This is a bit of a strange one to write, as it's somewhat personal, however as I was about to get out my notebook to jot down these thoughts, as even if it weren't on my blog I would record what's running through my mind at the moment anyway as that's how I tend to deal with my emotions, by writing about them - however I realised somebody might be able to relate, so I decided it was worth a blog post.

So I am 24 and I have been single for quite a while now, which isn't really something which bothers me, I like to be independent and to spend my time concentrating on myself - some may say I'm selfish (but at least I can admit it, eh?)

However, this hasn't always been the case. When I was growing up I was quite needy. I almost constantly found myself having crushes, and fancying people. I'm not going to lie, I used to get a bit obsessive about them and convince myself I was in love (I'm surely not the only one who's done that?) - Clearly, none of these crushes worked out as at the time I would have endlessly imagined.

I always thought having a crush is something I would grow out of as I grew up. I guess I also assumed I'd be in a stable long term relationship as I entered adult life (Have to admit I still find myself laughing a bit each time I refer to myself as an adult!) - so by now I would have thought crushes would be a thing of distant history, yet I did also think I'd be engaged living in the house I bought with my handsome financé  discussing the perfect time to start trying for our first born (there are also a lot of cats, dogs and a large garden in the image), so you might just say I am naive, and grew up to be somewhat romantic - however I do like to think that's changed. I currently think being alone has been really healthy for me, and my self-awareness and independence have grown in a way they wouldn't if I were reliant on a partner.

Yet, still, I find myself now with a bit of a reoccurring crush. I feel stupid to even admit it. It's not something I've really discussed with my friends, however, I'm sure a few of them would be able to guess who it on without even thinking twice.

Dealing with romantic feelings towards another is a lot harder as an adult because you're much more self-aware, and relationships are a lot more real than they were when you were 15. That means disappointment strikes a lot harder when the person you're crushing on isn't feeling the same, or they're in a place where nothing can come of it. And then also there is the big question of what do I want from this?

As I said this is a reoccurring crush, I have definitely felt for this person before, and I think he may have felt for me before, yet still I have been let down before, but all for reasoning I understand. The person has always been very upfront with me, and I have always respected him, but that still does not cancel out that harsh disappointment I have felt (more than once) when in this situation previously.

It's a bit of a strange one because it's something I feel like I know very well, and hardly at all, which is pretty ridiculous, I know. However I've not exactly hung out with this person this much, yet I feel somewhat of a connection with him, and things feel unfinished which is why I think I keep finding myself in the same spot of feeling for him.

But what do you do about your crush at 24 years old? It still consumes your mind as much as your 14-year-old crushes do, yet you have more understanding of the little importance of a crush (most of the people I've felt for before now, never cross my mind anymore). I'm pretty sure I will never be in a relationship with this person (although at one point, not long after meeting him, I was convinced the opposite), so what to do? What can I do? I can only to some extent control my emotions, and to some extent, it is nice to have a crush - for a minute or so, then it sucks.

It's very frustrating wanting to constantly speak to someone, who may not want to speak back, and knowing where you stand, but still wanting to ask, just in case.

I'm setting myself up for the disappointment of something I'm not sure that I want.

What do you do when you find yourself having a crush? I almost forgot how consuming they are!
I know in the scheme of things, it really doesn't matter who I'm fancying right now, but still, it's playing on my mind.

Sorry, this post is a bit all over the place, it was just some thoughts I needed to get off my mind.

Am I the only adult with a crush?