Monday, 12 March 2018

Falling in Love with Solitude.



The majority of my life I have been single. With just one serious relationship under my belt, which edged on just under three years of my existence.

I've spent a lot more time out of a relationship than in one, and it seems I've been through every possible phase of being single. I've felt unlovable and inadequate, left out and sick of third wheeling. I have been in unrequited love. I've found myself fancying every almost every new person which caught my eye, and I've tried to force chemistry when I was uninterest. I have desired something casual and prayed to the gods of fate that I'd fall in love at first sight. And then there's where I am at today, which feels like something more alien than all of the hurt and desperation. I am content with my independence.

I used to think, having a relationship would complete me. I felt envious of friends who had boyfriends to go home to, and a sharp ping of loneliness offered a regular reminder, I was 'unloved'.

To fall madly in love, get married and have a family was always something I thought was supposed to happen, it was predetermined. By the 26  I expected to be further ahead with this great plan, but more than that, assumed that would be a priority of mine. It is not, it almost feels irrelevant.

If I fall into a deep love which is return, that would be wonderful, yet if I don't my life will still be wonderful just in a different way. Not falling in love, or having a relationship won't take away from the person I am, and the things I will do.

I got asked on a date recently, by somebody I like, but it wasn't until I typed out my reply, I realised, I really am not looking for anything serious right now. For once in my life, I am finding living as I am, more important than searching for love.

There's this idea, that when we get to a certain age, around the ages I am at now, it's the time to settle down with a partner. If we're not in that place we are often painted in a light of sadness and considered lacking. We desperately swipe until our finger can manage no more because heck time is running out, right? But if I am happy now as things are, why do I need to add a relationship to the mix? Love is wonderful but chasing the idea of it, isn't so much. There also something completely freeing about not having to spend time mindless scrolling passed singles on tinder and endure the cringe-worthy messages.

There's something freeing in thinking, right now, I'm my only priority. I like that I only have to really worry about myself. My problems and my joys are mine alone. I am at a point in my life, where my main concern is my career or lack of. I've got a life to build, and I'd quite like to know I did it by myself.

It's nice to be selfish. I would like children one day (whole other topic that), and with that in mind, this is the only time I have to be selfish. I like that if I decide to move cities, I haven't got a whole other life to consider, and I can read before bed until whatever time I please (let's be honest, it will be no later than 10pm but it's nice to have options). I like the space my thoughts have, and I actually enjoy spending time by myself.  All of my stuff is my stuff, I don't have to make room for anyone else, or share the moisturiser I splashed out on.

When I was in a relationship, I got too comfortable leaning on somebody else. It's good to just stand up myself. It's good to feel worthy as an individual, and not to be thought of as one of two. Half the package.

Of course, I get lonely, everybody does. Sometimes, I think it would be nice to have someone, but that's a wave which leaves as quick as it arrives. I've been close to people in search of a cure for loneliness before, and that is not a tone I want to set for my relationship with anyone, including myself. I'd rather ride the waves of lonely if that means a few tears and self-doubt, than have someone replaceable to fill a hole.

Now, I know some relationships are wonderful, but for me, right now, there's joy in concentrating on me, and me alone.

I like that I'm the most important person in my life right now. Follow
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