Sunday, 28 January 2018

2016 thoughts on Loneliness.


I found this piece hidden amongst the draft which never got published, and thought I'd share it two years later with fresh eyes. Here are some thought I had on loneliness in 2016:

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I have been considering writing this for a while now, however as it's something I've felt quite vulnerable discussing on the internet. For a few week now this has haunted the pages of my diary - however I've decided to be brave and share online as I'm realising I find something quite comforting in giving people the option to read my thoughts, they don't feel so locked away then and neither do I.

I feel a cloud of embarrassment and shame as I admit this, but I feel quite lonely. I know this is an ordinary human emotion so it is not something I should feel so ashamed to state, which is partly why I want to write this blog post.

I am 24 for, and I am very single (I promise not to drone on about wanting a boyfriend throughout this blogpost), when I say very single - I mean more single than I have ever been in my teen through to my adult life. I have had one serious relationship whilst I was a student which lasted just shy of three years, and although I that as real as my love life has ever got, I always had romantic interests, and guys I've been talking to, and thinking about. But right now... I can honestly say there is no one at all I am romantically interested.

Now I know what you're thinking, loads of people are single, get over it Chloe, there is no need to be so desperate. However, as contradicting as this may sound, I am than happy being single - everything I have said so far is based on fact rather than emotion.

Of course, there is a but, otherwise why would I be banging on about this. But... pretty much everyone I spend a reasonable amount of time with is in a relationship - which means a lot of third wheeling, but why stop at third wheeling, oh no, I've been out as a 7th wheel recently. To put it simply, it's just uncomfortable. Sometimes I feel as though I'm out with my friends on a double date, but I've forgotten to bring my date. I know, it's not my friends fault and I am happy they're all happy and loved up, but it's hard to feel as though I belong amoungst all of the couples.

Sometimes we'll have a girl night, and of course boy chat comes up, as it always does... but where do I fit in this conversation, I am happy to listen to what my friends have to say, because I understand the importance of listening, but what can I contribute, really?

Being very introvert maybe I've bought on this feeling of loniless myself, as I have found rather than feeling awkward surrounded entirely by couple I've been staying home instead, which obviously does not help the situation, and I'm narrowing down any chance of meeting new people and spending time with others. However when I do see my friends, even if partners aren't invited, all I find myself getting asked is if I've met anyone or if I'm interested in anyone. Although how's your work, have you written anything interest on you blog rececently slips in, it doesn't always feel like that part of the conversation that valued - I guess we all love romance and gossip.

Of course, I know that's far from the truth and I will do bigger and better things than date someone cool.

When I had a boyfriend l though it was a very happy relationship throughout, still I lost a part of who I am and I feel like I've just began to know myself and that's not something I want to lose again. I like being independent. Yet I don't like feeling alone.

I find myself feeling alone beyond romance, I have distanced from some friendships and I am unsure of how to get them back. I'm at an age now where I realise friendship ultimately changes, develop and disappear and life goes on, however I feel like one of my closest friendship has literally disintergrated in front of my eyes, and the other person either isn't aware or isn't bothered.

Either way. I have a few very close important friends at the moment, and that is it. I know that is more than some people. But I still feel  sadness each night when I get home from work and sit in my own silence. I turn my phone on airplane mode for at least an hour every night, and when I switch it back on, I hardly have a single message.

I can hear your thoughts, mainly because I'm kicking myself thinking the same thing, why don't you make more effort with people? why don't you text people first? I do, with my few close friends, but anyone that not so close, not so much, simply because it's scary. And no, I'm not exactly been looking to find a partner. I don't want to meet someone knowing I found them out of loniless and not neccassiraly for all of the right reasons. I guess I'm leaving that up to fate. Just sometimes the silence is a little too loud in my head, and I feel like the support system is low.  There's no one I can tell everything too, someone to listen to and I miss that.

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Although some aspects from the post still ring true today, some, not so much. I may post an update thoughts on loniliness post, to see how things have changed. 


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