I am going to attempt to type out some thoughts which I can't make the head of tail of - so if this post makes no sense to you, you are not the only one. And if it does, I'm impressed, and hope I manage to make sense of these thoughts too.

I often get branded the crazy girl. I guess I get lost in my own head a lot, and I'm not going to lie - sometimes maybe I come across crazy. Maybe I get drunk (not in an alcoholic drinking myself on the street corner way, in vodka shots on a night out with friends kind of way) and text a little too much, or I'm too open about my feelings too early on - and that's what makes someone crazy, right?


But we obsess over lots of things, let's be honest. I obsess over anything from Harry Styles to Harry Potter. But nobody is ever like fuck that girl is crazy, she really likes Harry Styles - they might politely disagree and say his hair is stupid (which it's not, by the way), but that disagreement usually comes as an insult to what I'm obsessing over, rather than my obsession. There are many things I obsess over - but they don't make me crazy, they make me human. Everyone has their things.

However, when we seem to really like a person, the person in question often thinks we're crazy for liking them. Which, personally I think is utterly bizarre. It may be a little irritating when somebody wants to speak to you - but take the compliment, baby.

But I'm not crazy for reading Harry Potter over and over again, I am however bloody bonkers for texting a boy that I fancy too much. I just don't understand this notion.

When we are attracted to a person, we do obsess over them, it weird, I agree, but humans are weird, and it's human nature to think a little too fondly of somebody who you really wanna kiss. It's normal to see them in a somewhat unnatural light because your idea of them is tainted by your attraction toward them.

What I wonder, is why does that make me less attractive? Why does somebody like me less because they're aware I like them? I'm sure to an extent, this is human nature too, but I just think it's a little fucked up. I don't want feeling curiosity about someone to leave me counting kissing on a text, or feeling like I should hold back. I've always felt curiosity is something I should follow - but what about when I'm curious about another person? Because it is socially unacceptable to try too hard. And, yes, I think it's always crystal clear when someone doesn't feel the same and it's time to put down the phone. However, different people bring different things to your life. So, sometimes, you might just be about figuring out where to place a person and your emotions towards them. That initial confusion, of course, leads us to curiosity.

I feel as though I am not the only one to look through my drunken night out text from the night before and really cringe, usually about how forward I've been. I probably then feel anxious about seeing that person until the next time I do see them because I'm aware, there is a likelihood they think I'm crazy, and there is also a chance if, they are a really rubbish person, they've laughed about what I've said with their friends, and I am so aware that is not the person I want in my life. Yet it's always a worry because you never know with that situation before it's too late, and of course, if somebody wants to portray you as crazy, no matter who you are, it's not that difficult to do.

 But seriously, if someone drunkenly texts you, just clear the air the next day, because if you did just think, fuck they had too much to drink last night, oh well as they just wanted to chat or whatever - which I have always thought when I've received a drunken message, the text sender is probably feeling very anxious about how poorly you must think of them, for simply not holding back when they wanted to talk to you. And then, text sender is in a lose-lose situation, because you're always concerned they think you're crazy, and you're so anxious about it, it's playing on your mind so much that you're thinking fuck maybe I'm crazy, and you're too concerned with being 'crazy' to clear the air yourself - but as I said there is nothing crazy about being attracted to a person.

I think I misconception behind drunken messages is in the weight behind them. Just to confirm, no my drunk texts, do not mean I spend my evenings making a scrapbook of our future wedding or choosing names for our children - it simply means, in that vodka fueled moment, I would quite like attention, and preferably yours. It does not mean I have a shrine of you in my bedroom, or I've begun telling people you're my boyfriends, it just that maybe, I fancied a drunk snog, or possibly I feel like chatting shit to you whilst eating some cheesy chips. Also, that who drunken mind, sober heart saying, is indeed bullshit.

Another thing, which I think may factor into the crazy vibe, is funnily enough - that I'm female. Yes, that. I have received a drunken text from guys, and the next just have been like don't worry about it - however, I might drunken text someone, who has previously done this to me and have woken up with a fuck I'm crazy paranoia, which to confirm - I'm not. Why do I feel assured they're not crazy, but question myself? I've never got the impression that the men who have drunkenly text me have felt ashamed or embarrassed about their behaviour - yet, I show the same behaviour and it feels completely unacceptable the next morning. And it's a bloody two-way street when they've done it to me, yet I am red with embarrassment thinking about it and I'm the only one who is.

And now let's get to self-respect and desperation. I am going to keep this points short because although I want to touch on this, it is not something I feel a strong desire to shove down your throats. Just because someone may perceive me as crazy, that does not mean I am desperate or lack self-respect. What somebody else thinks of me, is a reflection on them, not of me. I do fully believe if someone doesn't make an effort to you, you sure as hell stop using your energy on them, because you should get out what you put in. However, in the early days of meeting someone, when you are just placing what you want from them, the lines are a little more blurred. Those lines also can blur more as you decide what you want from them, as a 25-year-old woman, I don't want a relationship with everyone one I fancy - however I think that's easily forgotten.  And again, when alcohol involved lines blur even more, and you don't text because you lack self-respect - you text because you wanna say something, and honesty is something I neither perceive as desperate or disrespectful of yourself.

 On a side note - I'm not sure the poem in the image completely relates, but I liked it nonetheless, it's from Milk and Honey by Rupi Kaur.