Monday, 26 March 2018

The Over-Sharing Between my Silence.


If you've followed me for a while, you might have noticed some changes on here, Instagram, and in what I choose to share online. I now pride myself on sharing the personal, even the words which often don't make the journey from my brain to the tip of my tongue around those that I am closest to.

I've braved posting snippets of my poetry on my Instagram, and on this blog, I  often discuss my most intimate thoughts which otherwise might be hidden in the depth of my head.

Somewhere along the lines, I found myself choosing to give more, in order to feel like the most authentic version of myself. 



Yet still, sometimes, I wonder if I give too much of myself, online, and even in IRL. I wonder if I scare people off revealing by the inner working of my mind too soon. Do I make others feel uncomfortable with the thoughts that they don't need to hear? When I feel intense emotions, I struggle to keep them caged, sometimes they come out in poorly articulated fragments of word vomit that others struggle to get on board with.

I'm either quiet, or I'm up close and personal. There's no in-between with my communication.

I hate small talk, I'd rather tell you my deepest darkest secret than, discuss the recent snowfall. Why? Because although there's nothing to lose from silence filling weather chat and updates which neither party has no interest in, there's really nothing to gain either. It feels pointless and forced. I find the silences which others find uncomfortable much more inviting than a conversation I'm not invested in. 

I don't want to engage in small talk, I want my conversation to be sizable. I think there's beauty in showing vulnerability which you won't see if the conversation doesn't go beyond the expected"good thanks, you?".

The same goes for writing, I think the only way my reader will gain something, is if I'm willing to give something.

I'm one of those rare breeds of human that is comfortable with silence.  I often don't try to fill a silence because it slips my mind that it might be making the other person feel awkward, which sometimes leads to me looking incredibly rude (soz about that).

I'm all or nothing.

Do I say too much? Or not enough? Do I give too much to those undeserving?  Do I give too much to people that are leaving, to strangers on the internet and to those who simply do not care? There's something in giving the purest version of myself that I can find, which feels right for me.


I think I've scared away pretty much every person I've been romantically interested in because I can be a bit much. If people don't want that from me, it does not mean I am too much. Or not enough. It means they simply didn't want what I choose to give and that's okay. It's no reason for me to desire to shrink. To speak less or more.

I need to give to fully feel and I believe feelings are there to be felt, so I give.

Sometimes I give via words on a screen which contrast to my often quiet persona. Sometimes I give by letting a barrier down, by choosing to be fearless when I let someone new into my world.

When I invest in someone I fully invest. I want to tell them my 2am thoughts and sit in their silence drinking in their mannerisms.  I want to tell them every detail of my existence and the weight of each emotion I feel.


I want this all to feel authentic. From the relationships, I have, to the articles I write. Leaving pieces of my soul disguised in an entanglement of words and silences.

All of my favourite writers are the ones who share the personal, who make me feel less alone, who minds, and histories I have a closer insight into.  So expect me to continue over-sharing between silences. And on the note, I might start writing some diary entry posts soon.


I share the intricate details because it's real and anything less than real who be a mediocre version of me.



Outfit Details







Photography: Madeleiine Grace




Share:
Blog Design Created by pipdig