Do you love the series as much as I do? Who your favourite character? I think Paris's character is amazing, and I'm a little bit in love with Jess (and clearly obsessed with him!)

 _____

3.8.16

A few more months

Two years on

A few more weeks

Just for now. Temporary.

If it's a compliment,

What's this feeling of helpless resent?

Incompatable, Uncomfortable, Incomplete.

Losing my sense of me, 

I'm living a strangers reality.

8 till 6, 

a lack of passion.

heart is panicking through creative ration.

I have no choice,

Never anything more

Stealing my chance to explore, other option -

career forgotten

Little pay, less purpose, 

But yes I'll stay

Each forgotten day

Life unsatisfactory,

Over and over repeating

Nothing filling,

Not worth my time,

but they think I'm no better,

than working for pence

at my life's expense.

_____

3.8.16

5 years wasted

A realisation, a burning

pain,

A need to move

forward

A worth to 

gain

You will not understand, how

contrasting, complex, minds compare.

Yet the vibration which travels from your 

lips, more than unfair.

As we chitter chatter over salad, 

Don't fucking tell me 

my feelings are invalid.

_____

7.8.16

Why is it when I confess, I do

not care the gender or the 

genitals of lips I kiss, the body

I undress, the heart I caress.

There's an assumption, it is my invitation,

to make use of your sick, filthy

imagination.

If I were after a threesome,

It wouldn't be with you I'd have my fun.

So you and your muddy mind

Can do one.

_____

14.8.16

Why does my self-worth 

weigh on,

if you find the energy 

in your busy fingers, and the time

out of your empty day

to text me

back?

I don't want to be the girl like that. 

I tell myself,

 as I stare into the soul of my smashed 

iPhone

with the realisation 

I am

all

alone.

____

16.8.16

Each and every single time I hear

a peep from your mouth

or catch your eye

    I feel the need to spill 

Every deep dark thing

my heart has to offer

In hope, you'll take pleasure 

in helping me 

clear up the

mess.

____

This Modern Love by Will Darbyshire, is brilliant. The idea behind the book is that it's made up of love letters written by people of all ages, all around the world. The letter has stemmed from questions about love and modern day relationships which Will put forward to make people think, and give them something to write about.

The idea behind the book is simple, which is what I think is great about it.

Every person that walks this earth has emotions and feelings and at some point, we have all felt various forms of love, lust, and heartbreak. No matter who you are, there will be at least one letter in the book you can completely relate to. I found, I could pretty much link every single letter to an experience I have had through my 24 years. It's quite comforting to think, a complete stranger can write a letter about love which you can completely understand, although they may have a completely different relationship on their mind as they write the letter, there are still things I can pull from each letter which fit how I at some point in my life have felt.  Especially as when we have felt love and struggled through heartbreak, our emotions often feel so intense, it's difficult to believe anybody in the world has the faintest idea what is going on with your head and in heart. I have found a lot of comfort in this book, it's a reminder that I'm not alone, everyone feels just as much as I do.

The book is set into three sections, meeting people, being with someone and broken hearts - the beginning, the middle and the end of love, so there's logic in where each letter is placed. The book is also set out beautifully inside, it contains some images, not too many, just enough, well-chosen images in the right place, alongside some quotes.

Whilst rummaging through my skincare  I noticed three of my staple products are from the same brand; Pixi by Petra. I thought I'd write a little post on the three to give the brand a bit of a high five, and to let you know some skincare that I think is well worth your money.

Glow Tonic: Possibly the most talked about of the three. Pixi Glow Tonic is an exfoliating toner, which I find leaves my skin looking alive and healthy. I'm on my second bottle of this now and I will keep repurchasing as this is the only skincare product I've found to give my skin such a natural glow.

Hydrating Milky Mist: As you can see the label has completely rubbed off this one of mine, that is because I carry it in my handbag pretty much as all times. I really love this product. It's literally what it says on the bottle, a hydrating milky mist. I like to spray this on my face through the day to give my skin a surge of moiusture. It's very refreshing to use, and can also be used over make up.

Overnight Glow Serum: The gloopy night serum leaves my complexion feeling brighter and my skin looking healthy in a similar way that the glow tonic does. When I wake up after using this I find my skin looks slightly more alive. Also how cute this the bottle?!

As I'm not scientist, or skincare expert, I've probably done a pretty poor job of explaining what each of these products do, or how they work, so I'll leave it at this. I love what all three of the products to do my skin, and I can definitely see a difference in a appearance and texture of my skin when I use then - I'd strongly recommend trying them out if you haven't. 

Have you tried any Pixi by Petra products? I'd love to hear what you think of the brand.

I'm slowly but surely making my way through the books in the Zoella Book Club, so far I'm been pretty impressed with the few I've read. Last night I finished We Were Liars by E. Lockhart and I have not been able to stop thinking about it since so, of course, I had to blog about it.

It's quite a short book with just 255 pages however, it's quite a jam packed and fast moving, so a lot happens on those pages.

The story is written in the perspective of Cadence Sinclair who spends her Summers at her Grandfather's Private Island along with  Aunties, Cousins, and friends. This includes Gat, an Indian boy whom she falls in love with in the most beautiful way (you find out this pretty early on, so don't panic I'm not giving the story away). 

Something happens Summer 15, an accident, however as the story is written in Cadence perspective, we know as much as she does about that Summer, which is not a lot.  Cady suffers from amnesia and migraines due to a traumatic event which took place Summer 15, all that she remembers (and we know) is that there was an accident, she was in the sea in her underwear, unsure of where Gat and her friends were. Throughout the book, Cady pieces together her memory to find out what happened that Summer, and I've got to say it is so far from what I expected, there is a huge, heartbreaking twist at the end of the book. 

I partly fell in love with the book because of E. Lockhart's careful and alluring style of writing. Despite the book being somewhat fast moving each word seemed carefully and thoughtfully chosen. I found myself writing down quotes because the words seemed to lightly hold so much weight. There were moments between Cadence and Gat where I felt as though I felt every emotion alongside the characters. Every detail with Cady and Gat seemed so delicate and important. All of the other characters were very well developed, and the reader really gets an eye for what life is like on the Island for the Sinclair's. It's just very well written. 

I'd strongly recommend picking up this book, and make sure you stick with it until the very end, it's the ending that stuck with me. 

After 5 years of working in a job which I enjoyed but didn't see a future in, and being in a place I didn't feel like quite fitted where I want to be, or who I want to be, I worked my last day there. Of course, I was quite overwhelmed by a lot of emotions. I felt sad to be saying goodbye, yet relieved and excited for a new chapter, and mostly anxious because I don't know what that new chapter is.  Being the 'a little to chilled out when I shouldn't be' person that I am, although I've known for a while my last day of work was fast approaching, and I'  still yet to figure out what I'm doing next. I know I am not going to settle, but for now, I think there is going to be a lot of job applications and uncertainty. 

Nonetheless, the new start was needed. Being 24, it's time I figure things out some more careerwise, and personally too. I feel this new start is my chance to be the person I hope to be (at some point in the future, I've got a while to go, sat in my pj's, unemployed and snacking on chocolate, I'm not quite at the stage yet!)

When figuring out why I'm doing this when I have a job I'm perfectly comfortable with and an okay life, this quote came to mind:

“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late to be whoever you want to be. I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you find you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start over again.” 

So, I guess this is me starting again, in the attempt to live a life I'm proud of.

So it's time to be proactive. As the old saying goes, Rome wasn't built in a day, so I've got a lot of changes to make, endless hours of job applications, and I expect many unsuccessful interviews.

Outside of work, there are changes to come to. I'm going to start with a clearout, a clear space and a clear mind and all that jazz.

I'm also going to finally try to get a grip on the regular blog post and video uploading. 

During September there will be a new post on my blog each day at 4pm, besides Sunday where I will be uploading weekly to my Youtube channel which will go live at 7pm.

Once I have consumed all of the endless amounts of chocolate I have recently been gifted, I'm going to try to be more aware of what I am eating. Not dieting, just making healthier choices to feel better.

I'm also going to start running regularly, and when I do find my new job, join a gym, in hope that one day I'll feel strong and fit.

Of course, it's important I keep my creative juices flowing, so I am going to try to paint, and draw again, a forgotten love of mine. I also want to keep up writing poetry, maybe I'll share some of my poorly written words I've put together for my own form of therapy. I want to photograph more. I want to get into film photography and learn more about cameras.

When a job does come by, I plan to take acting classes, despite a pretty intense fear of public speaking, I'm had an undying curiosity for acting since I was a young child. I also want to take up life drawing classes. We did life drawing classes as part of our uni course every week, and it's definitely something I miss.

I want to get out of the house more. So often I find myself locked up in my tiny bedroom, and it's not always good for my mental state, so whether I go out for a walk, take my blogging to a cafe or my reading to the park, I think it would be good to spend less time sat on this uncomfortable bed, alone in a stuffy bedroom.

I have a more open mind to moving, so maybe that will be on the cards in the future. But alongside finding a job that fits, there are so much little, and big changes I'm going to make for my new start. 

With all of this in mind, and a blurry picture of where I want to be, I feel ready to start again in order live a life I'm proud of, and become someone I am proud of.

I don't know what's to come, but I feel I'm taking steps in the right direction, and I'm excited.