flatlay from coffee shop of the gentlewoman magazine, latte art, plant, and piece of cake

My friend Kelsey and I sat in a coffee shop surrounded by a wall of fake plants and aesthetically pleasing magazines carefully placed on the table beside our oat milk lattes. We sipped away the impressive latte art and endlessly laughed, as Kelsey used a napkin to write a list of all the... wanky things I said.

The list included sentence such as:

  •  "I've just come from Hypnotherapy" 
  • "the thing is I'm just trying to live my best life with the good vibes" 
  • "that's an attractive magazine" 
... you get it, I'm a bit of a knob. A cliché millennial, the kind which is obsessed with mindful living and motivational quotes, so much so, sometimes I find myself cringing at the words that leave my mouth, and stopping myself hitting publish on blog posts because they are too much.

I like words and I've always been a fan of a good quote, usually the cheesier, the better. However, this is something I've often felt embarrassed by. Very few people can pull off cool girl vibes while writing poetry about the boys they fancy, and banging on about the law of attraction.

But I've realised it doesn't matter if I'm cool.
This is both obvious, and life-changing. It's somehow, it's taken me nearly 28 years to figure this out. 

It's important to me, that I'm authentic, true to myself. But something you don't get told about being your truest self is, that it takes balls. Especially if you've spent your life watering-down who you are, and diluting what you like through fear of judgement.

I used to get embarrassed when people found my old Tumblr account because I'd reblog poetry, quote and beautiful words, which make it clear, I have... feelings. Because people mainly don't talk about there feelings, or when they do, we're not living them so we don't understand the intensity of the thoughts which cross another person's mind. Sharing words which are crafted to make a person feel opens up some vulnerability. It also can feel like a way of inviting others to simply take the piss.

Now having said this, I've seen a lot of people create similar content to that which I used to reblog on Tumblr, and content similar to what I want to create, based around intentional living, or share emotional poetry as still come across cool af.

But they are not me, and I am not them.

I'm not effortlessly cool, instead, I'm a little cringe. So rather than deny it, it's time to lean into it.

I tried to post Instagram stories apologising for my cringy-ness, yet Instagram was not on my side, instead of posting I received a notification to say it has not worked, as if the universe simply was not allowing me to say sorry for being me. It felt like a sign.

I realised, coming off of my recent post about where my blog is going if I am going to take it where I want to take it, I need fully be me, I need to lean into my 'cringy-ness' because that's what feels authentic to me.

The same day that Kelsey and I wrote the list, I pulled out my portable phone charger. It's millennial pink and says good vibes on it (similar here), Kelsey laughed and said to me "you're such a wanker and I love it"

I think it's time I started to love it too.