Monday, 17 September 2018

Imperfect Imagery.







 

I woke up this morning and I felt powerful. I felt positive and motivated. I practically jumped out of bed and decided I need to write a blog post about taking up space because that was exactly what I intended on doing.



I decided to do the photography first. To take on the role of model, stylist and photographer, and get the perfect shots. I used my favourite bright pink eyeshadow, I curled my hair with my chopstick curler. I put on a black jumpsuit which made me feel like a girl boss. I wanted to take up space in the images, with my bright makeup, biggest hair and my most powerful outfit that's exactly what I was going to do.

I ignored the fact, I was dressed for a different season, and the wet grass was making my sliders, well slidey. I didn't matter that I was home alone, I could shoot the photos myself and make them look good in my backgarden.



Using a tripod, self-timer and phone remote at the back of your house certainly isn't the more glamour way to shoot photographs, but it was a way which was accessible to me, and I was excited to see what blogger esc images I could take. The visions in my head we're living up to the standards of famous fashion blogger who clearly have photographers they pay for and to die for locations as backdrops.  Rather than being somewhere tropical with someone snap some pictures of me living my best life, I was cold and hyperaware of how awkward I feel in front of a camera. I took pictures, but my camera wasn't playing games. Autofocus took to my mum's plants rather than me, and I found myself tugging on my jumpsuit a lot. After a while of freezing, putting on my best fake smile and placing my hands on my hips, I went to look at the results.

I was disappointed, to say the least. I spent my time taking these photos and I couldn't use any of them. I was out of focus. You could clearly see I've got a belly. I had too much cleevage out.  My hair was too big, I should have let the curls drop. My face looks... weird. I picked out endless flaws in the images. I felt defeated. I was going to scrap the post. I felt gutted I wasted a couple of hours.

And then something came over me. I wanted to write a blog post about taking space, and maybe it's more important I choose to take up this space, even if I do some imperfectly  It's the showing up that counts after all. We're all learning. These weren't the best photos, and I am the most awkward model, but still, I'm putting myself out there, and working to improve.


 Recently I've felt down about my writing, not necessarily the actual words but more that I don't recognise my spelling mistakes and grammar errors. Often I post poetry on Instagram, which is a vulnerable thing to do,  and I feel humiliated when I realise, I can't even get the spellings of the most simple words right, despite the hours I put into proofreading and redrafting. 

However, just because my words aren't always perfect and polished, it doesn't discredit their value. Trying is underrated. Putting time and energy into creating is important. Things don't always turn out how we planned, but that doesn't mean they don't matter, that doesn't mean our time is wasted.
With curated feeds, we often think negatively of imperfect imagery and try to live up to a staged perception of life, but that's not life reality, and sometimes we need to ditch the filters and remind the world of our most authentic self.










I guess the post is my way of saying, you don't have to be perfect take up space. to create, and feel good about yourself. And on looking back, I'm much happier with the images, they aren't perfect, but I'm choosing to share them here because not everything needs to be perfect. I'm entitled to take up space in whatever way I deem worthy.


I often feel inadequate, and I've still got a lot to learn, but that doesn't make me invaluable.






   

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