this website of mine what it used to be. Trying to mould words to sound like a past version of myself. But I'm not her anymore, and there's value in growth. Maybe eyeliner reviews don't spark joy like they used to. The purpose of my writing is not what it once was. I'm no longer trying and failing to create a career out of sharing things I love online. I'm writing to know myself more. Play with words again, build them into stories and wanderings which might provide clarity, provoke thought, or a moment of peace. For myself and maybe for whoever else decides to read.

Now I've learned things are fluid, and there might come a time I want to use this platform to share a really great lipstick, but for now, once a week, I'm going to sit down with my laptop and write what comes to me. I might not share everything, and sometimes there might not be a lot to share, but every week, the intent will be there, and I think that's enough.

I'm ready to write again, and I hope you'll come and read what I've got to say.

Typing feels exciting again, and that's really something.

And although the style might be slightly different, after typing away, I feel light, like I used to.