- Quit my job which made me unhappy.
- Went to personal training sessions 2-3 times a week throughout the summer, and enjoyed them. Became fitter than ever. Learned to challenge my body and mind.
- Read 23 books.
- Got back into driving lessons after having to stop due to illness.
- Completed a course on writing for the magazines, and received feedback which made me think 'maybe I can actually do this writing thing'.
- Sent endless pitches to magazines, and didn't give up, despite feeling disheartened by the rejections.
- Completed Vlogmas.
- Forced myself to go places, to socialise with my friends when I was terrified of fainting.
- Went on a beach holiday for the first time in years.
- Blogged to a regular schedule through the majority of the year.
- Went to a blogging event.
- Wrote 45000 words of my first book.
- Posted personal poetry to Instagram, allowing myself to be vulnerable online.
- Realised when being vulnerable online was affecting how I felt and knew it was time to stop sharing.
- Rebuilt some family relationships.
- Felt my saddest and got through it.
- Had a really nice day, despite being 'dumped' by the guy I was seeing.
- Improved some friendships.
- Booked my driving test.
- Became less anxious about sex.
- Didn't give up.
- Wore a bikini without thinking about how my body looked.
- Had some people I admire follow me on social media (hello Emma Gannon and Lucy Sheridan).
- Stop reckless spending.
- Didn't buy more lipsticks or eye palettes.


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Happy New Year!

Portugal

Fitness 

 Walking in the Woods

Bristol Food Tour

Reconnecting with family

 Shooting with Madi

I've spent many fun days taking blog photos with my friend Madi. It's so good to have a friend who really understands the blog thing and it's great to help each other out. These days have been both fun and productive, which is super rewarding. Alongside this, we went to a blog event together, and for the first time ever I felt like a 'real' blogger.

Museum visits, harbourside walks and coffee with Kelsey 

Quitting my job

Began creating Youtube videos again

Went to a teamaking workshop at the Bird & Blend Tea Company

 

Celebrated Christmas 

Seeing Ryleigh grow up

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 My friend recently asked me what books I've been reading, I had a complete mind blank, and couldn't tell her. However I have been jotting it down in my bullet journal each time finished a book, so I can tell you.  I thought all the bookworms out there might appreciate an overview of my 2018 reading.

So here is everything I've read (so far) during 2018:

Adult Fiction:

Reason to Stay Alive by Matt Haig
This inspiring book teaches you about mental health, whilst telling the writers story.
I talk about it more here
Star rating: ★★★★★

Self Help, Career and Spiritual Teachings:

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October has been a quiet month for me. I've not really done all that much, but I have found myself watching a little too much Netflix so this monthly round-up could be a tad TV-heavy.

What I've been up to:

- Watching too much: Somehow this has been the month I've realised I actually love binge watching new things, it's probably a sign I've had too much time on my hands. I have discovered some great Netflix series though (more details on what in the watching section of this post).

- Moving Bedrooms - My sister recently moved out, so now her old bedroom has had a spruce up, I've moved my things across the corridor, into the bigger bedroom. I've spent a lot of time organising my belonging, trying my make my new space feel like mine.

- Going for dinner with my friend Jess: My friend Jess and I have been for dinner a couple of times this month to try out new menus and catch up, so I've eaten a lot of yummy food and had many lovely, and hilarious chats.

- Taking myself for coffee: It's been nice to get out of the house and type away while sipping a delicious latte. I'm always more productive in a coffee shop, so taking myself out for coffee has been a nice way to break up my days and ensure I'm getting the work done.

- Writing. Because that's what I do.

- A Spontaneous Night Out: Dancing in a gay club with my friends, having only decided hours before that we were going turned out to be one of the best alcohol infused nights I've had in a while

- Pumpkin Carving: After complaining to my friend Matt about my lack of Halloween plans we decided to spend a Friday night carving pumpkins and drinking hot chocolates. I was over ambitious with my pumpkin design and decided to go for, so naturally, one of the bats looked like it had a broken wing - but I had a great time doing it, nonetheless.

Watching:

Riverdale: Oh, so Riverdale... I'm a little obsessed. I'm utterly confused about the genre, sometimes it is crime investigation, sometimes it's teen romance, sometimes it's supernatural and sometimes it's musical, however, this weird mash-up seems to work. As it has gone on, my opinion of Cheryl Blossom has changed and she is now my idol. Also, I think Jughead is kind of wonderful. I'll be honest, I think the new session may have gone a little too far down the supernatural route, but it's only on the second episode as I write this, so things could change.

A Typical: I love this Netflix series a lot. It's about the life of a teenage boy and his family. Sam the main character is on the autistic spectrum. They a normal family dynamic, each character with their own issues and story. It's just quite wholesome. It's funny at times and sad at other times and all it feels very real.

The Mind of Jake Paul: This series was great, unlike anything I'd ever watched on Youtube before. I know people have been complaining that it humanised Jake Paul too much... but he is a human, so why should be not be seen as one? Yeah, I get that he's messed up before and can be seen as problematic, but it was interesting to see another side to him, to find out more of what's made him, how he is. I just thought this was great tbh.

You Me Her: I have never heard of this Netflix series before I watched it, but honestly it's great. The series is based around a married couple who both fall in love with a college student. It explores sexuality, polyamorous relationships, societies expectations of relationships, family dynamics. It's just really interesting, a lot more happens in the series that you'd expect.

All I See is You: This film is starring Blake Lively tells the story of a blind woman who regains her vision and how that impacts her marriage. This film is very beautifully shot, and very thought-provoking, but also a little confusing at times.

The Kissing Booth: I rewatched this and remember how much I love this film. The is the story of how a kissing booth brings a relationship to life. It's just a feel-good teen rom-com.

Reading

Articles:
Dolly Alderton on Personality Types in The Sunday Times Style.
Dolly Alderton on Confronting the Man Who Ghosted Her in The Sunday Times Style
Sir Philip Green named in Parliament as businessman at centre of Britain's #MeToo scandal in The Telegraph
Vera Papisova on Why Breaking Up and Being SIngle is Actually the Best in Teen Vogue


Books:
Playing Big by Tara Mohr
The Start of Me and You by Emery Lord
Feminist Don't Wear Pink and Other Lies by Scarlett Curtis

Blogs:
Carly Rowena on Body Positivity
The Anna Edit: My Top Reads of 2018 so far
What Olivia Did: 5 Skincare Favourites

Listening:

Podcasts
Feminist Don't Wear Pink with Helen Fielding
On the Line with Eileen Kelly on Embracing Your Sexuality
Don't Panic on How to Host a Halloween Party


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Being the huge introvert that I am, when we were kids, and my brother and sister used to go out riding their bikes with their friend, I used to stay in, reading Harry Potter, watching Lion King 2, and collecting bugs in the garden. I wasn't a particularly active kid. While I was in Primary school I'd get out the car when mum dropped me off and run around the corner to the school entrance. I don't know why I always felt the desire to leg-it, but I did, every day. One day my brother laughed and told me I run like a chicken. I was then too self-conscious to run.



In secondary school, I used to dread PE at school. I was never good at it, and I didn't feel encouraged to improve. As narcissistic as this might be, it felt like a lesson with the sole purpose of embarrassing me. Give others the opportunity to point out where I struggled. It also seemed that it came naturally to all of the 'cool' girls, it was torture enough getting changed in front of other girls in midst of puberty, to then have to endure a game of netball where nobody wanted to you on their team. I hated exercise.

I was born premature, which affected my flexibility, muscles and balance, so exercise never was going to come naturally to me, and the endorphins which it brings never would outweigh the hurt I'd feel (probably, imagined) laughter of the other girls. No matter the effort I put into PE lessons, I wasn't good at it, and being reminded of that over and over every week was humiliating. At my school, if you enjoyed PE lessons, you fell into one of two categories, you were either one of the 'popular' girls, or you were sporty, I didn't fit either description in the slightest and I felt out of my depth running around that field.

This false perception of working out meant  I rarely exercised as a teen, despite the anxiety-inducing PE lessons which unlike a lot of my friends I actually went to, because heck I'm not a troublemaker.


When I reached Uni, I got my first (and only), real boyfriend; he was fit, as in fit and healthy. I survived the first team of Fresher pretty much on cheese toasties and alcohol. I hated how my body looked and I became so aware of how unfit I was. I visited home and everyone, correctly told me how much weight I put on. Of course, it took a lot of crying and until my final year of uni for me to do anything about it. Then I began eating better and dabbled in a bit of running.


The first time I went, I asked my boyfriend to take for me a run, I lasted all of about 5 seconds. I could still see our house when I stopped, panting. I wanted to go back, of course, Benji wouldn't let me, but it ended up being a pretty short run because I was so unfit and could not control my breathing. But eventually, I built some momentum with it. I started going running with my housemate most evenings, and then we'd do a 'sit up challenge' which we of course completely made up. It was the only time I'd exercised and didn't hate it. I began to realise my I have a terrible relationship with exercise, which has come from the secondary school hierarchy which was often reflected hockey games, and PE teachers who chose to shout at me, rather than help me and a belief that I couldn't do it.

Since leaving Uni, sometimes I've run a little, sometimes I haven't bothered. I never felt good enough at exercise to do anything else.

A few months back, my sister told me she was signing up with a personal trainer, who also happens to be our cousin, so I decided to do the same, thinking it would be nice to feel fitter.

That was at the start of Summer, and now for the first time I ever, I feel my relationship with exercise is a positive one. I work out on a regular basis. In my first few personal training session, I dreaded burpee's, I just couldn't do them, my form was terrible, I'd fall all over the place, and be exhausted as just half-assing one of them, in my last session, I was doing them one-legged, barely giving it a second thought.



Lauren, my trainer, has now moved away, but in the time I worked with her, I managed to rewire my brain, change how I think of exercise, not only so it became a part of my routine, but also something I look forward to. I find myself daydreaming about that hour, in the woods when I'd need to focus on my body and nothing more.

Yesterday I took myself out for a run, I found myself smiling, as I thought to all the 'mean girls' that used to laugh at me during those PE lessons. It hit me how far I've come and how I made the effort to develop my negative relationship with exercise to something positive, working out has become a part of my life which I actually enjoy.

This year my relationship with exercise has come a long way, and bloody hell I feel good for it.

As you can see, I took these pictures on the windiest day!

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As we are halfway through 2018 (how?!) I thought I'd look through my New Years Goals and see how/if they're coming along. I think we can all agree this year is flying by, so it time to regain some focus on my goals before we're counting down to 2019. 

Let's talk about where I am with those goals I blogged about 6 months ago...

1) Write the book

2) Save and make more money than last year

3) Be the planner, organise things

4) Take better care of my body 

5) Visit more places

6) Take steps towards buying a house

7) Gain some success and direction in my career

This is always a funny one. I feel I am taking steps they are just small ones. I've interviewed for jobs which I didn't get. But still, I turned up. Although I'm not earning from the blog, I'm beginning to feel less invisible in the blogging world, a step which needed to come first. I've noticed the comments on my blog become more thoughtful. I've gained a few follows from people I think are really valuable to the industry (I mean, hello Lucy Sheridan on Instagram and Emma Gannon on Twitter!). 

New Day Knitwear has been changed to something more personal for the founder Stacie Clark Knit, I had some coaching with Laura Jane Williams, decided to start sharing my poetry, and now Stacie has begun Crocheting my words, to be displayed in an exhibition! (more about that here)

My blog was mentioned on a Jessica Jade Beauty blog post. So all in all, I'm feeling a little more visible and that's seems the start of something big. I'm also planning on spending my day applying for the most perfect job, so I'm crossing my fingers and all of my other limbs. 

With my career is feels like I've moved nowhere and everywhere at the same time. Although currently working the same job I've always worked, things are falling into place, and more than ever I believe myself when I say it's not my forever job, and the career I've been in search of for all these years in heading my way. 

8) Take Youtube more seriously

This is a funny one if anything I've done the opposite because honestly, Youtube hasn't felt like a priority. I'm at a stage where I'd rather my time went into my writing. Although I still love creating videos, and will still do it whenever I feel I have something to share with my audience, I want my focus to be on building this blog, improving my writing and finishing my book. I am however trying to make the videos I am creating the best possible quality and I think this is something which is showing. 

9) Don't accept less than wonderful

Without a doubt, I've got better at this. I don't settle so much. I put my energy into making the things I already have wonderful and I don't let people walk all over me like I used to. Having said that, I'm still not perfect at this occasion I pick heart over head and make time for someone who is flaky, I'm learning when to draw the line through which is the important part. 2018 so far, I've felt pretty contented which I think is both because of this goal and making this goal more sustainable. When I'm happy, the wonderful things come my way, and therefore I don't have the time for the things which aren't. I have the self-respect now, to drop the people who are crap to me, without making exceptions. 

If you want to see the ins and outs of both my 2017 and 2018 bullet journals, I've made a full video about them which you can watch below (or on my youtube channel)

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