It's been a while since I wrote one of these very wordy, brutally honest, emotion heavy blog posts - well hold on to your hats, because I'm pretty sure I've stored up enough feelings to write a post longer than every Harry Potter book combined.

I guess, I've felt so snowed under, it's felt impossible to dig myself out, and I've been holding all my emotions in, because I'm not particularly vocal about these things - yes, I can write (it usually comes out in the form of sleepy crap poetry on my iPhone notes, and if that doesn't cut it, I end up here) or if I want to tell somebody, in particular, I will text my emotions out, however getting words explaining what's going on in my 'oh so complicated'  head to leave my mouth, isn't really a strong point of mine. Verbal communication, in general, I'm pretty crap at, ask me to talk in front of more than 4 people, I'm likely to feel faint, and I struggle to pronounce the world bowl (and anything that rhymes with it). I'm a crap talker. In turn, I'm a pretty adequate typer - and I may explode if I don't express some of the million thought swirling around in my head.

It's taken me longer than it should have to admit this, but I'm sad.  I wouldn't say I just feel sad. I feel completely consumed by sadness. It started as a general feeling, but now I feel utterly drowned in that emotion.

To put it bluntly, we all like to stew in our own sadness in a twisted way, don't we? I mean, we love to feel sorry for ourselves, and everyone plays the victim once in a while. As soon as I released this emotion a weight would be lifted - maybe I didn't want that, at least not yet, so I let that slight feeling of sadness take over entirely.

Besides a few sad tweets (the voices in my head argued whether people would care if they read them, - One of the voices said "for christ sake, Chloe don't be pathetic and attention-seeking and cheer up", well the other chipped in "why shouldn't I tweet that I feel sad, I feel sad I should tweet about it, you shouldn't be ashamed about the state of your mental health", and "it's just not really necessary to tweet about is it?" - you get it, right? I didn't know whether I was coming or going, and not only when it came to my twitter account).

Anyway, today was clearly my emotional breaking point - and funnily enough, I feel less broken for it. I found myself sobbing into my mum's shoulder, about my complete loss of what to do, and how to combat how I'm feeling. There is something so pathetically liberating about crying to your Mummy as an adult. You feel a million times better once you've done it, but it takes a lot of feelings to get there (shout out to mum for dealing with my tears).

There is this guilt which comes with sadness, which ironically makes you feel sadder - which is maybe why it took me so long to talk about it.

I think I'm depressed.
I'm not sure. But I'm mainly sad, and I can't seem to pull myself out of this whirlwind of sadness. My sadness feels heavier than I've had a bad day so I'm a little blue. It's a deep grey which feels like it will continue to taint each day for the rest of my life. Logically, I know feelings are temporary, but it doesn't feel that way. My feelings are arguing with logic, which just causes more stress.

I've not been diagnosed, mainly because I'm too stubborn to go to the doctors, which I know is all kinds of wrong. I will, if it continues, at some point. But it's another pressure that comes with that appointment. What if I'm wasting the doctors time and I've just been a little hormonal, and what if I am really depressed? The reality, either way, sucks.

I know it's circumstantial. It's all stemmed from being stuck in a rut with my career (well, not having one), and feeling lonely (and then feeling pathetic that I'm feeling lonely,  and yes, I'm literally cringing as I type this). My life feels as though it's just paused in the crap place, where I never experienced success, and I'm beginning to get the dreaded "what is wrong with me" feeling. I hate comparison but it's human nature, and when you realise how often you're ghosted by friends, and that I haven't been kissed in, uh far longer than I'd to admit. Over a year I believe. Yup. My career is not where I expected it to be, heck,  I'm 25, live with my mum and can't drive, and have very few (but all very lovely )mates - and the cherry on the cake - nobody fancies me (like that matters! But it clearly does because it's adding to sadness). That's all pretty small problems, but they're all leaving me questioning what is wrong with me. And we all know low self-esteem does nothing for our mental health. And the most frustrating part is, I really don't dislike myself at all. I know it's getting a tad confusing now, but let me explain, I think I am talented and hard-working, and I should have a great career because I will put my all into it, I also think I'm a good friend, I'm far from perfect, but I like to think I make an effort with my friends, and I'm a good listener.  I am caring and love my friends a lot - also I'm a great catch, I mean I'm really not funny, but I'm alright and there are things people should like about me - but nobody else can see my value. It's as though I'm screaming at people why can't you see me for who I am, and they're not listening, and now I've got a sore throat from all the screaming.

My life is not what I expected. When it comes to bigger life-altering events, I seem to have no issue dealing with them. I cope pretty well when things are serious. But, at the moment, well they're not really. I just feel a bit shit because I want a better job and to feel validated. I don't deal so well with these problems - I think because of the things could be so much worse guilt. But either way, I'm sad - so does it matter is it's based on trauma or a temper tantrum? Because I still feel what I'm feeling.

Now I've been stewing in the sadness for a while, the question is, what am I going to do? I can't stay in this place much longer because to put it far more bluntly than anyone really wants to hear, I don't know how much more time I'll allow myself to live in this place - so one way or another I've got to move out of it. Ignoring the darkest option out there - the only way is up.

Now, I understand depression is far more than a rut which you are stuck in. However, I have also noted that my feelings are circumstantial. So I've got to change my circumstances.

So, I'm going to work change things, to remind myself this is temporary, and of course, I'll keep you updated on the state of my mental health, which might at least stop it spiralling all over again.