Monday, 26 March 2018

The Over-Sharing Between my Silence.


If you've followed me for a while, you might have noticed some changes on here, Instagram, and in what I choose to share online. I now pride myself on sharing the personal, even the words which often don't make the journey from my brain to the tip of my tongue around those that I am closest to.

I've braved posting snippets of my poetry on my Instagram, and on this blog, I  often discuss my most intimate thoughts which otherwise might be hidden in the depth of my head.

Somewhere along the lines, I found myself choosing to give more, in order to feel like the most authentic version of myself. 



Yet still, sometimes, I wonder if I give too much of myself, online, and even in IRL. I wonder if I scare people off revealing by the inner working of my mind too soon. Do I make others feel uncomfortable with the thoughts that they don't need to hear? When I feel intense emotions, I struggle to keep them caged, sometimes they come out in poorly articulated fragments of word vomit that others struggle to get on board with.

I'm either quiet, or I'm up close and personal. There's no in-between with my communication.

I hate small talk, I'd rather tell you my deepest darkest secret than, discuss the recent snowfall. Why? Because although there's nothing to lose from silence filling weather chat and updates which neither party has no interest in, there's really nothing to gain either. It feels pointless and forced. I find the silences which others find uncomfortable much more inviting than a conversation I'm not invested in. 

I don't want to engage in small talk, I want my conversation to be sizable. I think there's beauty in showing vulnerability which you won't see if the conversation doesn't go beyond the expected"good thanks, you?".

The same goes for writing, I think the only way my reader will gain something, is if I'm willing to give something.

I'm one of those rare breeds of human that is comfortable with silence.  I often don't try to fill a silence because it slips my mind that it might be making the other person feel awkward, which sometimes leads to me looking incredibly rude (soz about that).

I'm all or nothing.

Do I say too much? Or not enough? Do I give too much to those undeserving?  Do I give too much to people that are leaving, to strangers on the internet and to those who simply do not care? There's something in giving the purest version of myself that I can find, which feels right for me.


I think I've scared away pretty much every person I've been romantically interested in because I can be a bit much. If people don't want that from me, it does not mean I am too much. Or not enough. It means they simply didn't want what I choose to give and that's okay. It's no reason for me to desire to shrink. To speak less or more.

I need to give to fully feel and I believe feelings are there to be felt, so I give.

Sometimes I give via words on a screen which contrast to my often quiet persona. Sometimes I give by letting a barrier down, by choosing to be fearless when I let someone new into my world.

When I invest in someone I fully invest. I want to tell them my 2am thoughts and sit in their silence drinking in their mannerisms.  I want to tell them every detail of my existence and the weight of each emotion I feel.


I want this all to feel authentic. From the relationships, I have, to the articles I write. Leaving pieces of my soul disguised in an entanglement of words and silences.

All of my favourite writers are the ones who share the personal, who make me feel less alone, who minds, and histories I have a closer insight into.  So expect me to continue over-sharing between silences. And on the note, I might start writing some diary entry posts soon.


I share the intricate details because it's real and anything less than real who be a mediocre version of me.



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Photography: Madeleiine Grace




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Monday, 19 March 2018

On Accepting Temporary.



The security of our choices is something which fluctuates, some things we decide create a blanket of safety, other demands us to fight our way through the unknown. There have been decisions which I have made with left me feeling stable, wrapped comfort in what seemed permanent. Whether that being the security I felt a year into my only real relationship, or starting a new job that felt like 'the one'.  To my surprise, these things didn't last, although at the time they felt like forever things.

There are times in our life, where it is expected to feel more secure, more stable with where we are at. In our late 20, society seems to anticipate us walking up a career ladder, buying a home and planning our future families with the one we love. In contrast to our early 20's, it's expected we're at the uni stage, where it's no surprise if we're sleeping around and wasting money on a degree we have no intention of using. There's also the classic midlife crisis when we get sick of the stability.

At 26 years old, I firmly thought I'd have things figured out by now, however, I really don't.

I'm not going to go on too much about how my life is not what I expected it to be, there's only so many times I can bang on about that before it gets boring, and predictable (I'm sure you can find plenty of posts if you look through my archive).

But I do want to talk about how temporary everything feels.


I am not settled in the slightest. After having a lot of career based cries, I'm coming to accept that I might just have to have a few more bridge jobs. I can't become an author before I write a book, and my blog is not making money, and until it does, it cannot pay the bills. Ultimately, I want to write and I want to blog. Anything, before I get to my goal, is temporary.

It's very easy to let that grey cloud consume me. To feel left behind, lost and worthless, even envious as I watch my friends smashing it with their careers. But sometimes, it takes a journey to get where you need to go. No one gets to skip the work, so it's time I stop hoping that I'll wake one day, and my blog will be raking in the cash. I mean, I will wake up many days that it does, but what I'm saying is, it won't happen overnight (4 years down the line, you'd think I'd have grasped that by now), I need to stop feeling sad that I am not an overnight success.

So it's time to suck it up and do the bridge jobs.  If I work in retail for a bit will not take away from the big plans, and who knows maybe I'll meet some really great people, and learn a few valuable lessons.

Accepting that they are temporary, is what will make them bareable.


****

I met a guy recently I met a guy 8 years ago and recently he popped back up in my life. We drank coffee and caught up, and I struggled to concentrate on what he was saying to because all I could think about is how I want to kiss him, and how did I never notice how attractive he is?  We're in the same place and the same time, and for once the timing is not off. But it is running out. He's moving away.



I cannot get attached, and our situation is screaming casual at me.


I've been asked me what the point is. Surely, there's no point, if he's leaving, it can't be anything real. But I see the point. Why does it hold less value if it's temporary? No, he's never going be my boyfriend, but I kind of like him, and want to invest the small amount of time I able to, into spending it with him

Of course, I am more than aware, there is nothing romantic in expiry dates, and building something on with the rule 'do not fall in love'.


 Sometimes, it's really as simple as, I just want to have a nice time for a bit.

Why should I not spend time with someone that I want to spend time because it's temporary and uncategorised?

I am not looking to fall in love, I wrote about my contentment with being single in last weeks post here, with that in mind, why can't I just enjoy something for what it is? Even Especially if it is not for long.

He will leave, but the world will not end. Isn't something small, and part-time better than nothing at all?


Sometimes bad and good walk hand in hand. If you want the good, the bad may come too.
It's nice to have a taster of both worlds. As long as I step carefully something temporary will fit for now. I just can't wrap myself up in it and bathe.

Temporary happens, whether planned or not. Sometimes temporary is a necessary stepping stone, and some things aren't meant forever. Sometimes the briefest moment is ones worth having.


What's wrong with thinking of right now, rather than a future which is forever changing? 







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Something's clicked for me, since I've realised that temporary, is not that bad, it's freeing to embrace a forever changing world.




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Monday, 12 March 2018

Falling in Love with Solitude.



The majority of my life I have been single. With just one serious relationship under my belt, which edged on just under three years of my existence.

I've spent a lot more time out of a relationship than in one, and it seems I've been through every possible phase of being single. I've felt unlovable and inadequate, left out and sick of third wheeling. I have been in unrequited love. I've found myself fancying every almost every new person which caught my eye, and I've tried to force chemistry when I was uninterest. I have desired something casual and prayed to the gods of fate that I'd fall in love at first sight. And then there's where I am at today, which feels like something more alien than all of the hurt and desperation. I am content with my independence.

I used to think, having a relationship would complete me. I felt envious of friends who had boyfriends to go home to, and a sharp ping of loneliness offered a regular reminder, I was 'unloved'.

To fall madly in love, get married and have a family was always something I thought was supposed to happen, it was predetermined. By the 26  I expected to be further ahead with this great plan, but more than that, assumed that would be a priority of mine. It is not, it almost feels irrelevant.

If I fall into a deep love which is return, that would be wonderful, yet if I don't my life will still be wonderful just in a different way. Not falling in love, or having a relationship won't take away from the person I am, and the things I will do.

I got asked on a date recently, by somebody I like, but it wasn't until I typed out my reply, I realised, I really am not looking for anything serious right now. For once in my life, I am finding living as I am, more important than searching for love.

There's this idea, that when we get to a certain age, around the ages I am at now, it's the time to settle down with a partner. If we're not in that place we are often painted in a light of sadness and considered lacking. We desperately swipe until our finger can manage no more because heck time is running out, right? But if I am happy now as things are, why do I need to add a relationship to the mix? Love is wonderful but chasing the idea of it, isn't so much. There also something completely freeing about not having to spend time mindless scrolling passed singles on tinder and endure the cringe-worthy messages.

There's something freeing in thinking, right now, I'm my only priority. I like that I only have to really worry about myself. My problems and my joys are mine alone. I am at a point in my life, where my main concern is my career or lack of. I've got a life to build, and I'd quite like to know I did it by myself.

It's nice to be selfish. I would like children one day (whole other topic that), and with that in mind, this is the only time I have to be selfish. I like that if I decide to move cities, I haven't got a whole other life to consider, and I can read before bed until whatever time I please (let's be honest, it will be no later than 10pm but it's nice to have options). I like the space my thoughts have, and I actually enjoy spending time by myself.  All of my stuff is my stuff, I don't have to make room for anyone else, or share the moisturiser I splashed out on.

When I was in a relationship, I got too comfortable leaning on somebody else. It's good to just stand up myself. It's good to feel worthy as an individual, and not to be thought of as one of two. Half the package.

Of course, I get lonely, everybody does. Sometimes, I think it would be nice to have someone, but that's a wave which leaves as quick as it arrives. I've been close to people in search of a cure for loneliness before, and that is not a tone I want to set for my relationship with anyone, including myself. I'd rather ride the waves of lonely if that means a few tears and self-doubt, than have someone replaceable to fill a hole.

Now, I know some relationships are wonderful, but for me, right now, there's joy in concentrating on me, and me alone.

I like that I'm the most important person in my life right now. Follow
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Monday, 5 March 2018

Yes, I like myself.




I gave my mind the freedom to wander, and it led the way to a place of self-appreciation.  Absentmindedly I found myself thinking that I am, in fact, pretty great. It hit me that I really love myself. For a split-second, I felt paralysed with joy, and then almost immediately I scolded myself for this movement in my mind. I let it spiral into a stream of negativity. I couldn't help but think, when did I become so big headed, so self-obsessed?


Ironically. I continued to dislike myself, for liking myself. I was punishing myself, for carelessly feeling appreciative of me, when I realised I'd entered a gloomy paradox, a world of self-loathing because I felt ashamed to admit that actually, I'm alright.

Something I've been trying to remember is:

What others think of me, is none of my business. 

And although sometimes I feel like doing the ugliest crying when a boy doesn't fancy me back,  and there is an everlasting potent fear at the back of my mind that I am the friend who nobody really likes. These are things which still existed within my realm of self-love, they are things which I had found reached a point of acceptance with.

The only reason my self-love caused self-loathing, is the paranoia in my mind that echoed the mocking faceless voices of others chanting 'Chloe love herself" 'Get over yourself".  Narcissistic, I know.

Does it really matter what the people which my mind has materialised think of me, even if there is an overlap between them and the ones who make footprints in my world beyond my head? What others think of me, is none of my business, after all.


I am not saying I am perfect, I am not saying I haven't made mistakes. But I like who I am. I am not defined by my mistakes, yet they have helped shape the woman I've become.

Every moment of my life, I spend with myself, I have to endure every thought that crosses my mind, and live with the consequences of my every action, with that in mind, I'd rather not add to the stress of ~living~ by deciding  I'm not good enough.

What defines not good enough?
I get to decide, and I'd say, I am more than enough.

I should not feel guilty for the ping of joy I feel when a thought crosses my mind that I know is mine alone, and I love that I can look in the mirror and not be filled with disgust or disregard for the person I am growing into. I feel a sense of pride in the body I walk in and the values I hold.

My happiness should not be tarnished because society offers out reminders, that perfect does not exist, although some do a great job of mirroring it what it seems like across Instagram feeds. We live beyond the squares of Instagram, and you can decide beyond the curation of perfect images is a joyful place to be.

It's freeing to wake up in the morning and to be happy with you.





Outfit Details
Trousers: M&S

Photography: Madeleine Grace


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