Well, it's been a week for me. A week of reminders that mental health ebbs and flows. That as humans we are inconsistent. Moods are changing and situations are moving, although often at a different speed than we were hoping. We've got to trust the timing, although often it seems the clock is set wrong. 

I'm an anxious person. I think everyone has some level of anxiety. But there was a day this week when it felt like my entire being was made of anxiety. I didn't know how I was going to make it through that day. Not in a morbid way, in a way that everything felt so heightened I couldn't imagine being out of it, but here we are.

I cried. I threw up, twice. I breathed, in for the count of 4. I held it for the count of 4. and I breathed out for the count of 4. One, two three, four. I lay on the floor in the fetal position and noticed my body shaking. And eventually had a somewhat normal evening. My mind wasn't switched off, but I went about the motions. I sat in front of the TV while my fiancé cooked dinner. I wasn't watching the TV but it was on. I ate carbonara, but I don't think I tasted it. And then I slept. The next day I had what I could only describe as an anxiety hangover. My head was pounding. But I'd made it to the next day, and from then the week was on the up. 

I think that day, I had what people refer to as a breakdown. I'm not really sure how you classify something as a breakdown, but it felt like I had broken. I've had panic attacks before but this felt like more, it felt like I was stuck in a loop of panic attacks. But as my week went it felt more distant, and I remember what it was like to feel joy again. In fact, I even felt joy again.

I know this was triggered by a situational thing. A build-up of a situation which crescendoed. A situation which will hopefully change. And of course, I'm going to take action to not get to this point again. Make changes where they're needed. 

This was a personal one I know. I didn't have much of a plan for today's writing session. Beforehand I'd listened to The Ravens podcast, where, Tessa was a guest, and on this podcast about One Tree Hill they spoke about mental health, and the importance of sharing it - and so when I went to write, that's where I went with it. Is spoken about my mental health online before, but I've never gone into the details. Today it felt like the details mattered. That I'd experienced something which felt so intense writing about it might dilute it. Or at least comfort someone else. 

Bad days happen, but they don't define the other days, and even when we feel feeble I think we can find the power in us to make changes, at least that's what I'm attempting.

It was only a week ago I wrote my last post, but it feels like a lot has changed. Like somehow the earth has shifted on its axis and the world has hit the reset button. I feel in a different place.

One of my goals for this year was to look after myself properly. By that I mean to invest in looking after myself. I'm fortunate enough, that if I budget correctly I am able to afford to do that. This new year's intention has changed everything.

Almost two weeks ago I started taking action on this goal. I finally saw a private dermatologist about my eczema. I've had eczema forever. But over the past few years, it's been bad. Like everything it goes through phases, it follows the pattern of my stress, and I find myself stuck in a vicious cycle, a catch-22. Stress is the cause, and what it causes. The NHS are great, don't get me wrong, but with this, they haven't provided the help I've needed to live the life I want. I won't go into how difficult living with eczema has been, I'll save that for another day. But when it's severe and covers 90% of your body, living in that body does not feel like a pleasant place to live.

So I did some googling. I rang a dermatologist and on the same day I found myself in their offices (offices... is that what they're called? Surgery maybe?)

I won't go into my treatment plan, you don't need to know that. But I will say, my life feels like it's changed. Changed in a way that no level of mindfulness would have achieved.

You see, I am a self-confessed, obsessed self-care junkie. The more cringe and cliché and more into it I am. Often I've fooled myself into thinking my mindset would change everything. It was my mindset that got me through the bad days, but I should just be dragging myself through the days, by clinging to the hope of words of affirmation, when my skin feels on fire. Life is for living after all. 

This one change made me realise I'd been doing it wrong. The self-care thing that is. Where I thought I was an expert, I was actually quite naive and narrow-minded. I'd bought into an idea of self-care that was sold to me through aesthetically pleasing Instagram feeds. Now don't get me wrong, there's a place for all of that. But I'd made the mistake of thinking that's where it started. It's not. The pretty stuff... that's sprinkles on the self-care cupcake. It's sure as hell, not the cake itself.

There needs to be a solid foundation on which you build upon

When my skin was so itchy, that I was up all night, my 10-minute morning meditation might have offered a small distraction, but it was also spent thinking about how I was itchy and tired and my skin hurt. And now I'm in a better place, I can feel the impacts of my mindfulness. 

You can't work backwards. You've got to start from the bottom. Address the problem. Face the big things. And then add the other stuff in. 

In all my years journalling, doing yoga, and picking up daily habits to become the person I aspire to be, I've noticed small shifts, and I always say if it makes you feel good, it makes you feel good it's as simple as that. But I've never felt such a difference, huge a big transformation in my energy, emotion and brain space as I have from putting my hand in my pocket and paying the money to actually see changes to the one thing that has truly made my days difficult.

And I know it won't always necessarily be like this. I know situations, circumstances, and moods change. But I will never take for granted the ease of having clear skin. 

Let this be your reminder, self-care isn't the pretty stuff. The pretty stuff, matters. The lifestyle sprinkle. But you've got to start with life. 

It has been a while. 

I lost my way with writing, I lost my way with this blog.

I felt as though I'd run out of things to say. I couldn't find words that held value, every sentence felt like too much or too little.

Life got busy. My life changed, transformed, and morphed into something new. Before I knew it I had new routines. A new home to settle into. A relationship that did the job which writing used to do, clearing the dusty corners in my mind. Life felt lighter.

And then it got heavy. In love and living in a happy home. I struggled with anxiety and found my skin angry with eczema flare-ups (severe and covering 90% of my body) making day-to-day tough. Transforming little things feel like big things, and not in a nice way. With that my mind filled with fog, and my priority was navigating each day, with only the energy to binge Netflix shows in my pockets of spare time. 

Things have moved forward as they do. And the dust had cleared and now I have space to find words again. 

I've wanted to get back into blogging for the longest time. I just no longer knew how to do it. Ideas for blog posts stopped coming to me in the middle of the night. It wasn't until I was reading Jamie Varon's newsletter that I realised why.

She said "I want to outgrow past versions of myself so completely that trying to go back is painful. I don’t want to be who I was."

And it made me so painfully aware, I'd been trying to grow by going backwards. 

I was trying to make this website of mine what it used to be. Trying to mould words to sound like a past version of myself. But I'm not her anymore, and there's value in growth. Maybe eyeliner reviews don't spark joy like they used to. The purpose of my writing is not what it once was. I'm no longer trying and failing to create a career out of sharing things I love online. I'm writing to know myself more. Play with words again, build them into stories and wanderings which might provide clarity, provoke thought, or a moment of peace. For myself and maybe for whoever else decides to read.

Now I've learned things are fluid, and there might come a time I want to use this platform to share a really great lipstick, but for now, once a week, I'm going to sit down with my laptop and write what comes to me. I might not share everything, and sometimes there might not be a lot to share, but every week, the intent will be there, and I think that's enough.

I'm ready to write again, and I hope you'll come and read what I've got to say.

Typing feels exciting again, and that's really something.

And although the style might be slightly different, after typing away, I feel light, like I used to.

Are you ready for it?!

Creativity.

And it's got me excited to feel craft-y again.

Have you set a word for the year?!

Hello, happy new year. 2022 feels good, doesn't it? 

As I do around this time every year, I've been thinking about the person I am, the person I want to be, the things I want to achieve and the kind of life I would like to lead and use this information to set my intentions and goals for the year to come (my blog post on my word of intention for the year is coming soon too, promise).

I know some people don't like thhe practice of create new year goals and resolutions, but I personally find them refreshing and exciting. They add a little extra flavour to the hope I find within a new year beginning.

So without further ado - here are my goals for 2022...

Feel like a writer again - and a blogger for that matter.

I used to feel like a writer. I used to shae poetry on my Instagram despite cringing whilst pressing post. I've written an entire finished draft of a novel, which is simply sitting on the laptop I'm typing on right now, just waiting around for me to make some edits. I used to write for the sake of writing. For how it made me feel. 

My life had transformed a lot over the past few years. It's become happier, one I'd wished for, but with that my constant desire to write somewhat faded. It wasn't that I no longer enjoyed it, more that I no longer need to feel the release it provides. I no longer feel so lost that words on the page are the only way I can find myself. But still, I miss writing. I miss the places it takes and the peace it brings me. I miss the thrill of the words just coming to me. The high of feeling like I've explained myself in a way I couldn't out loud. I stopped writing because I didn't feel so sad, so lost that I needed it. But now I'm happy and in the place I want to be and maybe it's worth writing about that too. My happiness is worth writing down, recording on paper.

I miss talking about my blog with pride. I miss showing up, sharing with my tiny part of the internet every week. In 2022, I will find the writer and the blogger within me again. 

A long time ago I wrote this blog post. Deep down I'm still that girl who dreams of being a writer. So I'd better get writing again.

Have more fun with fashion.

Complete 5 paintings

Make 5 pieces of clothing that I actually wear.

Actually, start my search for a literary agent and publisher

Go outside every day

This is such a simple thing, that makes all the difference to my mental health. I'm working from home at the moment, and sometimes before I realise it I haven't been outside for a day or two. This year I'm going to make a conscious effort to get outside each day. To breath in the fresh air, and have a moment or two to take in nature. 

Have you set yourself any goals for 2022?

I'll be sure to update you on how mine are going as the year progresses!

Hello, Hi, Hey. 

It has been a while, at least it feels that way for me. But for me, it's a sunny Sunday morning, and I found myself thinking nothing would feel quite so satisfying as tapping out a good old fashion, chatty blog post. 

I know it's been a while since I've blogged, but rest assured, I have not abandoned ChloeHarriets.com - I was working on stuff behind the scenes, you know, the more boring SEO stuff (pro-tip for any new bloggers: don't wait until you're five years into to learn about SEO), and then I got busy. But today, I fancied showing my face on here and found myself wanting to write for the sake of writing.

If you follow me on Instagram (if you don't you should, you can find me here) you'll know, there have recently been some changes in my life, big and small. 

Firstly,  a couple of months back I started a new job. My career is something I have struggled with for years. I've been in minimum wage jobs that made me feel so anxious that panic attacks became pretty common for me, I've completed unpaid internships which gave me hope. And I'd been job searching for well over a year, attended endless interviews to hear time and time again I didn't have the experience needed, despite the effort I'd put into building experience when I couldn't find somebody to employ me. But finally, I got a job offer. It's a digital marketing assistant which started a few months ago - so far, I'm really enjoying it. It's challenging in places, but I believe I am more than capable of doing a good job and seeing career growth from here. And there are other aspects of the job I could do with my eyes closed. I get to write blog posts, edit videos, and images and work on social media campaigns - all things which I do for fun in my free time.

 I am feeling very happy and grateful. I feel like finally, my career is heading in the direction I've been attempting to steer it in for years. 

I still have other dreams, other goals which I'll be working towards. I'm currently completing a life coaching course, as it's something my intuition has just been telling me to do for a while, and having been told by several friends that is something I'd be good at, I've decided to get learning - on completing my course I'll offer some sessions at low rates, or possibly free of charge to get feedback and build confidence. 

I've also begun posting to Youtube again. I missed filming longer content. I like being able to chat to a camera and watch my life back, and short content like Reels and TikToks just wasn't cutting it for me anymore. I'm also trying to make my content as helpful as possible, filming sit down video where I share the thing which has to help me head towards are more mindful, fulfilling life.  

Beyond work, life lately has also been pretty good. My new job has eased worries and diminished a feeling of purposelessness that I'd been battling for a while. 

I have officially moved in with my boyfriend. After one lockdown apart, and one together, we decided we both prefer living together and it works well for both of us. We've done some decorating around the house, so you can expect some interior posts coming soon (if you have a small home, watch this space because I've learnt a thing or two along the way). There are more exciting house things coming, but I will reveal all at a later date. 

Lately, life has been busy in a good way. It's felt exciting like things are moving forward in the best possible, way and I can wait to share this journey with you.

5 Activities to Inspire Creativity.

1) Painting:

3) Crochet:

4) Photography:

5) Write:

What's your favourite creative hobby? Let me know if any of these take your fancy.

In this blog post I wanted to share my review and thoughts on the Yoga with Adriene 30 Day Breath Journey which I completed during January 2021.

Simple steps I took to improve my wellbeing:

Getting ready

Lockdown has made me realise two things: Number one, I feel better when I get ready. Number two, getting ready doesn't have to mean a full face of make up and uncomfortable clothes. Sometimes just not wearing what you slept in is enough to get you feeling good, and sometimes a smudge of red lipstick makes you feel like you can take over the world. As I'm not going many places recently (hello lockdown) I've got myself two pairs of slippers, onw for in the day around the house, a cat pair which I think look pretty fancy, and a pair of fluffy boots for when I'm cosying up in my pjs - a pair for day and a pair for evening - I'm surprised how much a different pair is slippers is making me feel less like a slob. Spending a little time in the morning getting ready help me feel in a routine and signals to my brain it's time for the day to start, and reminds me, even if I'm not going anywhere my purpose exists beyond watching Netflix in my jammies.

Asking for help when I want it

I don't mean the big deal help here... not going to a therapist when you're hitting rock bottom (although if you think you might need a therapist, you probably do, and you should look into it...) but the small help. I very easily get overwhelm. For example if I'm cooking dinner as there's too many dishes around, it stresses me out, rather than continue to be stressed about dishes, and desperately searching for the kitchen space I need, I'm simply asking my boyfriend to help clear them up. Hanging the washing is a task I hate but rather than dread it every time, I can ask for a hand and get it done in half the time. It took starting to ask for help with the small things, to make me realise I can ask for help and realise that the majority of time, I only surround myself with people willing to help me. 

Daily meditation

Daily yoga

Fresh air, spending time in nature.

Keep track of finances 

Make small steps everyday

Taking vitamins 

Listening to the good stuff

Making time for loved ones

Close tabs

Keep things tidy

My environment really impacts how I feel, so the month I have been making extra effort to keep on top of the cleaning and tidying ensuring my home is a nice place to be. 10 minutes before bed to make sure everything is in order downstairs, cleaning up as I go when I cook and Sunday bedding changes make all the difference.

Outfit Details: 

*Affiliate links are used in this blog post

If you're anything like me, you'll love plugging in your headphones and losing yourself in a good podcast. I've previously shared the podcasts some of my favourite podcasts in this blog post and this blog post. Recently I've found some new ones I'm loving and I have rediscovered some old favourites so I thought it was time for an updated podcast recommendation post. 

So without further ado, here are my current favourite podcasts:

Good Influence with Gemma Styles:

Charge my Core with Susie Bell: 

The Ravens:

At Home with Lily and Anna

Practical Positivity

Soul Sugar

Total Betty Media

A few years ago, I noticed on Instagram, that when a new year came rolling around, some people choose a word for the year. I liked this idea, I mean, I like words and new year promises, so why wouldn't I? Yet several years passed and I did not choose my word - simply because I could not think of one worthy. I couldn't narrow down my hopes for an entire year into one word. 

2020 came to an end, and more than ever I noticed the Instagram posts where people shared their chosen word for the coming year. Words like alignment, growth, trust, health were thrown around. They all sounded great, but none of them felt like the one for me. They didn't quite align with what I was in search of, what I wanted my focus to be over 2021. I began to think maybe it was time to admit defeat, another wordless year as no word felt fitting.

And then as warm water fell on me in the shower one day, a word came to me. I wasn't trying to think of the word at the time, yet there it was, as clear as day. Control.

Why control?

I've become one of those people who things just kind of happened to and don't happen for. It has been a long time since I felt like I've taken control, but in 2021, I'm determined to change that.

I'm not naturally someone who takes control. I'm quite happy to let my friend pick where we're going for dinner (you know, back when we could do that), and my boyfriend can decide what we watch in the evenings (until it's football, and then I spend my evening reading in a different room). Usually, I don't take control, because I don't mind the outcome. But it seems my behaviour has leaked through to areas where the outcome matters to me. Sure, I don't mind whether we eat Italian or Mexican food, but I do mind how I'm spending my life day in, day out. Choosing (or not choosing) where we go for dinner should not feel the same as choosing (or not choosing) how I want to make a living. 

I think control is a great word for me because I see two different sides to that coin. Having control can be a good thing, and letting go of control can be a good thing. I feel for years I've held my control in all the wrong places. I'm ambitious when it comes to my career, yet I don't really have one, that's an area where I need to take more control. On the flip side, I've had panic attacks in shops before, because there were too many people and I didn't know my way around - the lack of control overwhelmed me. That's an area where I shouldn't desire that sense of control to the point that I go into panic without it.

I was listening to a podcast recently, and one of the hosts said something along the lines of "there are many things around you that you can't control but the one thing that you always have control over is yourself, you actions and your mindset" and that stuck with me. Accepting I can't control outer factors, but can always control myself gives me hope. It makes me want to take action, rather than accept defeat. 

I'm a big believer in manifestation and the law of attraction. I was listening to an audiobook on it recently and it spoke about both taking inspired actions and surrendering your wishes to the universe. Having faith. I like this idea that there's both a push and pull of energy. Places where control needs to taken and places where that control needs to be surrendered. 

You can control actions but not the outcomes. 

During 2021 some ways I will take control include:

- Meditating on a regular basis - it's good for my mindset, and while I can't control my anxiety, I can control how I manage it.

- Doing the things I'm curious about - following my intuition.

- By not giving up on myself. 

- Putting my time into making my book the best it can be to up my chances of finding a publisher

- I can control how I spend my time. Less scrolling, more reading, more moving, less lounging, etc 

- What I'm putting into my body. I want to eat food which fuels me and leaves me feeling healthy.

- The media I consume. 

- The actions I take. 

- What I'm spending my money on. 

Things I can't control, and how I can reframing negative thoughts:

- Job rejections - rejection is just redirection.

- Political and world news. I can control how much of that media I consume, and what I share myself.

- What other people think of me - and at this point, I don't think I care. 

- What the universe has in store for me.

- Other people.

Outfit Details

Coat: M&S  - Dress (worn under jumper): Mint Velvet (similar linked) - Jumper: ASOS (similar linked) - Bag: Coach (similar linked) - Headband: Chloe Harriets Creates (my Etsy store)

As I have done the last couple of years (see my 2018 reads here and 2019 reads here) I wanted to begin the year by sharing a little about every book that I read last year, along with my ratings and links to any more in-depth reviews and thoughts.

So without further ado, here's the lowdown on every book I read in 2020...

An Edited Life by Anna Newton 

I loved this guide on home, work and life organisation. I found the tips to be useful and Anna's tone to be relatable. I talk about it more here.

★★★★☆

Good Morning, Good Life by Amy Schmittauer Landino 

I listened to the audiobook of this guide on how to make the most of out of your mornings. I found it had some great tips and made me want to spring out of bed in the mornings - however a lot of the tips and content you could get from the author's Youtube Channel.

★★★☆☆

The Best of Me by Nicolas Sparks 

Atomic Habits by James Clear

Nothing More by Anna Todd

The Course of Love Alain De Botton

Wild by Cheryl Strayed

My Life in Thirty-Seven Therapies by Kay Hutchinson (*gifted)

In this memoir, the author talks about how she turned to alternative therapies - from yoga to tarot card reading and so much more. I found this lighthearted read really enjoyable. You can read my full review here. 

★★★☆☆

The Kissing Booth by Beth Reekles 

The Kissing Booth Going the Distance by Beth Reekles 

Five Feet Apart by Rachael Lippincott 

We of the Forsaken World... by Kiran Bhat (*gifted) 

We of the forsaken world tells several stories about the different facets of humanity and environmental impacts. The stories range from the tales of a remote tribe, a town destroyed by an industrial spill and more. It's not my usual style read, but I found this book to be interesting and thought-provoking. I talk about this more here.

★★★☆☆

Find Me by André Aciman 

The Map From Here to There by Emery Lord 

The Map From Here to There is the second instalment after The Start of Me and You. This young adult novel follows Paige, her boyfriend and their group of friends as they face many decisions about the future (colleges etc), juggling school, work and social life, alongside living with mental health struggles. It was an enjoyable read, however, I didn't feel I could relate to the characters as a woman in her late twenties.  I talk about this more here.

★★★☆☆

Why I Am No Longer Talking to White People About Race by Reni Eddo-Lodge

A Monster Calls by Patrick Ness

She Means Business by Carrie Green

Harry Potter & the Philosopher's Stones by JK Rowling

My Lovely Wife by Samantha Downing 

Stargirl by Jerry Spinelli

Harry Potter & The Chamber of Secrets by JK Rowling

Harry Potter & The Prisoner of Azkaban by JK Rowling

Get Rich Lucky Bitch by Denise Duffield-Thomas

The Potion Diaries by Amy Alward

Lucky Bitch by Denise Duffield-Thomas

The Love Square by Laura Jane Williams

The Places I've Cried in Public by Holly Bourne 

No Turning Back by Tracy Buchanan

Love, Stargirl by Jerry Spinelli

Good Vibes, Good Life by Vex King

The Midnight Library by Matt Haig

Daisy Jones & The Six by Taylor Jenkins Reid

Outer Order, Inner Calm by Gretchen Ruben

Feminist Don't Wear Pink & Other Lies by Scarlett Curtis

Super Attractor by Gabrielle Bernstein